My sitch is very long, so you all might not know, but I have dumped her twice before. The first time was last December. Her A with OM had collapsed, and she came sniffing around, angry, totally lacking respect and remorse, and acting like I should be thankful she's giving me scraps. I soundly rejected her. She got extremely angry, gave me all sorts of "Now it's really over" crap, but I held firm. I barely spoke to her for almost six months. I did go out and date, I did have a ball. She absolutely did think she lost me. Even I thought maybe I was done with her. I was giving her nothing.
Future, I just went back and read ALL of your last December's posts. You are re-writing history in your mind. What you think happened and what really happened are not the same. You never dumped her. You never SOUNDLY rejected her. Not from the posts I read last December. You bought her a Christmas present, you bought her champagne for New Years and you sent her emails like this:
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my W doesn't regret her affair [Re: Gnosis]
futureunknown Member
Registered: 11/29/08 Posts: 925 I am pathetic. It's only been a week, and I'm starting to think I should reach back to her. I am embarassed to admit it here, but I'd rather do it here than do something stupid. Here are the thoughts I've been having this morning. Please give me 2x4's as necessary.
I finally laid out a clear boundary, that I would move on if she remained in her A with OM. She stalled for a couple months, forcing me to nail her down before Thanksgiving, but then she did tell me her A was over, so she obviously didn't want me to move on. I was hurt that she said it so begrudgingly, and that she still took some shots at our M in the process. This year has been so hard, I was so emotionally exhausted that I had nothing left to handle her ambivalent attitude over the whole thing. Inside I knew I should give her a couple months to start to heal from it before I made another move, I even told one of my friends that's what I was going to do, but after she acted so bitchy and distant on Thanksgiving and afterwards, I snapped. I wanted to take control of my life, so I sent her the e-mail. I wanted HER to be in crisis for a change. Why couldn't I just see my plan (waiting a couple months) as being in control of my life?
Now what I'm thinking is that I should talk to her face to face, tell her that sending her the e-mail was not an appropriate way to convey to her how I was feeling, that it was disrespectful and she deserved better. However, tell her that what I said in the e-mail is how I feel, that I can't be in limbo any more. I am usually able to disarm her with a kind attitude. She knows she hurt me terribly, and she is hurting over all this too, so I think a kind compassionate attitude will go a long way.
Assuming I can disarm her, then I'll ask her straight out "Do you want a divorce?" When she says "I don't know" which she almost certainly will, I'll strongly say "That is not an acceptable answer. Do you want a divorce?" If she says yes, then say "Then let's just get this done so we can both move on." If she says no, then say "So what are you going to do about it?" If she says "I don't know" I again say "Not an acceptable answer. What are you going to do about it?" Then wait and see what she says.
Notice I don't ever change my position in the above, I just disarm the negative emotions and request more information from her. Of course she will infer from my whole demeanor that the door isn't quite as shut as my e-mail said it was, but I think she'll understand that I'm at the end of my rope.
OR
I can just continue along the path I'm on, stay extremely distant, pursue the separation, and see if she reaches back to me.
Ok, whack away!
That is NOT dumping a woman.
And this:
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Ok, again I'm weak. Again I'm worried I've pushed her away for good. Is she just so good at playing this game? Didn't sound like a game on the phone. She sounded sad, but accepting of the situation. How can SHE be the one who's heartbroken? This is crazy! Is she really putting this on me, that I'm the one who ended our M?
I want to call her back and say "W, don't put this on me. You're the one who had the A and moved out. You're the one who ended our M. I just refused to live in limbo any more. If you wanted to save our M, I made it clear I was open to it. I was looking forward to having fun with you, but you never once showed me in any way that's what you wanted. Just the opposite in fact. Offering that to you after what I've been through took enormous courage, and my offer was met with ambivalence and apathy."
Nowhere is that dumping a woman. You are changing history. You are only lying to yourself. You really need to stop lying to yourself. You are not fooling me,(maybe some others on here who don't want to hurt you) only yourself. Telling us you dumped her when that is not what happened is part of the reason you are still here going on what? three years. Shame on you.
Snapping at a wayward and writing them an angry nasty message sounding like you are done is NOT dumping them. This again is only fooling yourself. I recommend you get HONEST with yourself here.
