Thanks...I do believe that living well is the best revenge - my middle D texted me last night and said "I miss our family so much - I just don't know what can replace that." It breaks my heart because I know all 3 kids feel the same way.
I was re-reading "Hope for the Separated - Healing Wounded Marriages" by Gary Chapman. He says that marriages separate from one of three sources: 1. lack of an intimate relationship with God 2. lack of an intimate relationship with your mate 3. lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself
He says the first and last can be handled on your own - the second requires involvement of your spouse. MLC - in my book - throws all 3 of these things out the window. I don't even feel as if I'm dealing with anything normal.
I found a new site called "Midlife Maze" - it reaffirmed all that we already know - but it certainly is not very hopeful.
A marriage crisis at midlife can have numerous causes, here are five common signs that it’s a Midlife Marriage Crisis.
1.The Announcement
He may be quiet, moody or withdrawn for some time and then one day come out and tell you that he loves you, but is no longer in love with you. He may say he doesn’t want to hurt you. He may say tell you that it is him and not you, or may say he has felt this way for a long time or even that he NEVER really loved you. Whichever way he puts it, he is questioning what the marriage means to him and why he is in it.
He is absolutely right on one thing – it IS him and it is NOT you. In a Midlife Crisis a man knows instinctively that something is terribly wrong, he feels lost, he feels a hole inside himself. He does not know though, WHAT is wrong and so he starts looking around for what the cause might be. It really is nothing to do with you personally and you will fare better if you can remember that.
He knows that life the way it is isn’t working for him, so he starts to believe that he must change things in order to be happy. He doesn’t see that its not the outer circumstances that need to change, but inner work that needs to be done. So if he’s looking for circumstances he might change and searching for an outer cause to his unhappiness, then there is a simple equation he sees:
If Life + Wife = Unhappy Then perhaps Life – Wife = Happy
It’s not the sturdiest logic in the world, but we are talking about a man who is so desperate to ease his pain that he will take whatever he can come up with!
2.Avoiding or Refusing Responsibilities
He may begin to resent his responsibilities or he may simply want to escape from them. He may begin to avoid the responsibilities that go with being a husband, a father, a businessman or employee. He may decide he wants to escape the life he has created altogether, or he may throw financial responsibility out of the window as he finds it too restrictive.
Men In a Midlife Crisis are reacting against the life they have created. They find themselves lost and hurting and so they look at all the aspects of their lives that might be causing this pain. Married men do carry a lot of responsibility and it is conditioned and ingrained into them that this is what they must do.
Part of a Midlife Crisis is the realization of his own mortality, he has a finite amount of time left and he is no longer sure he wants to spend it shouldering responsibilities he's not sure he even values. Many feel that they have done all that is expected of them and yet still they find themselves so miserable. So why continue to shoulder the responsibilities when time is running out anyway?
If he understood this at a conscious level and could express it, you might be better able to at least understand, unfortunately however all the wife usually sees is a man who just doesn’t care anymore. If he feels he can’t or doesn’t want to live up to the responsibilities of the life you have created between you, then you will be heading into a Midlife Marriage Crisis.
3.Blaming you
Blame can be a huge factor in a Midlife Marriage Crisis.
A man in Midlife Crisis really doesn’t know what is causing his pain and dissatisfaction. He is in Crisis rather than ‘Transition’ because he is unwilling or unable to do the inner work and introspection required to evaluate his life so far and make adjustments in order to move forward into the second half of his life.
Since he won’t look inwards to find the cause, he has to look outwards and the first thing he sees is….. YOU! Therefore, the thinking can go, this is all your fault.
Once he has grasped this as a possible explanation for why he feels so bad, he may almost feel relieved that he has identified the cause. He may then begin to amass ‘evidence’ in order to support his theory. You may hear phrase such as
“ You always……” or “You never…..”
as he generalizes your behavior in order to justify to himself that you are in fact to blame. If he is starting to blame you for all that is going wrong, then you need to remember two things:
a.You are probably headed for a very bumpy Midlife Marriage Crisis b.Most importantly, you are NOT to blame
Listen to him and accept that, for now, he may believe that what he is saying is true, BUT you shouldn’t believe that it is. Please don’t take ownership of his Crisis, it’s not your fault. You need to take care of yourself , not join with him in blaming yourself.
4.Rewriting History
This ties in with blaming you and your marriage for his unhappiness. He is subconsciously gathering evidence to support his theory that all his pain is due to the fact that he chose to be married to you. Although he wants to be ‘right’ in having identified the source of his problems, he does not want to consider that he was wrong in his previous decisions (i.e. the decision to marry you). And so he changes the reasons that he made those decisions.
He may have told you every day for the last 15, 20 or more years, that he loved you and now he says that he never really loved you. This is simply what he is choosing to believe right now. He doesn’t realize that he has any self work to do, instead he is choosing to believe that he made a poor decision in marrying you. However, he doesn’t even want to take the responsibility for having made a bad decision. So instead he claims he just didn’t love you, but had some noble reason to marry you anyway, or somehow you tricked him into it, or societal or family pressure ‘made’ him do it.
When he starts rewriting history it can come as a huge shock to you and you may begin to question yourself and whether you just never understood reality. He may believe what he is saying, but you don’t have to. See it for what it is and don’t torture yourself by accepting his new version of events when it contradicts many years of shared experience.
5.He becomes Secretive
The fifth sign that your Midlife Crisis Man is dashing headlong towards a Midlife Marriage Crisis is when he becomes secretive with you. When he becomes secretive it is because he has painted you in his mind as the enemy. He feels he has to hide things from you because you will not understand. At this point he could well be right!
Secrecy between marriage partners does not make for a healthy marriage. However, if he is already questioning the validity of your marriage and has made himself his own number one priority, then he no longer feels the need or desire to input to the health of the marriage.
He may simply be closing you out because he knows that you will try to talk ‘your’ kind of reason and logic to him and he knows that won’t sit well with his current beliefs.
Unfortunately it is also quite likely that the secrecy may be hiding an affair. When any husband feels that his wife doesn’t understand him, he is more prone to having an affair. When he is in a Midlife Crisis, has let go of all his old values AND feels that his marriage may be the cause of his unhappiness, he is even more likely to have an affair.
Secrecy doesn’t necessarily mean he is having an affair, but it is definitely a possibility to be aware of. Secrecy does mean though that he is closing you out of his life. He does not feel the trust or the shared bond that you used to have. Whatever it is that he feels he needs to keep from you, you could well be headed into a Midlife Marriage Crisis.
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None of these signs in themselves are concrete affirmations that you are headed for a MLMC, there can be many causes for each of these behaviours. However, you are reading about MLC for a reason, follow your instincts and remember to take care of yourself. You cannot control your husband, you are not responsible for his Crisis or for the outcome, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself and your own well being.
Regardless of what any of this "is" or "isn't" / I have to heal - REALLY heal if I am ever going to have a chance at a good new life.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
