You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[awest1217]

So you are willing to do anything possible and probably make STBXW mad about money, but you aren't willing to talk to her about the girls' schooling?

I know you are a great dad, but at least the way you are writing things here, it seems like you are not willing to talk to STBXW about important things with the girls and complain that she isn't more involved, but when she does take off work to go to meetings or on her lunch break stop by D11's play, you second guess her. I really think if you talk to STBXW in a civil way (even through e-mail) asking her for suggestions or asking how she is planning to handle the issue that would be good. Even asking what are suggestions for punishment and rewards so you both can be consistent to open up a line of communication is good. You don't have to talk about her and her day, and not even on the phone, but being on the same page is important because ultimately you want the girls to have the best lives they can. They won't if you don't start to communicate. They can have a great life even with the D. Don't make them suffer because you are mad.

[ImprovedRomeo]

awest, I didn't get that impression from what CTH wrote above but if it's true then CTH I agree with awest. The kids have to come first. The way I see it is we've lived most of our lives already the kids are starting theirs and it's a long trek even without having to deal with the D- it's hard for them.

I'm not saying this to you but in general and as a reminder to myself: Put your personal differences aside for the sake of the kids, don't make them the bargaining chips, don't let them suffer or punish them for what STBXW did to you- they're the bigger victims in this moreso than us. Give them everything in your power to make their lives better. So if the communication is the roadblock rise to the challenge and no matter how hurtful it is at the personal level do it for the kids. 5 years from now you'll look back and be proud of yourself. You're a great dad and you do so much for your kids so this is just another one of those things you just have to do for them because you're their true advocate.

I'm glad we finally connected on FB- your kids are so adorable!! they deserve a lifetime of fun and happiness- they're lucky to have you as their dad.

[awest1217]

I am sure I am just projecting.

[ClingingToHope]

Email is communication isn't it? Ninety-nine percent of the stuff can be handled through email. D11 has an appt. here or has to have this done, etc.

I'm just trying to set it as a general practice.

How does it matter to the girls how we communicate? Isn't it better to handle things civilly through email rather than argue on the phone or at meetings?

I know the girls would like to see us together more, but that's because they have the 'parent trap' fantasies running in their heads. When we are together you can cut the tension with a knife. That does no one any good. And when we are on the phone, it's the same thing, there's no real discussion. Just clipped sentences.

Remember my response to STBXW on what I discussed at the parent-teacher conferences.

She took that as a swipe at her that she DIDN'T discuss these things with the teachers. I'm not going to respond. It's bait to start an argument.

I've never said that I wouldn't talk to STBXW when it was important. A first-quarter midterm doesn't rise to that level for me.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh, and that's not to say a first-quarter midterm isn't important. I went to the meetings and we exchanged emails on what's happening. I'm satisfied.

In STBXW's email, she said she thinks it "hurts the girls" by having separate meetings. I don't see it. I got to talk to both teachers for 15 minutes (actually 30 in D8's case) and really enjoyed getting to do it without worrying what I was saying would offend STBXW. It was waaaaayyyyy better than last year when all I wanted to do was head out the door. I love talking about the girls and their progress.

Journaling. Worked the Chicago marathon this weekend. Had nothing to do on Saturday. Worked from 1:30 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Sunday. That includes about 5 hours of sitting around waiting for the race to end.

Now, I'm feeling really run down. I think it's the cold and not age.

It's the second Chicago marathon I've worked and I thought I'll probably have to do at least a few races a year until D8 turns 18. So I've finished two and have eight to go. I like countdowns.

One of the people who worked with me was the friend who split up from his wife of 15 years in December, her choice after they tried counseling for three years. The divorce was final in February. They didn't have major debt issues. They both make plenty of money and they share custody 50/50. A friend from work set him up with a teacher before the D was final and they've been going out ever since.

He is very happy. He'd been having anxiety attacks over the crumbling of the marriage. That's over now. He's completely back to normal.

Now, one thing that could be a worry is the rebound relationship thing. But I've met her. She seems to be a really good fit so he just may have gotten lucky.

In any case. He's a lot farther along than I am. I have to get where he is now.

Funny thing I thought of was church_35 looks an awful lot like his ex. I was thinking more about her this weekend. The next big thing for me is actually going out on dates again. I'm not nearly as desperate to find someone I can spend every waking moment with. Now, I just like to go out once or twice a month.

Two weeks to the move. I have to start making phone calls to switch utilities and all that stuff. I have moving and this will be the third one in two years after being in one place for 11.

For those of you who have chimed in. I am not disregarding your advice and I am defensive at times. Change and acceptance take time.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey I'm with you on the email thing. I think it's probably the way to go. Unfortunately, the biggest disadvantage of email communication is setting the correct 'tone'. It can very easily be misinterpreted. It's still my preference when it comes to talking to STBXW.

When is your D supposed to be final? Any progress?

[Reincarnated]

I speak to my ex very little. It had to be completely email-only for at least a year before I was able to have brief, business phone calls with him.
You have to take care of you in order to be an effective parent (or an effective anything, for that matter).

[antlers]

You have to take care of you in order to be an effective parent (or an effective anything, for that matter).

Amen. Well said.

[ClingingToHope]

IR, Oct. 19 is the next meeting between the Ls. I hope to know more then. Until then, no reason to stress.

DF, thanks. When I was talking to my friend this weekend I was amazed at how well he and the ex are getting along.

The big, big, big difference between him and I is that they went through counseling for three years. They really tried to save the M. STBXW went to one session.

My IC told me I've been hostage for six years. STBXW first brought up D in 2004. So for six years I've had this anvil over my head that if I didn't do what she wanted then she would D me.

She's also had this power for six years -- knowing if she didn't like something I was or wasn't doing then she could trot out the D threat.

Now, the threat is no longer there. I do not want to be controlled in how and when I communicate with her. I have a choice and right now I guess I'm choosing to be difficult.

I don't think it's hurting the girls because there have been no fights or arguments between us in front of the girls since she filed for D in February. That stuff does long-term damage.

It won't be this way forever.

[antlers]

I have a choice and right now I guess I'm choosing to be difficult.

I don't think you're choosing to be difficult CTH...I think you're choosing to take care of yourself, first and foremost. That's a good thing. You don't have to do anything until you're good and ready.