The difference 3 months has made in my life

[TAMF]

wow what a day! where to begin. Please get your palet of 2x4s cause I am going to get it this time.

H came to the house this morning to see girls. He caught me in the kitchen when the girls were downstairs. He started talking like he has NEVER talked before. He kept staring me right in the eyes the whole time as he talked. He said he was so confused. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was angry at himself for not being able to figure himself out. He was so sorry for hurting me over and over with the OW. He just doesn't know what to do. (I mostly just listened) Then he says that he feels like I betrayed him. I asked him quietly, why he thought that. (then the true reason he is on the MLC journey comes out)He said that a secret that I knew about his family for 20 years that I lied to him for 20 years by not telling him. He started crying - grabbed me in the biggest hardest hug ever and whispered that he really missed me.

2x4s ready??

We started kissing - like REALLY kissing. one thing led to another and well we had sex. But wait! not to get to personal here, but in the middle of it he stops and says Look at me! and we never broke eye contact.

bad TAMF bad TAMF!! (but breaking the rules never felt sooo good!LOL!)

Anyway, afterward he asked me to go hiking (our fav thing to do together) He usually listens to his ipod the whole time, but today he talked the WHOLE time. I just listened. He has such a long way to go, but he is admiting that there is something wrong with him. That he has messed his whole life up. He talked about us and how scared he is that if he comes back that it will be horrible (this is what happened to his parents - and they never slept in the same bed again - they were miserable).

I told him quietly that our marriage was dead, gone. But WE don't have to be. If we got back together, it would be a totally different marriage. A marriage that we would have to work really hard on everyday. It would be new, hopeful and stronger...IF we let it. He took this in quietly.

He took me back home and he thanked me for today. That he doesn't do this to get my hopes up, but he has a lot to think about. I smiled and told him that he has a lot to think about. Take the time to figure it out, because I can't do it for him. I went to get out of the car and he says, wait - come here. he grabs my hand and pulls me into a big hard hug kisses me tenderly on the lips and said thank you for helping him.

You know what is the craziest thing after all of this? I am fine! totally fine! I don't have any expectations and I don't think that he is coming back to me. I do know that this was different today. The eye contact, the talking - he was really confused, but clear. Does that make sense?

I don't have any desire to watch my cell to see if he texts me.I know that I can and have gone right back to my life as it was before he came over this morning. wow. that my friends is improvement for me!