Change is in the air........

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks Mila, Eric, MHL, Jack, CW, Rabbit, and Punkin for your feedback and support! Autumn always makes me feel like cocooning, so I have been missing H/XH more than normal lately. In my sitch I feel like XH is closer than he has ever been since before the bomb. Yet I now know that 2 or 3 barriers are still in the way, and I don't know if XH is capable of overcoming those. Trying to keep busy.

I'm proud to report that my table tennis coach thinks I can play well enough to join a novice table tennis league!!! My coach says he will give me a high handicap so that people will play with me. I've never done anything like this, so this will be fun! My first night is monday.........Funny thing is, I mentioned my coach's table tennis league to XH a couple weeks ago and I could see that he was VERY interested.........probably wanted to play (he has played in racquetball leagues in the past), so when I told XH a few days ago that I would start playing in a league next week, he was very interested and supportive. I didn't offer for XH to join the league because that is MY thing. This will be a good way for me to meet new people. XH will no doubt be checking up on me to find out how I did on monday.

Update on the CSI mystery:
--BMF's X-GF gave me 5 more samples of BMF's handwriting. There appear to be a lot of similarities with the writing in the anonymous package
--Yesterday I ordered kits to test the chocolate material for marijuana, methamphetamine, and cocaine. They should arrive early next week.
--XH didn't get a sample of BMF's fingerprints thursday night. He couldn't find an opportunity....I suspect he has mixed feelings about this too.

I am going to have to get my D13 to read up on your sitch with all this investigative analysis going on, she is a CSI, Law and Order, NCIS junkie.

MHL,.........FUNNY!!!!!!! Perhaps your D13 could recommend additional tests that I should have done??????? Seriously, MHL, I ordered the forensic testing kits from: http://store.sirchie.com/. They have a lot of stuff in their catalog. You might be able to find really cool Christmas gifts for D13 in here.

(longer than just a perfunctory hug)

Hey, watch your language, young lady......LOL.

MHL, this made me LAUGH! You've been hanging around with Eric too long. I wrote "perfunctory"......not "perfuctory". Sheesh!!!

I wanted to ask you....did you ever feel anger and resentment towards your H after the bomb and through the divorce? If so, how did you deal with it?

Mila, I would say that I had/have more frustration than anger and resentment toward H/XH. I have a degree in neuroscience so when H dropped the bomb, one of the things I did was read everything (research-based) that I could get my hands on that talked about the role of brain circuits and neurochemistry in emotion and the effect of childhood trauma on those things. I know intellectually that H/XH's childhood trauma caused his brain to be wired differently, and once Jody confirmed that XH is in MLC, the rest of the pieces fell into place (i.e. brain changes also occur with depression). The sources I read about this include David Schnarch's "Intimacy and Desire", Louis Cozolino's "The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain" and "The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain", Daniel Amen's "The Brain in Love", and the Charlie Rose show's brain series (www.charlierose.com/view/collection/10702).

Jack, thanks for your feedback. I understand that it doesn't help much to focus on timelines. I was just passing along what Jody told me.

frustrating that it seems so close and yet so far!

Rabbit, you summed up exactly how I feel these days.

My question: Does it make you feel threatened, or just angry, or just merely curious?

Punkin, I feel that I have an opportunity to provide XH evidence that BMF is jealous of my R with H/XH, even though our contact is very limited right now. If the evidence shows that BMF sent the package, XH would see that BMF lies to him the same way he lies to others. In my situation BMF has been a major barrier. When I talked to Jody about this last week I asked "Why would XH initiate recreational outings with me all summer even though he was dating OW#2 throughout this time?" Jody said, "XH moved closer to you because BMF was out of the picture". She isn't usually this blunt, and this confirmed the nagging feeling I've had about BMF for years. This is the closest I've gotten to wanting revenge. I know that I need to keep that emotion in check. It clouds judgement.

GAG