Just finished reading all 130+ pages of your sitch. Your first post could have been written by me. Reads like a novel. I wish I had words of wisdom that have not already been written. I'm sorry that I don't. I will say that gucci's most recent post rings true. You are re-writing history.
As an engineer (ok formerly an engineer) myself I see what you are doing. You are trying, repeatedly to engineer you M. I do think you might have had opportunities. But I won’t dwell on them. You seem to be at your best when you focus on your music and let go. I think you will never get the “remorse” you feel you deserve. If you are not OK with that, then I think you are the bottleneck here and you are making it harder on everyone.
I will say that I think I’ve learned a lot from you and your threads. I hope what I’ve learned isn’t true, but I fear that it is. Good luck, and stay around.
Wow, thanks NotFromThesePart. Can't believe someone would take that kind of time to read my whole sitch. I've often felt my story here is incomplete because I started posting several months after it all started.
I don't know if I'm re-writing history, as much as summarizing, and zeroing in on only the parts I'm trying to emphasize. SMQ continually calls me on flip flopping, and I guess that's part of who I am, at least in my head. Much less of that flip flopping makes its way into my actual behavior.
I also fear I may never get that remorse. We'll see. I was actually surprised at the remorse my W showed me last week. If I never get it, I never get it. I don't need it for me anymore, but it is required for any hope of reconciling. No one else here sees my W, interacts with her. She's either the world's greatest actor, or she is still very attached to me, and doesn't want to lose me. Unfortunately for her, she showed her hand two years ago when all this started. I now know very well how she acts when she's lying and manipulating me. What I feel from her now is much more like confusion and desperation.
Not sure what you mean when you say I'm engineering my M. I am a very logical person, so that's certainly always present. I'm just doing the best I can. My W and I get along very well, and we share three little kids. There are many advantages to reconciling, so I'm open to it. I have lived without her so long that I don't long for her at all. As I've said here many times recently, I'm afraid of reconciling, as it would mean giving up a lot in my life. Another part of me believes it could be a really good thing.
