Every situation is different. Clearly true Antlers and I'm glad you are the one to say it. Some on here pretty much take a one size fits all approach and shove it onto others. I didn't know how long it took you to do it after finding out. That' must have been tough and I do believe you felt it was a last ditch effort to save things. But in your case you also didn't "go public". Off the top of my head, I cannot think of when that approach would be good for anyone, esp if there are kids. I wouldn't recommend anyone expose their spouses affair in order to "shame" them. I think most people expose their spouses affair because they (the victim) need support.
I don't have a "study" on this but my gut is saying it's a toss up. A LOT of lbs-ers feel justified in punishing and call it "consequences". My DB coach reminded me that it's not a spouses' job to teach consequences, b/c Life will do that. And then the whole 'parental tone" of disapproval that turns pretty much everyone off...(remember, we're supposed to do what works, even if it feels the opposite of what we want to do.) Plus, let's admit it. A LOT of people tell LBSers to "expose" and then in the next paragraph will show their anger. They'll say "the cheater deserves/caused MY pain and therefore...blah blah blah" and my take on it, is vindictiveness is not attractive. They DO intend to punish. (Obviously, not all, but imo, many).
The pain is so deep. It is such a gross violation of trust, committed by someone who vowed to spend their life with you and be faithful to you, that once it happens...you need to tell people you are close to and trust, so they can be supportive of you.
THIS is totally understandable and not what I'm concerned about when people "expose". It's the telling employers, teachers, neighbors, etc only to force them to condemn or take sides. I know it surely embarasses and humiliates but I think most LBSers at the time, in their pain, fail to realize it's not just unattractive to their spouses, but to uncomfortable 3rd parties who maybe never wanted or needed this info and now feel awkwardaround the lbs-er as much as the WAS (or more so--ironic but true).
I kept it to myself. I worked on me, I addressed my shortcomings, and I succeeded. I remember vividly all of the times that she got off work at 5 pm, and wouldn't come home until 8, 8:30, or 9 pm at night. This was when she was pulling away. I would question her. She would lie.-- I questioned her. She lied. I questioned her further and she went berserk! I remember her telling me that it "sickened and disgusted" her for me to touch her anymore. I had no control at all over her or what she did. A key insight.
I needed the support of my family and close friends. So, after such a long time, and after much water had gone under the bridge...I told...my family and close friends, because I needed their support. It was after the mediation. She still won't accept any responsibility to this day.
Probably won't publicly accept any- but who knows what she feels inside? Did she marry the guy and live happily ever after?
Antlers, thank you again! Yes, my exposure came from a place of trying to save my M. I actually turned over every letter to my L. I'm confident that if this somehow comes up in court, the judge/mediator will see this is what I was doing. Thank you for your support. I will always question if what I did was the right thing, until the day he comes back to me. But I also know, I had to do what felt right and made sense at the time.
If he never comes back to you, it does not make what you did wrong. If a tactic does not work, but came from the right place, then you made a tactical error, not a moral one. If you got in his face "teaching him a lesson" or "giving him what he deserves" then I'd say you screwed up big time. It sounds as if that is not what happened but I'm not clear on who you informed of this or who got exposed, etc. And I don't think one size fits all, except if you act in anger, even justified anger, it's a dangerous act that rarely pays off. Guess that's my big point. Dig deep and know why you are doing what you are doing. Heck, if we all did that IN our marriages, many would not be here in the first place.
The rest of your life is yours. You're in charge of your life and your happiness and if you take responsibility for that, (b/c no one else will) then you'll eventually heal, move forward, and yes, be happy. Believe you deserve it, become the woman you want to become, and leave the results up to God. You might be surprised at how well things go in your life. Our Happiness really is in our control, ultimately. Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
