LBS Living...

[irishblessings]

Today I am struggling...
H texted me saying he wanted to come over and look for paperwork. I asked him to let me find it for him and to please not come here.
He said "I'm trading in the car and I need the title"
I said - "I will try to find it and text you - please do not come here"
He waits and then texts "Never mind I've ordered another title"
I reply "I've been looking for it the entire time and can't find it"
He texts "thanks for trying"

Benign - yes. And I know that everyone says that I need to present as if I am strong and capable, etc. But I cannot see him right now. I am not healed and I spend every minute of every day trying to pretend I am. I go to work - I keep the house and the family going - but when I am alone (which is quite a bit these days) I can't seem to get over the sadness, hurt at what has happened - nor can I move myself beyond the comparisons to OW. I don't even know who she is - but she is in his arms and I am not. The losses keep piling up and as the kids move forward and he moves on I am alone. When will I get to the place where I won't feel this any longer? Why do I keep asking if I deserved this somehow? Why do I feel like I am the crazy one and he is sane? Why do I avoid taking care of myself - why don't I think I am worth it? Why won't I just give up, give in, let go, - why do I keep pushing myself - why am I so hard on myself - why don't I feel worthy? Why am I so tired - why do I feel guilty for everything - why do I think he is wrong? Why do I believe we had a wonderful friendship - something really special that everyone saw? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why will he never consider coming home? Why has he done a 180? Why does he shun religion? Why can't I get angry - REALLY angry? What will my life look like? Will I be alone if I stand? Am I pathetic, foolish, a doormat?

I'm having a tough day...