Turning over a new leaf - GAL!

[lovehurts]

So this has been a great few weeks of changes for me and my sitch.

I had been using a 3rd party for drop offs for our S4. I believe this was a good choice. When this all first went down, naturally, I was a basket case. I am in a better place. Stronger. So this week, I decided to have him start dropping S off at our house. I still don't want a verbal exchange. We are using a website called COZI to communicate about S. It's working well.

I did tell him that I wanted him to come to S birthday party next month and bring his brothers. S16, S12. I sent him a VERY civil message. Actually all of the messages have been civil but I changed the tone a bit to slightly more friendly. Before that, he was clearly getting extremely angry at me, accusing me of setting our S up for disappointment, dictating his parently style, not consulting him on the schedule for our S, etc. He's really pushing for me to communicate personally with me but A). I don't think I'm ready for it B). I believe it's something OW is pushing him to do to bait me in to confrontation.

I let him know there were several things that he posted that I didn't agree with but this exchange was getting us nowhere. I did explain a few things but then I came right out and asked what he wanted the schedule to be. His response back was EXTREMELY positive.

I know I should stop reading his emails to OW but I have to say, this week has been extremely helpful and I don't regret doing it. She has been out of the country so email was the only way they had to communicate. I got to see a million "I love you's" "you are my soulmate" etc. from both of them. What I saw was our exchanges 12 years ago. This is his pattern to a T. I remember how strong our love was when it was new and I know that's what I'm fighting against right now. I also learned more about people in my life that are taking information I've given them directly to him. I know who not to trust anymore. The other thing I saw, was the second our correspondence became civil, OW got VERY upset. She has major conflict with her H (D is almost final) and I believe she wants WH to have that same R with me. WH is a very non-confrontational person. He wants peace. She is encouraging him to go outside of his comfort zone and I don't think he will put up with that if I'm being civil. I am hoping this puts some added stress to their R. The emails have stopped because she is on a plane back home and I doubt they will continue because they use skype to communicate. (it wouldn't work this past week while she was traveling) I really am trying to stop monitoring the email because I know it's not healthy.

As for GAL - I'm doing a lot with friends and family, getting my house in order and focusing on my emotional and physical well being. I'm looking for advice on how to continue down this healthy path. I'm still having a hard time eating. In 4 months I've went from a comfortable 8 to a size 4.

I'm assessing what went wrong in the M. I believe I know where I was to blame. I worked too much. Not an option for me anymore because I'm now a single mom. But I've also shared with my boss that this was part of the reason I'm a single mom. They have encouraged me at work to only be there 40 hours and seem to be fairly understanding about the things that are slipping through the cracks. I was emotionally unavailable. I was hurt by his reaction to our surprise pregnancy and never fully recovered from that. As a result, I also became physically unavailable. Another issue that drove him crazy was my lateness. After 38 years, it's a hard habit to break but I'm really trying. I am also a fairly disorganized person. I've been researching some things online and I'm pretty certain I have ADD. I answered "yes" to nearly every question on the online questionnaires. I am seeking help from my doctor on this. I am open to medication. I also think this will help me with a lot of other aspects of my life, helping me to get it in order.

I'm open to other things I can do that might help GAL.