A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

[lovehurts]

Every situation is different. What is not different is, as you stated, the cheating spouses justification for what they are doing...regardless of how wrong it actually is. They all 'rationalize' and convince themselves that not only is what they are doing OK, it's "justified". Jesus Himself couldn't convince these people that what they are doing is grossly wrong. Some, as you mentioned, even convince themselves that they were "forced" into it.
I wouldn't recommend anyone expose their spouses affair in order to "shame" them. I think most people expose their spouses affair because they (the victim) need support. The pain is so deep. It is such a gross violation of trust, committed by someone who vowed to spend their life with you and be faithful to you, that once it happens...you need to tell people you are close to and trust, so they can be supportive of you.
I myself never said a word to anyone about my wife's cheating. I kept it to myself for 22 months. All of the time that I've spent on this board during the long separation, and after the divorce was filed by her, I kept it to myself. I worked on me, I addressed my shortcomings, and I succeeded. I remember vividly all of the times that she got off work at 5 pm, and wouldn't come home until 8, 8:30, or 9 pm at night. This was when she was pulling away. I would question her. She would lie. I remember vividly one night in particular that she came home about 9 pm after getting off work at 5, and she went and got in the shower (something that she NEVER did). And her blue panties were laying on the bathroom floor with fresh semen stains in them. I questioned her. She lied. I questioned her further and she went berserk! I remember her telling me that it "sickened and disgusted" her for me to touch her anymore. I had no control at all over her or what she did. All the while, I concentrated on myself and the changes that I needed to make in myself. She never acknowledged anything, she never accepted any blame at all, and was more than happy for me to shoulder all of it myself.
I needed the support of my family and close friends. So, after such a long time, and after much water had gone under the bridge...I told...my family and close friends, because I needed their support. It was after the mediation.
She still won't accept any responsibility to this day.

Antlers, thank you again! Yes, my exposure came from a place of trying to save my M. I actually turned over every letter to my L. I'm confident that if this somehow comes up in court, the judge/mediator will see this is what I was doing. Thank you for your support. I will always question if what I did was the right thing, until the day he comes back to me. But I also know, I had to do what felt right and made sense at the time.