The difference 3 months has made in my life

[TAMF]

Hello my friends! I am starting a new thread, because I am not the person I was a few months ago when I first came on this site.

I look back to July 3rd and what I was like after my H told me he was having an affair with a 27 year old bartender. That he had been unhappy for a long time. That he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Something was missing. blah blah blah. same things each one of us was told. Like they all got together and read the same book on HOW TO HAVE A MLC! He-he.

Now I look at myself and wonder how I got to this point. How I can wake up in the morning and he is not the first thing on my mind. How I can go through the day and not look at my cell phone every minute and wonder if he will text or call. How I can tell people that I am okay - really. That my H is the one that everyone needs to pray for.

The only thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him and how much I still want to be married to him. period.

I can honestly say that I don't know what my future holds. He still drives me crazy because he tells me things that makes me feel like we have a chance and that he still loves me...but then he jumps right back on the crazy trail and runs.

Take for example! Last night he was responsible for picking up our 2 Ds for swim team practice, pick them up after and feed them. I had a work meeting. on my way home from the meeting, I called and talked to my girls and they said that thier dad took them to practice but that another mom brought them home. I asked if he fed them and they said that he ordered a pizza from where he was and had it delivered to the house. IT WAS A PIZZA FROM THE BAR THAT THE OW WORKS AT.

He sent me a text that said: Vicki took the girls home and I got them a pizza.I sent a text back that said: A pizza from the Wharf? nice.his reply: left a long time ago. Home watching the game. Im so sorry. really i am. please forgive me. honestly it was a thoughtless moment.my reply (which I regret because it is NOT detaching)It still hurts so bd. I wish it didn't, but it does. I am trying to move on, I promise.

This morning he sent me a text: so sorry about last night

I didn't reply.

I am tired of being caught up in his drama, the mess that he likes to call his life now. I just want to be able to detach so much that nothing hurts anymore. That isn't realistic, but I can do better! I will enjoy my life and my children. And I will do a better job of not letting his craziness affect my emotions! I finally feel like I can do this.

[ericmsant2]

TAMF

but I can do better!

Then just do it...not with words...with actions!

The only thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him and how much I still want to be married to him. period.

Remember this ^^^^^^ cause...

I'll be sure to remind you when you feel like giving up.

God Bless,
Eric

[TAMF]

wow what a day! where to begin. Please get your palet of 2x4s cause I am going to get it this time.

H came to the house this morning to see girls. He caught me in the kitchen when the girls were downstairs. He started talking like he has NEVER talked before. He kept staring me right in the eyes the whole time as he talked. He said he was so confused. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was angry at himself for not being able to figure himself out. He was so sorry for hurting me over and over with the OW. He just doesn't know what to do. (I mostly just listened) Then he says that he feels like I betrayed him. I asked him quietly, why he thought that. (then the true reason he is on the MLC journey comes out)He said that a secret that I knew about his family for 20 years that I lied to him for 20 years by not telling him. He started crying - grabbed me in the biggest hardest hug ever and whispered that he really missed me.

2x4s ready??

We started kissing - like REALLY kissing. one thing led to another and well we had sex. But wait! not to get to personal here, but in the middle of it he stops and says Look at me! and we never broke eye contact.

bad TAMF bad TAMF!! (but breaking the rules never felt sooo good!LOL!)

Anyway, afterward he asked me to go hiking (our fav thing to do together) He usually listens to his ipod the whole time, but today he talked the WHOLE time. I just listened. He has such a long way to go, but he is admiting that there is something wrong with him. That he has messed his whole life up. He talked about us and how scared he is that if he comes back that it will be horrible (this is what happened to his parents - and they never slept in the same bed again - they were miserable).

I told him quietly that our marriage was dead, gone. But WE don't have to be. If we got back together, it would be a totally different marriage. A marriage that we would have to work really hard on everyday. It would be new, hopeful and stronger...IF we let it. He took this in quietly.

He took me back home and he thanked me for today. That he doesn't do this to get my hopes up, but he has a lot to think about. I smiled and told him that he has a lot to think about. Take the time to figure it out, because I can't do it for him. I went to get out of the car and he says, wait - come here. he grabs my hand and pulls me into a big hard hug kisses me tenderly on the lips and said thank you for helping him.

You know what is the craziest thing after all of this? I am fine! totally fine! I don't have any expectations and I don't think that he is coming back to me. I do know that this was different today. The eye contact, the talking - he was really confused, but clear. Does that make sense?

I don't have any desire to watch my cell to see if he texts me.I know that I can and have gone right back to my life as it was before he came over this morning. wow. that my friends is improvement for me!

[ericmsant2]

TAMF

No 2x4’s from me…

He said he was so confused. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was angry at himself for not being able to figure himself out. He was so sorry for hurting me over and over with the OW. He just doesn't know what to do.

All I will say is 1) I hope and pray that he is coming out of it and 2) ACTIONS speak louder than words.

Then he says that he feels like I betrayed him. I asked him quietly, why he thought that. (then the true reason he is on the MLC journey comes out)He said that a secret that I knew about his family for 20 years that I lied to him for 20 years by not telling him.

IMO, it may be true remorse mixed in with a little justification. Tread lightly and slowly….

bad TAMF bad TAMF!!

FTR, if it was me I would be saying “Eric got some….eric got some” – LOL

Seriously, don’t beat yourself up over it.

TAMF, I want to share with you one of my experiences…

In October, my W dropped the infamous bomb. In Dec, we went X-Mas shopping…It was early Dec and I had just found a secret cell phone my wife had. I confronted her about it and she denied it. I remember telling her…can you honestly look me in the fu*king face and tell me your not having an emotional affair. She finally admitted it. I sat on the edge of the bed looking into our walk in closet where she was standing and I said….honey, I understand, I am not saying that you are NOT at fault here but I also want you to know that I take some of the responsibility for this.

I asked her if she loved him and she said she did not know. I told her that I would try and understand and then believe it or not we went Christmas shopping. When we came home I made a drinks for us. We sat down and started watching a movie and before you know it….the alpha male in me reached over and kissed her. She looked at me and said “I don’t want to give you hope – I have a lot to think about – maybe this will complicate things”. My response (of course thinking with….let just say not my brain)…it will not complicate things. We ended up having sex. Over the next two days. It was the last time I have ever touched her. I can remember that while we were having sex, she started to cry and hug me – she held me tight as she cried. To this day I still do not know why. I am not sure if she felt guilty or felt bad that she “opened up” to me again. At the end of the second day, she was blowing drying her hair to go out. I hugged her from behind and said that I was going to NY to visit my grandmother (in a nursing home) and that we both needed to think about things. She smiled and said yes you are right.

When I came back from NY, I asked her to end the EA with OM. She then denied it. I could not believe it. She had just acknowledged it a day earlier and now she was denying it. Fuc* - I told her that I was going to call his wife AND then….

Damn I can still remember the words…..”no I will end it because I do not want you to hurt HIM”. I looked at her and said “him” – WTF, about me. She did not respond. I then walked over to my computer and told her I was downloading the divorce documents – that I was done. Her response…”what are you quiting already”…I knelt beside her and said…I love you…what do you want from me and she said….I’m tired I am going to bed.

TAMF, I got up laid in the bed next to her and cried for what seemed like hours. She never said another word.

That he doesn't do this to get my hopes up, but he has a lot to think about. I smiled and told him that he has a lot to think about. Take the time to figure it out, because I can't do it for him.

Read my story and see if YOU see any thing that sounds familiar from the above quote.

You know what is the craziest thing after all of this? I am fine! totally fine! I don't have any expectations and I don't think that he is coming back to me.

Really…no expections…your totally fine. Ok.

TAMF, I hope that your H is coming out of his MLC – man I really do.

Be careful

Take it slow

TAMF – I wanted to share this story with you NOT because I want you to feel bad or to think that your H may NOT be coming out of his crisis. As I have said.. I really hope that he is. I shared this with you so that YOU can see what is the confusion that is MLC.

Remember you outlast the crisis…

Now, your interaction, your connection (staring into each other eyes) are all GOOD POSITIVE signs. Go slow, you may feel the need to pressure (like I did) – don’t. Even though you say your not gonna look at the phone – I think ya will and it is okay…just please take it slow…no pressure…no pressure.

Keeping the connection is good. Keep validating. Keep encouraging and above all…

Keep working on YOU and living YOUR life.

God Bless.
Eric

[Truegritter]

Tamf

I hope that you do not have any expectation on this.

Go look at Missher's thread. He had a similar experience with his W.

He is still confused which means he is not done reconciling his pain.

If you want to become a willing participant in that confusion then have expectations...

I don't know what it looks like when someone comes out of MLC but I think I know what it doesn't look like.

Here is a better question

What does it look like for you to except someone back in your life?

What things do YOU need to see from him that you will invest your hard earned self that you are today into something?

Take this very slow Tamf.

[LanceSijan]

Sorry TAMF TG is correct.
This is cake eating.
Your H is not yet done with his crisis,
but he want to share you with someone else.

Grit says that he does not know how MLC ends but I must
agree that it does not end the way things are going right now.

Please keep your expectations low, as far as the 2x4.
The question is which one will hurt more.
Mine or your husbands.

You must take back control.
Is he still with the OW?
Has he gone through OW withdrawal?
Has he gone through depression stage, withdrawal, acceptance.
My answer to that is NO!

He is still in replay and this is a Touch and GO,

You must keep your expectations LOW.
Keep your guard up this is not over.

[PEI]

You certainly SEEM to be in a better place than I was when this was happening in my sitch ... but you know what? I said I was ok too. TAMF, I'm not saying you aren't... I'm just saying that I thought I was where you are only to find out that I wasn't. Clear as mud? Welcome to MLC.

Not sure if you've read my thread or not (might want to make a pot of coffee first LOL!) and I can't seem to get the links in my siggy to work, but you can search me and get them ...

Missher and I had this very discussion in late May/early June. Missher, Eric, me ... and many others ... have walked this exact path ...

Tread carefully ... and get really honest with yourself when all is quiet and there's nobody but you and your mirror ... look deep ....

Peace
PEI

[punkin]

Everything they said^^^^^^^^^^^^. Now don't be surprised if you don't hear from him for awhile, and don't call. He'll probably hide back in his tunnel for awhile. Wise words from Seeking Answers, and they were correct.
Wise words from Lance - No expectations

[TAMF]

you guys were really gentle with me...thanks

I didn't text him at all. He called early this morning, but I had D12 answer my cell. once he talked to her for a while he asked to talk to me.

He thanked me for helping him. He said that he knows that it was hard for me to tell him some of the things I did (about his parents) and that he knows I am afraid to tell him because he might get mad, but he couldn't imagine hearing this painful stuff about his family from someone other than me. He said that he knows I told him that i don't want to talk to him except for kids, house or finances, but that he just couldn't imagine not talking to me. That he knows its hard but he needs me in his life and that he knows that is f@%ked up. All I said was your welcome for the help.

I got off the phone and realized that detaching from him was driving him nuts! good. keep detaching TAMF but be nice.

He is still seeing other woman. can't fix that - only he can.

I am okay as I can be - and better than I was 3 months ago. I have spent the day with friends watching the Chicago Bears beat Carolina and then to make the day even better...I watched the Packers get beat in overtime. God gives me these little treasures when I least expect them! I have been smiling all day because I feel good. I haven't had a relapse.

By the way Eric - laughed out loud (so much so that I had to SPELL it out) when you wrote what you would say if you had just had sex. TOO FUNNY!

Thanks for keeping me focused everyone! You all are fantastic!

[TAMF]

This morning H showed up at 6:30am to surprise the girls and take them to school (they usually ride the bus). He brought them muffins and he brought me coffee. That was nice.

I got ready for work and when I walked out into the kitchen he stopped and his mouth dropped and he said,"wow, you look amazing" I smiled and said thanks.

His laptop had broke - totally broke/crashed/monitor flaked out. and he has to have a computer for his work. Yesterday when the girls and I were at Sam's Club - they asked if they could get Dad a new laptop for Christmas from them and give it to him now since he needs it so badly. I said okay and they picked it out. (he is completely computer stupid and would never know what to get) anyway, I need him to function well at work cause our finances are still together - so I want to make sure he has the tools to keep the money flowing into our account! but I won't deny that this is me "taking care of him" and wasn't the best idea for detachment purposes.

Anyway, the girls gave him the computer this morning and he was really shocked. smiling from ear to ear. gave both girls a great big hug and then came around to me and gave me a big hug too - as he gave me the hug, I whispered in his ear with a big smile "don't get your hopes up, I didn't do this to get you back"

He burst out laughing. I said that I had to go - as I was walking down the stairs he said, "it was good to see you this morning" I called back "you too" and he said "are you sure?" I walked back up the stairs and gave him a look...he puts up his hands and says "just kidding! have a good day"

Then I get to work, and a co-worker said that when she was on vacation last week, she was getting her hair done. (we share the same stylist who happens to know my husband too)and our stylist told co-worker that she had seen my H at the Oktoberfest Parade with his girlfriend while I was in vegas (Sept.25th). He had told me prior to my leaving for vegas that he wasn't going to Oktoberfest while he was watching the girls. but my Mom had asked him if she could take them to the parade. so he had open time...

I already figured he had gone because D12 had called me in Vegas and said he was gone until 7pm that night. When she asked him were he had been, he told her that it wasn't her concern. So she and I both knew he had been there with her. I just didn't know for sure.

Good Lord I hate to hear that people are talking about our situation. I hate gossip.

None of this is a surprise at all. I know he is with her.

Question is...does she know about me?

He is caught in a web of lies and secrets and confusion and pain and anger. The big spider that is life is going to come eat him soon.