IR: I haven't checked up on you lately, so a fair amount of water has passed under the bridge. Here are a few random thoughts on some of the topics that have come up since.
It's great that TTH has so successfully disconnected from it all. However, while I believe everyone gets to that point (to a greater or lesser extent), they have to do it in their own way and in their own time. It would be pretty easy for me to say that you or others have taken too long to get there, but I am in no position to make that evaluation. It is true that there are some things one cannot control and fuming about them won't do any good (at least practically speaking). Nevertheless, unless one is Vulcan, it is impossible to be completely immune from how you feel. In my opinion, we must allow ourselves that feeling...we just shouldn't allow it to drive our actions or our decision making.
With respect to the issue of unrealistic marriage expectations, I couldn't agree more. The quoted statement is right on the money. In every aspect of life (from marriage and career to vacation or vehicle), if your expectations exceed what you believe you are getting, you are likely to be unhappy. For example, if you believe that your job should pay more, the reality that no one else in the world gets paid more to do that kind of job will be largely immaterial. You're still going to be unhappy because you...wait for it...expect more.
I am reminded of Jerry Seinfeld who did a short bit on soda ads. He remarked how the ads always show people having a great time...dancing, handsome guys, beautiful women, people laughing or cheering, music playing, folks spiking volleyballs, etc. Then he asked the audience, "Have you ever been watching one of these commercials WHILE you are actually drinking the product being advertised and wondered why you're not having as much fun?"
The point is that life is rarely like it is portrayed on TV, but we are constantly fed these images and over time they begin to infect us with those pesky Unrealistic Expectations...and that's The Word (for Colbert fans).
With respect to problems with divorce laws, I agree that they need a serious update. However, a larger problem may be that when we enter a marriage, we fail to recognize the importance of the term "contract". It is, ultimately, a marriage contract and we generally sign it without having the slightest notion of the financial implications that come with it.
We spend more time researching the details of a two-year cell phone contract than we do something that has the potential to affect every aspect of our lives for much more than two years. If I sound preachy, I don't intend to...I'm as guilty of this as the next person. We're fed a stream of nonsense that says marriage is all about love and devotion, but it's about more...much more. It just doesn't become evident until it is too late.
This is almost certainly compounded by our kind of "Perry Mason" view of the legal system. I suspect that for most of us who have little to do with it, apart from the occasional traffic ticket, the legal system is assumed to be a justice system. The fact it is not is perhaps the hardest, yet most important, element to understand. We have a system of law, not a system of justice. We hope that in building the first, the outcome will be the second, but it isn't always that way.
Sadly, our system is not always fair and does not always mete out justice in the broader philosophical sense of the term (though we tend to believe that it does...just like in old Perry Mason). Instead, sometimes criminals get out on technicalities, the innocent are railroaded into prison by well-meaning but misguided individuals, and money in sufficient quantities can subvert the entire process.
It is an ugly reality that often...and unfortunately...ends up revealing itself just when the poor divorce victim is already down. This is particularly true for the LBS who, having just discovered their WAS' nearly limitless capacity for unfair behavior, now finds that his/her refuge in the legal system is just as unfair (if not more so). With that in mind, it's fairly easy to understand the frustration, despondency, and anger often exhibited by many an LBS.
Finally, with regard to the nickel-and-dime monetary demands of your STBXW, have you asked your atty how to handle these? Maybe collect and combine several into a single payment and make sure she signs something acknowledging receipt of the funds? I fear you will pay a fair chunk in these micro-payments and in the D you will get no credit for it (I can see her denying having received any of them).
