No more games-Onward

[CD Bear]

Hey there everybody.
Looks like the "forum repairs" also locked my last thread.

No problem. Time for a new stage anyway.

It has been mentioned by a few of my "closest advisors" that my W is "in crisis" as opposed to purely WAW. I'll accept that as I beleived all along there was an 'identity crisis" present in our M. What does that do to the sitch? Not much other than I need to be open to a wider range of issues if there is going to be a reconciliation at any point in the future.

Update? Sure.

I've recently been 'poked' that I am going dark- no posts, less alt contact, no real "situational discussion'; good or bad. It's true. I agree with you all.

Reasons-
No real change in sitch.
W still living with OM and her friend (also in mid-divorce)
No legitimate evidence of that changing.
It was all about me growing and learning and establsishing my "new" life.

So that's where I am right now.

I posted a list of things I was working on. There is progress here.
My appt with L is next Friday...if I can afford it. May have to delay til I have get more savings.

Looks like truck IS being traded off Monday or Tuesday. That will save me 400/month

My taxes are being prepared and W's last documentation arrived.
I'll pass my assessment numbers to her and ask for hers so we can split the bill/refund

Drums are almost set up completely. Been a few years since they were up so I took the opportunity to "re-do" the set up. Couple little adjusments and the insulation to stuff in the basement ceiling and a couple windows-keep the neighbors happy

Hockey started last weekend and continues every Sunday til late April. Have babysitting set up for the days I have D2. Felt great to play again. Great bunch of guys.

Her stuff is 99% compiled in the garage. After taxes and truck, I may suggest she come pick it up or send it to storage. She has no permanent residence so don't know where she'd put it but that really isn't my problem, is it?

All the flowery artwork is out of the house and replaced with more masculine or neutral stuff. Bedding is deep red; bought a TV and DVD player for the bedroom (also so D can watch her movies at bedtime) AViation art and some car models are in place of crystal/knick knacks. The house has clearly got my stamp on it.

Doing some pre-lawyer meeting stuff to gather docs and do some math to see if I can simply take over the house and cut her loose as part of the Sep Agreement.

Work is going well. Business is picking up and I should be comparitively "affluent" by Christmas. All good. Keep going!!

Spending more time with friends and family and even gaining a few extra friends. Not actively pursuing OW but nice to interact with those I meet. Can't say I'm interested in pursuing at all. That goes against who I am right now.

My medical check came back "better than expected" as there were NO issues at all. Not even a single "deficiency" in the tests. Doc was a little surprised there was nothing to even mention "to watch". Cholesterol, BP, ECG, testosterone were all "good or better". Surprised me, too. Given the last 6 months of stress.

It sounds odd (and I've had some people mention it, too) but I am beginning to feel like myself again. The new skin is getting comfortable and I'm actually enjoying myself most days. Certainly more optimistic and worry-free. Taking days "as they are" and not stressing out of "outcomes and expectations"applies to more than just my M. And it's really helping. I don'y "sweat the small stuff" anymore. I still don't like the off-weeks without D2 but sneaking in to see her at dayhome helps.

So where is my mindset? In the last week or so I have come to the realization that I need to mourn the loss of my M and my W. Neither will ever be the same. Neither will return-certainly not as they were. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want either back as they were. That's why I'm in this situation.

My M and W were what they were. It's now only a matter of framing them for memory and learning what I can from them.

How have I changed?
Happier with myself.
I accept and make room for my imperfections.
I allow for mistakes.
I make my priorities A PRIORITY!
I am comfortable with people as they are
"They are free to do whatever they wish with no feeling or action on my part UNTIL it affects me negatively"

It's a derivative of the old saying on rights "Your right to swing your arms extends as far as the tip of my nose"

I am in the place where time is mine. Every day without R or M or D talk is to my advantage. Every day without interaction with W is a good one in the perspective of detaching and letting her go. Just another day of focus on me.

the only thing I haven't figured out is what all the above says about me and my DB work. I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be. It comes down to this and I've said it before-
Is it working for me? Yes.
Is it busting the A or the D? No

I'm not going anywhere but I am in a clear enough place that I need to do something else:

I want to take this opportunity to thank-
Steady, Missherlove, Gritter, Lancesjan, Warrior, Tulsa, TH, Mach, PEI, Wonka and Ericm for their personal questions and guidance and support. And I thank you in advance for more in the future.

I want to thank SunnyD and FaithnAK for allowing me to talk my way clear in my mind by offering my assistance to their sitches. Letting me see you guys from "outside the forrest" helps me gain perspective on my own.

And I mustn't forget RobX, Greek, Sandi, Coach, and J3B for their experience and postings I have found EVERYWHERE on the board.

Special thanks for Ready2Change for compiling most of the "GOLD" in one place!!!

I'm gonna miss AllenA.

And this place will NEVER be the same without Puppy. He was one of the first to come to my aid and I know he sent up "The Bat Signal" on more than one occasion to get other "Enchanters" on my thread. Thank you, PDT!!

[PEI]

Hey buddy

My medical check came back "better than expected" as there were NO issues at all. Not even a single "deficiency" in the tests. Doc was a little surprised there was nothing to even mention "to watch". Cholesterol, BP, ECG, testosterone were all "good or better". Surprised me, too. Given the last 6 months of stress.

Doc mention the butts by any chance??? just sayin' ....

It sounds odd (and I've had some people mention it, too) but I am beginning to feel like myself again. The new skin is getting comfortable and I'm actually enjoying myself most days. Certainly more optimistic and worry-free. Taking days "as they are" and not stressing out of "outcomes and expectations"applies to more than just my M. And it's really helping. I don'y "sweat the small stuff" anymore. I still don't like the off-weeks without D2 but sneaking in to see her at dayhome helps.

So where is my mindset? In the last week or so I have come to the realization that I need to mourn the loss of my M and my W. Neither will ever be the same. Neither will return-certainly not as they were. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want either back as they were. That's why I'm in this situation.

Learning to not sweat the small stuff was no small feat for this (mostly)former control freak ... but it has changed my life.

One of the things I learned is that it is perfectly normal to grieve that which we no longer have, even if we don't want it back (at all or even just as it was). You are wise to allow yourself to move through the stages. Keep on truckin'...

the only thing I haven't figured out is what all the above says about me and my DB work. I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be. It comes down to this and I've said it before-
Is it working for me? Yes.
Is it busting the A or the D? No

You are exactly where you are supposed to be, wanna know how I know? Because we all are. It's that simple. This point in your journey is where you are supposed to be for whatever the reason is ... it just is. We are all told very early on that there are no guarentees when it comes to our marriages, and we are also told that if we do the work we will save ourselves. I believe it because I am living it. I'm now invested in the journey and less concerned with the destination. This is the gift of our sitchs, the "silver lining". And the bonus ... IF our spouses do their work, see us for who we really and truly are when the dust settles and we're wearing our new skin ... then MAYBE our marriages can be saved. It takes time ... and the beautiful twist ... it's then OUR choice to make. We will be emotionally healthy, whole people no longer in NEED ...

"Your right to swing your arms extends as far as the tip of my nose"

Love this! Reminds me of Puppy's Boundaries of Personal Integrity. Speaking of which ...

And this place will NEVER be the same without Puppy. He was one of the first to come to my aid and I know he sent up "The Bat Signal" on more than one occasion to get other "Enchanters" on my thread. Thank you, PDT!!

Ditto man. Ditto.

Hope you had a great time at hockey this morning!
Peace
PEI

[CD Bear]

Thanks, PEI.

I'm aware of the smoking. And I am going to do something about it. Thanks for the reminder.

It's that simple. This point in your journey is where you are supposed to be for whatever the reason is ... it just is. We are all told very early on that there are no guarentees when it comes to our marriages, and we are also told that if we do the work we will save ourselves.

Thanks for this. Oddly, last night I was struck by a thought that diturbs me a little. I was overcome with the feeling that maybe I'm not as different as I think I am. It's unnerving to doubt your own sincerity.
I'm gonna have to think about this some more. I may only be doubting how "ingrained' the changes are but it bothers me.

As I said, I'm feeling very unsure of myself and my 'position' at this time. This is why:

-I occasionally see old M behaviours pop back into my life
-I recognize "original CD" bhvrs that I now question whether I want again.

As you can see, I'm trying to review the original CD and "during M" bhvrs and put them into judgement based on my new learning-integrity, boundaries, priority of "my" needs, open communinication, better listening, "life goals', optimism, being "Real", etc.

Quite honestly, sometimes this all seems overwhelming. And at this stage, I'm unsure of myself and this calls into question my ability to make these decisions.

As usual, I'm probably over anayzing this but that's where I am right now.

[PEI]

I'm trying to review the original CD

Personally I like the idea of a Greatest Hits CD, you know the kind, where it includes all the best tunes from over the years with a few great new ones mixed in. No need to completely reinvent the wheel if ya know what I mean .

Quite honestly, sometimes this all seems overwhelming. And at this stage, I'm unsure of myself and this calls into question my ability to make these decisions.

As usual, I'm probably over anayzing this but that's where I am right now.

Good, it should feel overwhelming ... it's big stuff. It's ok to be unsure, all of these changes and evolutions take time to become natural. I found that I went from A to C ... then over a bit of time settled into B ... and I think this is closer to the real me than I've been in a very long time, maybe ever. Constantly evolving and growing, but true to me. If you question your ability to make decisions at any given time, then don't make 'em. Be still until you trust yourself, your motives, your reasons and your position. Then move forward again.

Who you? Over analyse? Can't imagine!

Hope the ice kicked your a$$ this morning!
Happy Thanksgiving!
PEI

[FaithnAK]

Personally I like the idea of a Greatest Hits CD, you know the kind, where it includes all the best tunes from over the years with a few great new ones mixed in.

I like this.

Thanks for this. Oddly, last night I was struck by a thought that diturbs me a little. I was overcome with the feeling that maybe I'm not as different as I think I am. It's unnerving to doubt your own sincerity.
I'm gonna have to think about this some more. I may only be doubting how "ingrained' the changes are but it bothers me.

You are in a way better place than you think you are. It's good to re-evaluate your part tho...make sure the changes are for you and making you happy with yourself. You will not continue to make progress without checking in on yourself every now and then.

My comment to you last night was to let you know that I FINALLY made it to the outside of my forest. Now when I turned around to see what I was in...I don't like what I see. Now it's time to work on me, nothing to blame my feelings on anymore. I too see how overwhelming it is...it is so overwhelming at times I just freeze in my tracks. I just need to push through.

You are doing good Friend, just keep working through the thoughts. You have a tremendous support group and you are not alone.

[SunnyD]

Well, I was already to post a good reply today but had a bit of a breakdown myself, unfortunately. SO... I WILL reply, but when I'm in a better mindset. Just know I'm thinking of you and wishing the best for you!

Don't want to make this about me, so I'll update my thread here soon.

You can't go wrong working on yourself, that's for sure!

[Truegritter]

Seedy Bare

ROTFLMFAO!

Found you CD and doing well from what I read.

Good for you.

Keep steppin' friend.

And

Pay it back. It helps you as you have already learned and You are closer than we who have been here a wee bit longer to those emotions/experiences of those who need it most.

[Savemymarr]

sorry to hijack this for the one question, but i presume then that Allen and Puppy amongst some of the others are now gone?

[CD Bear]

Yes, SaveMyMarr.

It is my understanding that AllenA and Puppy are both gone; banned.

[MHL]

It sounds odd (and I've had some people mention it, too) but I am beginning to feel like myself again. The new skin is getting comfortable and I'm actually enjoying myself most days. Certainly more optimistic and worry-free. Taking days "as they are" and not stressing out of "outcomes and expectations"applies to more than just my M. And it's really helping. I don'y "sweat the small stuff" anymore. I still don't like the off-weeks without D2 but sneaking in to see her at dayhome helps.

CD,
It is great to discover yourself again and getting back to the person that you liked being. The thing that is "odd" is that it is "odd". That is the whole crux of the matter isn't it really. It has been so long since we have felt like ourselves that we have gotten "used to it".

It is hard to remove the definition of who we are within the context of our marriages, because for far too long the marriage "defined" who we were.

You used to be a "husband" that likes to play the drums......

Now

You are someone who likes to play the drums and happens to be married. (yes, you are still married)

That is not to say that playing the drums is more important than the marriage but YOU define YOU within the M.

Our spouses suffer from the same affliction/mistakes but instead of looking inward to find that "definition" they are still looking outward to someone else's definition of who they are. That is why most affairs fall apart b/c eventually they realize that they that the other person "idea" of who they are really isn't that important or meaningful.

the only thing I haven't figured out is what all the above says about me and my DB work. I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be. It comes down to this and I've said it before-
Is it working for me? Yes.
Is it busting the A or the D? No

You are right where you are supposed to be and doing the things you are supposed to be doing. What is changing for you is the "Why" you are doing these things.

CD, when you came here your actions were solely focused on saving your marriage and busting up the affair. Then you moved into getting yourself in order, the "working on you" and again the purpose was to save your marriage.

You are still working on you but you are doing these things for YOU now, and while you want or desire to save your marriage that is secondary to saving yourself first.

Oddly, last night I was struck by a thought that diturbs me a little. I was overcome with the feeling that maybe I'm not as different as I think I am. It's unnerving to doubt your own sincerity.
I'm gonna have to think about this some more. I may only be doubting how "ingrained' the changes are but it bothers me.

This is great right here ^^^^^. This where you are working on making the changes permanent. Go easy on yourself CD…..remember this stuff takes TIME.

You are a quick on the uptake but some of this takes a long time to become part of who we are. Allow yourself that time.

Good to see your post.

Hopefully that trip to the more southern latitudes next week will help things…..