You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ImprovedRomeo]

I agree with Drew on the homework thing. I think you should have a dialoge with your STBXW and tell her what you expect from her in regard to the kid's homework etc.

STBXW and I have usually been able to work together when it comes to DD despite the craziest sh*t she pulls on me. However, I will ALWAYS stand for DD no matter what- and STBXW knows it. I will not let this D crap affect my DD's life anymore than it will on its own. I want DD to come out of this as unscathed as possible because it's not the kids' fault and if our STBXWs won't care for our kids then we will be there to protect them, be their advocate and be their caregivers.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I should have gone to the conference with STBXW and when I realized (which I already knew) that the missing assignments were on her watch I should have right there said something like, "boy, you're a lousy mother. How could you let our daughter fail like that? What the hell is wrong with you. Get your act together."

It does get dicy whenever you have to tell another adult they need to do things better. I deal with it too.

You did the right thing by not speaking your mind...it's always better to take your time and say things in the most effective manner rather than saying what comes to mind first.

[Drew]

So, Drew, judging by what you put out there, I should have gone to the conference with STBXW and when I realized (which I already knew) that the missing assignments were on her watch I should have right there said something like, "boy, you're a lousy mother. How could you let our daughter fail like that? What the hell is wrong with you. Get your act together."

That sounds like good advice.

Don't put words in my mouth. I said address it.

I'm done posting to you.

I wish you well.

[ClingingToHope]

I am not saying I won't, I've never said I won't. I am saying I am limited in exactly what I can do. I can really only control what happens on my time.

I know STBXW cares about the girls and their school work. When I heard that D11 was missing assignments I knew it was not going to make for a pleasant life for her at the house.

[ClingingToHope]

Side note, I don't know how the house affects me either way. I'm still on the mortgage. We owe too much for her to refinance it and she can't drop the price so it'll sell. So I don't know what's next there.

Interestingly, I called Lowe's to find out how much is owed on that card. It was the one I didn't cancel when I moved out. Honestly, I forgot about it. I hadn't used it in two years.

Well, she ran up $3,800 in charges in 10 months on it, including buying a $2,000 swing set I told her was unnecessary and the girls wouldn't use it -- and they don't. I've been worried about it for a long time. If she went bankrupt, Lowe's would come after me for it.

But they looked up the account and it has a zero balance. That's interesting. Either her mom bailed her out, she took out a loan or she got another card and transferred it on to there.

In any case, I canceled the card. I also checked Target -- we used to have a joint account there -- and those are all closed.

[mishka422]

Well, that's a plus that the accounts are closed. Less worry for you.

Addressing the homework issue, it's not necessary to be confrontational about them not doing the homework with her. But getting together to formulate a strategy for reward and punishment is in order IMO.

If I can make a suggestion? Could you possibly inform her (without telling her what to do) that students who are in music classes do better overall in school? There are numerous studies to back that up...you could link an article or two for her. It's not the proper thing to take away from your daughter especially when it is not necessarily the reason for not getting her homework done.

The punishment needs to fit the crime.

What is it that your D11 is doing when she gets back to her mom's house that is distracting her from her homework? Whatever that is needs to go until she develops a good habit of completing her work.

Just ideas. All of this is going to come down to you actually speaking to your STBXW. There is no option here unless you don't care if your girls struggle their way through school. It takes two very involved parents, 100% of the time to get kids through school these days. The work is overwhelming.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, in the end, I'm doubting STBXW will take away band. She threatened her with it and D11 loves band -- she just started -- so I'm guessing she'll get her act together.

I've sent STBXW a couple of emails on other stuff -- scheduling things -- and I'm leaving for Chicago to work for the weekend. I'm the one who wants to deal by email so if there's nothing in my inbox on Sunday night when I get back I'll put together a note about what I heard at the conferences and ask her how she's dealing with D11 on the math issue.

Your last line is a key. The work IS overwhelming. But she wanted it this way. When you say it takes two very involved parents 100% of the time to get kids through school these days, I agree with that. But I only have them 35% of the nights and STBXW doesn't want me there at night. That's where I'm limited.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh, Mishka, the reason band is in play is because D11 misses parts of math class for band practice. I asked the math teacher if there are times to make up what she's missed. He said he allows students to come in during lunch and recess and D11 has yet to do that.

[mishka422]

Oh my.....then that is a problem! I can't believe they remove part of an academic class for an extra curricular. Not smart on their part. Of course, it is up to her to make up that work if she feels band is important to her. Hmmmmmmmm.....what to do.

Of course, you know that STBXW threatening and not following through is BAD BAD BAD. No way to correct that but make sure you don't follow suit because it's easier. The punishment must fit the crime, right?

Have a great weekend in Chicago!

[ClingingToHope]

Got an email from STBXW late Friday. It was about nine paragraphs on D11's conference and her math issues and just one paragraph on D8.

Turns out D11 didn't sign five of her assignments. They went through a stack of unsigned and she's going to get credit for them. D11 is going to go to makeup math sessions the teacher has during recess.

So I responded with just one paragraph on D11, saying I talked to the math as well.

I spent the rest of my email talking about D8 and how the teachers and social workers had no idea her history of having full-time aides assigned to her and having the option of doing work in different classrooms.

Again, the teachers did not read the IEP or really have any kind of plan of action when it comes to D8.

In the end, I'm happy with how this all worked. I enjoyed talking to both teachers without having to worry about STBXW's reactions. D11's teacher and I talked about D11's writing. She used to love to write. Now, she's below standards when she is above in reading and math. They have a novel writing project starting in November and she thinks I should work with her or really emphasize it.

D8's teachers have a much better understanding of D8 and her issues and her history. I still would like to hold her back a year, even if she squeaks through another grade. And that even could cost me, right? When she's 18 and out of high school child support ends. I'm willing to pay an additional year for her to actually be ahead in her grade instead of constantly battling to keep up.

Anyway, I'm in Chicago and still fighting a cold. We only were downtown for about 90 minutes today and there was nothing to do. So we've been sitting in our hotel watching football all day.

I'll make up for it tomorrow. We start at 2 a.m.

Right now, every dime at these second and third jobs goes towards keeping my head above water. It'll be nice after the divorce settlement to pay some things off and then the money from these jobs can go towards saving for next summer break.

I keep wondering about what Mishka said, that civil settlements are hard to collect. I looked online. Since STBXW has a steady job I can sue to have her pay garnished. I doubt it'll come to that. I think she'll pony up, even if she has to borrow from her mom.