While I agree that you are not quite ready to hear a lot of what has been said to you yet...
I went back over your threads. You registered here in February and did not start posting until April. At that point in time, your bomb was seven months fresh and you had tried the "medical" approach to dealing with it.
You came to the MLC forum in August and it is now the very beginning of October. So in total, a year from your bomb, but only a few months of really looking at this differently.
I see posters here, pushing you, to where you are not ready to be yet. I see lots of people talking the talk.
I have had to go back, in my memory, to where you are, just beginning this journey. You have read some books, you have a basic understanding of MLC. That is wonderful.
Get more. Really get to know the MLC monster. Not through a text book, but through personal experiences. Other people's pain and situations. It will be through that, that you can really understand what your W is going through.
Why do this, when the only person you can control is you?
Because the better you know what it is you are dealing with, what it is that you see and hear coming from your W, the better able you are to make decisions on how to handle it, that will serve you and whatever your ultimate goal is.
Right now, it is saving your M. That could change over time but it may not.
This is how to start this process. Until you understand WHAT you are dealing with, it is difficult to detatch and change the focus.
We oldtimers, and newer posters who are further along than you but not as far as they will hopefully grow to, have been remis, IMO, over the last year. We let Cadet put up the link to the resources, and we have stopped talking about what is in those resources.
You will find information that will blow your mind away. Some will make you laugh and some will make you cry. But if you really pay attention, you will learn. You will come to understand that a call to come fix the computer, is a call to come fix the computer but it is more than that. You will learn that while you want her to know how you feel, it just isn't the time for that and why.
You will learn from other people mistakes and truimphs. And then you will begin to have your own. And then you will begin to grow.
Is any of this a guarantee to saving your M?
Unfortunately it is not.
Bobby, you can do this...
Do what I suggest and answer Mach's questions from earlier in this thread...
It will begin to help...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
We oldtimers, and newer posters who are further along than you but not as far as they will hopefully grow to, have been remis, IMO, over the last year. We let Cadet put up the link to the resources, and we have stopped talking about what is in those resources.
Cat has given you great advice. You have a medical mind and you really need to understand what you are dealing with. It is not someting that comes with reading one post or paragraph, but by a process.
Cat I must really agree with what you have written in the above quote. I am not sure how we get to that point. I am open to any insight that you are willing to share.
Ususlly cadet asks if anyone has any questions. But I must admit that almost no one has had any questions.
Does that mean that no one is reading these resources?
Do we have to have pop "tests" to make sure the homework is getting done?
Thank you cat. I have a lot to learn. I failed to mention that my wife is Japanese American and hence the saving face my father-in-law points out. I will go over the posting of cadet again. Thanks again for being kind. Bobby O
Hey man...I have been where you are at so I am not gonna harp on what has already been posted to you.
What I will say is this....
Dude - go have a beer tonight...sit back..and just try to give your mind a break.
Cheers <insert picture of Eric raising a toast> Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Perhaps it is pushing? If it is, then what good would we be to Bobby if we didn't?
Bingo. We can't make him hear it ... but we can put it out there so when he is ready, he'll have what he needs to help him start to turn this inwards and really look at himself and his life and who he is and what he wants.
I'm no stranger to "pushing" ... and sometimes I pushed back, and sometimes I heard it .. never stopped anyone from saying what needed to be said. Thank god.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hello all. Yesterday was very upsetting for me. I pulled into my driveway only to find my wife pull up from behind. She went into the house and just started yelling about how my mom spoke to our daughter about her the other day. She then said she wanted the name of my lawyer as she was filing the paperwork. I gave her the name of my lawyer and then she said that she wanted to meet with me to determine the terms of the agreement. I told her that was fine. I did get angry with her and told her I was tired of her angry outbursts and tired of being threatened with divorce. I told her if she was not filing then I was. I know I should not have said it but she pushed my buttons. She then said she would go to the party but that it was awkward. I told her that she needed to collect the rest of her things as I was changing the locks on the doors. She said some explicatives but I had to set boundaries as she has been coming into the house at will.My lawyer had told me weeks ago to change the locks. Any thoughts? Bobby O
I did get angry with her and told her I was tired of her angry outbursts and tired of being threatened with divorce. I told her if she was not filing then I was. I know I should not have said it but she pushed my buttons.
YOU got angry because you are not detached. Her threats affect you because you are not detached.
So now you WANT to be divorced? Can't see any other reason for YOU filing in what you wrote ...
Bobby ... she can't push your buttons unless you let her. You are not a child, you are making choices. When you are ready you will choose differently ... no body said those choices would be easy or intuitive. That's why we call it doing the "WORK".
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Didn’t I just suggest the other day that you get hang out and have a beer. See below
Quote:
Dude - go have a beer tonight...sit back..and just try to give your mind a break.
Do you see why I suggested the beer?
Ya know Bobby, I can’t figure you out man.
I’m with Grit on this one. You need to figure out what you want and then start acting like it.
I believe you have read the MLC resources. Do you really understand what MLC is?
Your wife is confused right now Bobby. She is totally out there. Why else do you think she would leave the comfort of her house to move out and into a place where she does not have the funds to pay for it.
Why do you think she decided to go back to school and leave you all of a sudden?
Why the sudden change in behavior?
Bobby, your wife is in a crisis.
AND Now I hate to say it…so are YOU.
Bobby you detach so that you can protect yourself emotionally from her. You detach so that YOU do not open your mouth and write a check the honestly you and I know your as* cannot cash. Nor does it want to cash right now.
Look man, I am not gonna keep beating you up. You responded already and cannot undo the past. Learn from this experience.
You pushed and now you will find out how far she is willing to, in her MLC mind, to make a point.
You want my thoughts….
Go have a beer and learn to STFU. Leave her alone and let the dust settle.
Do not call her 15 times and apologize.
When you see her again – be civil and nice. Do not bring up the D or lawyers.
If she contacts you and asks have you changed the locks, you will need to decide what your answer is – if it were me I would say no not yet and follow that up, with …”I am still upset at our last exchange and I hope that going forward we can communicate better”. This is not apologizing not is it casting any blame.
Do you really want to save your M Bobby?
If you do, please start to listen to some of the advice being posted. If something does not make sense ask and I am sure that someone will try to help.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
