Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it

[whatisis]

Romeo, often when we're out of energy it's because we've pushed the old adrenals a little too hard. This separation/divorce stuff is physically, not just emotionally, draining. One thing I've been doing which I believe has been helping me is to meditate. When I have my lunch hour I spend 30 - 40 minutes in my office with the lights out listening to a relaxing CD and deep breathing. When I get home I'll lie down for half an hour and listen to another such CD. On my way to and from work I listen to a Christian confidence affirmations CD. At night, I spend about 20 minutes to half an hour doing bible reading, I have a "read the bible in a year" plan. Next, I've got to get my prayer life into order. But, my point is that I'm replenishing myself rather than forcing myself to run around just to feel busy. So, if you need time to be by yourself and relax use that time to do some Romeo re-building. If you're not into the Christian thing, pick up something else that is life affirming to read or listen to, there's tons of stuff out there. Check out Soundstrue.com, you can purchase and download stuff right from their site and start tonight if you want. I reserve books and CD's from the library too. Your energy will come when it's ready!

[soleil]

CTH, the only way I can have your kind of energy is...if I took valium, viagra and rogaine together.

Sol, I don't have a date yet- are you buying drinks?

Valium, viagara and rogaine, huh? My, that's quite a concoction!

Sure I am buying drinks. We can drink some divorce-tinis. LOL. Vodka, a spritz of raspberry juice topped off with a little salt.

When is your D scheduled for?

Question for everyone on the board: did you feel better thruogh the separation and/or did you start feeling better after D was final? Around waht month did you start feeling better? I know this is different for everyone but I was just wondering...

[ImprovedRomeo]

Ugh...reeling from my 2.5hr bumper to bumper commute this morning. Took me over an hour for the last 6 miles. So aggravating when you leave home at 6:45AM and don't get to work till 9:30AM. Luckily it doesn't happen very often.

Wii, those are great suggestions- thanks. I'll keep them in mind.

Sol, you sound like you know your drinks! I don't drink but hey I can be persuaded to do just about anything with enough motivation I should be finding out about the D stuff soon. Not looking forward to it but it's gotta get done.

I think for most people it'll be after the D is final because you no longer have the legal stress looming over your heads. You can finally breathe and feel free- if there is such a thing when kids and support payments are involved...but still.

[ClingingToHope]

Good line on the valium, etc.

I think the cold is letting up. Good thing because I'm working all weekend at the Chicago Marathon.

I saw this.

I said "yeah, why do you ask?" she said "well because I want us to live together again as family"

My D8 drew a picture of the four of us together as a family and told me she misses that.

At least, until are dying days, we know and the kids know this wasn't our decision. That's big.

[ImprovedRomeo]

NB, thanks for those suggestions- sorry for some reason I missed your post earlier. I'll definitely keep those in mind. It's a learning process for both me and DD. Lots of firsts.

CTH, DD has done that for a while- she draws all of us together. However, the last couple she did (which were AMAZING drawing btw even for a grown up let alone a 6yo) she drew just her and mommy. Which was fine I did't want to be an Ariel

[ImprovedRomeo]

Oh...who says old dogs can't learn new tricks? I'm getting good at this last minute cooking stuff. For lunch I tossed a chicken breast (protein) on the George Forman grill, opened a can of Grill'n beans (protein and fiber) and tossed that in the microwave. After they were cooked I chopped up a quarter of an onion, then diced up the chicken breast and half a tomato- threw it all into the beans and had a pretty decent semi-balanced hobo stew prepared in 10 mins lol. I sat out in the backyard and enjoyed my mini camping meal experience with a warm tortilla. Funny, I hardly buy frozen food anymore- and for those that have followed me from the begining know this is a huge 180 for me.

Time to saddle up for my motorcycle ride, then go to a b.day party in the neighborhood and finally probably a book or a movie this evening. Life's good.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend so far!

[antlers]

Time to saddle up for my motorcycle ride.

What kind of motorcycle do you ride?

[OldFool]

IR: I haven't checked up on you lately, so a fair amount of water has passed under the bridge. Here are a few random thoughts on some of the topics that have come up since.

It's great that TTH has so successfully disconnected from it all. However, while I believe everyone gets to that point (to a greater or lesser extent), they have to do it in their own way and in their own time. It would be pretty easy for me to say that you or others have taken too long to get there, but I am in no position to make that evaluation. It is true that there are some things one cannot control and fuming about them won't do any good (at least practically speaking). Nevertheless, unless one is Vulcan, it is impossible to be completely immune from how you feel. In my opinion, we must allow ourselves that feeling...we just shouldn't allow it to drive our actions or our decision making.

With respect to the issue of unrealistic marriage expectations, I couldn't agree more. The quoted statement is right on the money. In every aspect of life (from marriage and career to vacation or vehicle), if your expectations exceed what you believe you are getting, you are likely to be unhappy. For example, if you believe that your job should pay more, the reality that no one else in the world gets paid more to do that kind of job will be largely immaterial. You're still going to be unhappy because you...wait for it...expect more.

I am reminded of Jerry Seinfeld who did a short bit on soda ads. He remarked how the ads always show people having a great time...dancing, handsome guys, beautiful women, people laughing or cheering, music playing, folks spiking volleyballs, etc. Then he asked the audience, "Have you ever been watching one of these commercials WHILE you are actually drinking the product being advertised and wondered why you're not having as much fun?"

The point is that life is rarely like it is portrayed on TV, but we are constantly fed these images and over time they begin to infect us with those pesky Unrealistic Expectations...and that's The Word (for Colbert fans).

With respect to problems with divorce laws, I agree that they need a serious update. However, a larger problem may be that when we enter a marriage, we fail to recognize the importance of the term "contract". It is, ultimately, a marriage contract and we generally sign it without having the slightest notion of the financial implications that come with it.

We spend more time researching the details of a two-year cell phone contract than we do something that has the potential to affect every aspect of our lives for much more than two years. If I sound preachy, I don't intend to...I'm as guilty of this as the next person. We're fed a stream of nonsense that says marriage is all about love and devotion, but it's about more...much more. It just doesn't become evident until it is too late.

This is almost certainly compounded by our kind of "Perry Mason" view of the legal system. I suspect that for most of us who have little to do with it, apart from the occasional traffic ticket, the legal system is assumed to be a justice system. The fact it is not is perhaps the hardest, yet most important, element to understand. We have a system of law, not a system of justice. We hope that in building the first, the outcome will be the second, but it isn't always that way.

Sadly, our system is not always fair and does not always mete out justice in the broader philosophical sense of the term (though we tend to believe that it does...just like in old Perry Mason). Instead, sometimes criminals get out on technicalities, the innocent are railroaded into prison by well-meaning but misguided individuals, and money in sufficient quantities can subvert the entire process.

It is an ugly reality that often...and unfortunately...ends up revealing itself just when the poor divorce victim is already down. This is particularly true for the LBS who, having just discovered their WAS' nearly limitless capacity for unfair behavior, now finds that his/her refuge in the legal system is just as unfair (if not more so). With that in mind, it's fairly easy to understand the frustration, despondency, and anger often exhibited by many an LBS.

Finally, with regard to the nickel-and-dime monetary demands of your STBXW, have you asked your atty how to handle these? Maybe collect and combine several into a single payment and make sure she signs something acknowledging receipt of the funds? I fear you will pay a fair chunk in these micro-payments and in the D you will get no credit for it (I can see her denying having received any of them).

[ImprovedRomeo]

What kind of motorcycle do you ride?

Here antlers- don't mind the pic of my new girlfriend LOL: http://www.motorkari.cz/upload/images/hlasovani/123.jpg

OK seriously though, I ride a Honda 450cc standard (aka naked bike). It's an old bike but it'll still do 0-60 in 4.5secs flat. It needed a lot of TLC when I bought it- but that's why I bought it. I had my eye on the Suzuki VStrom or a BMW FG800 before the D stuff hit me- I like these two bikes because I can go on a cross-country trip with them and also explore the back country to an extent. Lately though I will say the crotch rockets have crossed my mind...aside from the sheer speed they have a higher chick magnet factor LOL

OF, good to see you again- hope you're good! I still miss kikisum sometimes, I hope she's good. As always your words of advice are spot on. I will keep everything you said in mind. The Ls are useless...as for the nickle and dime stuff I really don't care there's not much to it honestly. I think it's just a power struggle thing and the fact that she's probably just as unhappy as she was before- if not more. So she still tries to blame me and takes it out on me. It's kinda nice not to be so bitter. Surely I am sometimes too but very seldom and only due to the financial impact this D has on my life.

[smith18]

OldFool -

Great post! As usual.

Romeo - My only disagreement is about your "Ls are useless" comment. My L was invaluable. I would have gladly paid him twice the amount for he helped me immensely. I think that I was lucky and got one who really cared for the sake of the kids best interest and for making a fair deal for all.

As for motorcycles...I have owned a slew of em. The combination two-stroke street/dirt Yamaha 350 was my favorite. I had a Suzuki gt550 two-stroke that felt like accelerating on a rocket. I have decided about 20 years ago to sit on the sidelines - I pressed my luck and dont want to press it anymore.