My H and I were together 5 yrs and have been married 5 months. We were each other's best friend, confiding, and sharing everything. I loved it. Over the past year, I had lots of added stress in my life and my mom had been in and out of the hospital suffering from anorexia. I took it all out on my H. I would gripe, complain, tear him down, etc. over some of the most insignificant things. It was terrible. He told me a few weeks b4 we got married that if this was how things were going to be, he didn't want to get married. I told him it was just stress of school, family, job, and wedding plans all at once. After the wedding, I didn't try to be better. Some days he let it go, others we would fight. In August, the week of my birthday (married 3months) he dropped the D word on me. Said he didn't want to be with me anymore. It was eye opening. I finally realized how horrible I had been, couldn't believe I could treat the person that meant the most to me that way. I apologized, took full responsibility for how I had been, and wanted to work on things. He said the damage was done. I stayed there but he would come in from work and play the same online game from the time he got home until he would fall asleep on the couch in front of the screen. There was very little conversation. He told me he wanted a D but would tell me b4 he talked to a L. I told him I would stay and try to make the most of everyday with him and maybe he would see that I was changed. Even though there was hardly any conversation between us, it seem my presence was making things worse. Some days we could laugh @ something stupid on TV, but he would immediately say something to try and push me away right after. Knowing how he deals with things, I thought if I gave him time alone he would get past it and he had mentioned me moving out anyway. I left on the hopes that with some time apart, he could move past things, i would move back and we could work on our marriage. I only took my clothes so he wouldn't think I was gone for good. I have been gone two and a half weeks today. We have talked or texted about something nearly every day I have been gone. I have seen him about six times in person for less than an hour each time in the time I have been gone. After the first week, a friend that has been having problems with his wife (she cheated on him), left his wife and moved in with H. I have been staying with my mom at her apartment. He and his friend are enjoying staying together while I'm miserable. I got married because I loved him and wanted to be with him. He said today that it didn't make a difference to him if we gave things more time or if he talked to a lawyer. After so much history together and being thru so much, why is it so easy for him? I know I was terrible but the first year adapting to things and moving in together is suppose to be the hardest and I want so badly to move past all of this. My entire attitude has changed from this experience. I am much more positive about things and don't flip out over small things. I try to stay hopeful for our situation, and most times I am. Some days he seems like time might help. But today didn't go well at all. I want to give him all the time he needs but if he doesn't think its going to help, why are we doing it? He doesn't want a relationship with me or for me to move back in but I'm holding on to maybe someday he will. . . .but I can't help but feel like he is already giving up on us for good
Last edited by impatientwaiting; 10/09/1007:35 PM.
Hi impatient! Welcome to divorcebusting.com. You will find a lot of support here and have lots of information at your fingertips to work on solutions. Focus on the positive. Focus on the actions.....NOT his words. Do not be reactive.
My first recommendation would be to call a DB Coach. All of Michele's coaches have the appropriate education, have been in the business for a long time, are committed to marriage and have been married for a long them themselves. PLUS...they are trained by Michele.
Second...build the positives and don't be discouraged by a bad day. You can do this.
You do have a new twis on the friend moving in, but you should jump at any opportunity to move back in.....unless your coach tells you differently.
If you've behaved badly in the past, it takes enough time time prove that you won't do that again. And you must not do that again.....work on alternatives. Do some solution detecting with yourself...what causes you to behave badly...what are some alternatives for you?
Hang in there. Listen to folks who are success stories on the board. Read Divorce Remedy.....and/or get Keeping Love Alive. That personally changed my dbing....
sandi2 and brandnewday and saffie are the female success stories that come to my mind immediately. And they've been successful for a long time. Seek them out.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hi impatient. Welcome. You joined a couple days before me, so we're at about the same place. I won't offer you too much advice but one thing I can recommend is just journaling everything you think happened. People here are veyr supportive. Listen to their advice. Also, you can create a signature with your stats. It is helpful to get an idea where you are coming from.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
Unsure the important thing is to follow the steps in divorce remedy by michelle. Don't do a thing until you've read the book. Very important is to start concentrating on making yourself happy. What makes you feel good? Massages, working out, movies with women friends... Make you as happy as you can be and always be happy when you talk to your H. Think about how you can be different than you have been. Do you call him and text him hoping for connection? Stop and don't text. Anything you can do differently do. The solution won't take hold overnight. These things take time. Someone on these boards once said one month of dbing for every year you were together. Take it to heart. Take one day at a time and breathe.
You have walked out and so for your H the tension has gone away and now he has a mate staying with him who he can have a laugh with...............hm...........seems to me that although that is giving your H some down time from the tension and how things were, it is also giving him some distraction from it.
You have 'owned' what you did wrong and all you can do now is prove to your H that what you are saying about changing is true. He needs to SEE that, not just hear it. That is hard to do if he doesn't see you much.
What I would say is don't give up too soon - this all took a while to come to a head - your H told you how he felt BEFORE you got married and yet it continued until it got too much for him; he needs time to see the changes.
We all tend to treat the ones closest to us the worst when we are stressed. We expect them to understand and roll with it - but they are human too and in all likely hood they hurt from seeing us hurt because of what we are going through, ( with your mother etc.). and then they get hurt again when we lash out at them.
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He said today that it didn't make a difference to him if we gave things more time or if he talked to a lawyer.
In that case say you want more time - you need time to let him see you mean what you say. That aside - couples that do divorce do reconcile too- divorce is not always the end of the road.
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After so much history together and being thru so much, why is it so easy for him?
I don't expect it is easy for him BUT maybe he just thinks that it is easier to take the pain now before you become even further embroiled with one another and start a family and the such like.
Personally, I think if you really are able to behave in a better way you would be in a more advantageous position if you were back with your H. The reason for this is two fold - you let your H see your changes, (and his friend if he is still there - he may tell your H he is crazy to want to D you!!!), and it will stop this friend who has moved in turning into a permanent lodger and helping your H cope without you, as presumably this friend is offering both emotional and financial help to your H.
Have you read the thread in infidelity about Retrouvaille? I know there is no infidelity in your sitch, but retrouvaille is about teaching couples communication. It is not just for couples who have had infidelity in their M's by any means. You might do well to ask your H to try a weekend like that with you just to see whether your M stands a chance at all. It will teach you both good communication skills for life; it really makes one think about HOW you interact with your H/W. You could ask him what one weekend would be compared to not knowing perhaps later on in life if you had made the right choice.
Hopefully the link I have posted above will take you too that thread.
Situations like this are a roller coaster and I am sure your H is up and down about it all too, even though he may seem to put on a consistent front to you.
I am so sorry you are here, but don't give up; it's very early days.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Unsure, you need to GAL. Read DR. Become a student of this stuff.
I will add a personal touch to this (which Pinhead may agree with) but your H is knee deep in an online game. This is pretty detrimental to a R. Since he is spending ALL of his free time playing his game, he's oblivous to his surroundings. Also, he's oblivious to what you are doing to win him back. He won't see it.
What he might see is that you're moving on, getting on with your life, with or without him. He's probably going to think you're moving on without him. As men, there is some primal instinct in all of us no matter how angry, upset, or apathetic we are - he's going to want to lay claim to you as a H possibly.
You can't make him feel that. He can only do that himself. But, if you want a chance at saving your M, you need to let him go COMPLETELY. You need to move on, do things for yourself, and he may or may not notice especially with his online activity. That's OK - you'll be better in the end regardless.
You're in a very crucial state right now. It is absolutely CRITICAL that you let him go now before any more damage is done. The sooner you let him go, the more chance you're going to have to save your M. Trust me, I wish I would have let go a whole lot sooner myself.
You'll be OK. You're strong despite what you feel right now. You're a good person for wanting to make this work. But, you can't make him feel anything.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I'd be interested to know if he was still playing the online game now he has a room mate he has no conflict with - maybe it was just an anti-avoidance tool for him?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Freema, Thanks for the advice. You were exactly right. I find things to text him about so there is some type of connection between us. I need to just leave him alone unless he initiates conversation. He has called me before to have me come over and fool around and we did. But with the way things are, I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue that and don’t see myself doing it again. And I really like your idea for a massage. . . .I’ve never had one before and I think now is a PERFECT time to try it out.
Saffie, When I am around, he seems like he tries to pick out things. For example, today when I got upset with something he said and just simply said something innocent like “that’s not right” or something I would normally say, he tried to pick it apart to be the same way I was. I told him that I wasn’t griping or yelling at him, that I just disagreed was all. And he said this is why I don’t want to be with you, because of this b*thing you do. But he has good days and bad days, this was just a bad day. I wasn’t cheery when I went over there either though. Thanks for the link, I will check out that post. I mentioned the idea of me moving back in before he makes an ultimate decision to him a day ago and his response was that if he wasn’t over what I did, he didn’t want me to move back in. I have hurt him and unless he forgives and moves past it, he will never let me back in to his life. That’s just how he is and I have to try to prove myself within those limitations. When I see him to pick up my mail or get more clothes (since its getting cold) I will try to show my changes as much as possible. We do have plans to go to a NFL game in November that I had gotten tickets for before all of this came to pass, so that will be another opportunity.
