Future, I just went back and read ALL of your last December's posts. You are re-writing history in your mind. What you think happened and what really happened are not the same. You never dumped her. You never SOUNDLY rejected her. Not from the posts I read last December. You bought her a Christmas present, you bought her champagne for New Years
You are changing history. You are only lying to yourself. You really need to stop lying to yourself. You are not fooling me,(maybe some others on here who don't want to hurt you) only yourself. Telling us you dumped her when that is not what happened is part of the reason you are still here going on what? three years. Shame on you.
Ok, I will accept some of that, but it hasn't even been two years yet, and I'm fine with how I've grown in that time. I've met a lot of new people, done a lot of new things. What else can I want? I did dump her, at least as much as I can dump someone I'm intertwined with raising three little kids. It did take me some time. It was an enormous move for me to make, and I wavered at first, but I know where I got, and I was living my life for me. I was doing nothing to influence her feelings for me at all. I was far more interested in my music playing, and other women that were interested in me than I was in her. The Christmas present was a joke, and I did it because I felt a little Christmas spirit. The New Year's Eve champagne was because she offered to watch our sick youngest daughter so I could take the other kids to a New Year's Eve party. Perhaps I haven't made it clear, but this is a person I have to deal with nearly daily, and in most practical ways, she is kind and respectful to me. It's my choice whether I treat her like sh*t, or with some amount of basic human decency. On top of that, my kids are watching. What should I show them, that their Dad treats their Mom with cold disdain, in the face of her at least outward kindness toward me?
Also realize I am in an extremely precarious financial situation. In our state, she could be getting far more money from me that she does. Doesn't matter that she cheated, doesn't matter that she moved out. In this state, she is entitled to support based on state formulas. She is accepting FAR less, so I have incentive to not rock the boat too much. If I aggressively push for divorce, and if she gets desperate, I could be facing near financial ruin. Part of what I'm doing is keeping her appeased. I may have to eventually fight that fight, but every month that goes by between now and then solidifies my position.
Quote:
Snapping at a wayward and writing them an angry nasty message sounding like you are done is NOT dumping them. This again is only fooling yourself. I recommend you get HONEST with yourself here.
I agree. Writing her that e-mail was absolutely NOT dumping her. I realized that later. It still was an important step for me to take, because she reacted with extreme anger, and for the first time, I didn't buckle and back down. The way I behaved, toward myself, and toward her, over the following months did feel like I significantly detached from her, and walked away. She had to do something desperate, like suing me, to get my attention back, so she must have felt pretty dumped! I use this board as a sounding board for a lot of thoughts and feelings that come up in me. Big difference between that and how I act toward her. I NEVER contact her. She continually contacts me. Ever since I sent that e-mail, our relationship has fundamentally changed. A couple weeks after I sent that message, and after we had that tough mediation session, I remember sitting at a pub having a beer, waiting for a good friend to come join me, and I sent him a text message saying "I'm free!", and I was, and I've felt that way since. I can do whatever I want.
Impossible to fully describe on this board how fundamentally I changed after I sent that message. My friends all saw it, after the dust settled. I reclaimed myself on that day, after being emotionally brutalized for over a year. Ever since that day, she has had to pursue me to keep me in her life. I never contact her, so if she stopped pursuing me, we would have NO contact at all, and I'd be fine with it. I never have to test my resolve on that very much, because she ALWAYS contacts me. She finds excuses, she does anything she can to try to keep me in her life.
gucci, you continually preach to go out and date other women. I do. All the time. W knows it, and hates it, but she knows she has absolutely no grounds to say anything about it. She tries to make little jokes about it to pry information out of me, but I see right through her. I give her nothing.
Quote:
is this what you are waiting on? until you find another person.
Codependent?
and isn't this exactly what your wife wants? an open marriage. she's got someone on the side you have someone on the side.
I'm not waiting on finding another person. I just know that before I find another person, anything can happen, but if I emotionally commit to someone else, my W is out, for good. This sitch is resolved.
Under no definition am I codependent, except to some degree for raising the kids. I am dependent on her for help raising the kids, I admit it. She's dependent on me too. Other than that, we share no responsibilities, nothing financial, and we rarely spend any significant time together. I never initiate contact with her. How can that possibly be codependent? I'm far more dependent on a couple of my friends than I am on her!
We don't have an open marriage, because we don't have a marriage. We are still legally married, but in no other way.
