Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

LOL, i meant "I'm not SURE my husband will change..."

But yeah, I know. Seems pretty twisted on her part that it's all up to me to change given her past behaviors. But, that's how she feels. She thinks I'll do the same behaviors that "drove" her to have EA's.

Again, I know it seems very apparent to all of us here who needs to rebuild trust - but through all of this if there's anything I've learned how to do, it's listen. That's what she is saying and feeling.

[Steve McQueen]

I can tell you why I would want protection if I was her:

you are not her, bud, and you are over analyzing a fried out situation.

[john28]

I can tell you why I would want protection if I was her:

you are not her, bud, and you are over analyzing a fried out situation.

Extra crispy, my friend.

But I'd GLADLY take a sandwich to go

[TimeHeals]

You're a pretty young guy, and she's a pretty young woman, so I'll cut you guys some slack, but this whole business is just a little... ummm ... err "unevolved".

I share my opinion pretty freely, but I don't share my beliefs that often, and I'm going to share one of them learned from a life time of bad choices: people with high integrity don't cheat, and they don't start dating until the divorce is final.

That's not too popular here. There are a lot of folks here whose spouses are cheating on them, have moved out, their divorce is in process, so they figure they will date, in part to "rebuild" their "self-esteem", but I believe this is all about their ego, and your ego is always going to be insecure (always), but the good news is that your ego (the part of you that is always thinking about the future and the past) is not YOU.

Likewise, you are more than your emotions which are very primal and which can feed your ego's insecurity, and then your ego can feed your emotions, and you can get into this compulsive downward spiral if you act on your emotions or confuse your whole indentity with your ego or your emotions.

This is why a set of more universal principles is a good thing to have: acting on your emotions or every fearful imagining or every regret is not a good way to conduct yourself, and people with HIGH integrity, good self-control, and who are confident tend to not date people with lower integrity, poorer self-control, and low self-esteem.

I really believe that. I believe if you have a good set of core principles and use those as your guide instead of acting on (often maladaptive) emotional patterns and every fear your mind can imagine and take time to appreciate the good things in life, your life will improve along with the people who are in it.

[john28]

Just a quick update, I made another appointment for mediation next week. W asked me a few days ago if I would, so I made one ASAP next week.... trying to head further down this road and push for the S and possible D because everything else I've done hasn't worked, and pushing towards it seems to work (just like MWD says).

Going to let her her know that I scheduled it and give her the date/time.

After her wakeup call in mediation this week concerning alimony and child custody I know that she isn't in a hurry to get mediation done at this point. I'm going to make it a point to get it done ASAP - hell, it's what she wanted.

I've been feeling a little weird over the past two days. I really really really am starting to detach. The past two nights I've had dreams of my HS sweetheart that I dated for 3 years whom I haven't spoken to in nearly 8 years. It like this stupid fantasy or something in my dreams - probably what my W experienced during her EA. I wake up in the morning feeling detached from my W after having these dreams.

Now I know how she must have felt for months. I feel really guilty about having these dreams and living out that little fantasy inside of them, always trying to go back to sleep asking for more of that fantasy to escape this wretched life I'm in right now. Wow, I think I know how she felt all that time now. No wonder I'm pushing harder for this legal S.

[john28]

Just when I was doing so well I backslid a bit. She asked me out to dinner last night after she got off work and she said that her uncle lost his job (who she's staying with) so she was really worried about where she was going to live and didn't want to be there while he didn't have a job.

I look back on it now and see it was a test that I failed. I opened up myself and told her that it might be possible she comes back home.... ugh. Major backslide, big one. She replied that she wasn't going to come home anytime in the future because she didn't trust me and she wanted to get this legal S, etc.

I know, backslide. I'm beating myself up over it. After that small backslide I did more of the same, told her that we were going to go into major debt with her moving out. Big mistake, night didn't end well.

I failed the test. I got upset in front of her too, which sucks. I was doing pretty well and felt in control but she tested me and I failed again.

Oh well, I can't go back and get a re-do. Just have to keep moving forward.

[Lostinlife]

I share my opinion pretty freely, but I don't share my beliefs that often, and I'm going to share one of them learned from a life time of bad choices: people with high integrity don't cheat, and they don't start dating until the divorce is final.

I agree with this statement.

[konfuseeed]

After that small backslide I did more of the same, told her that we were going to go into major debt with her moving out.

Why are "WE" going to go into debt if SHE moves out?

[pinhead]

After that small backslide I did more of the same, told her that we were going to go into major debt with her moving out.

Why are "WE" going to go into debt if SHE moves out?

Exactly! Separate your finances, John! Don't pay for her to leave you...

[Steve McQueen]

you need to re-read divorce busting. you are not following any of MWD's advice.