Finding My Way

[Mystik]

I am torn about what to do in regards to the filing. I want it known that the reason the marriage didn't work out is because of Whore. But really, in the long run does it matter? Counterfiling with adultery will drag out the process, cost me money that I don't have to spend and increase H's animosity towards me. And in the end, I'll still be divorced and miserable.

It hurts so bad to know that H is so eager to get free of me. It hurts that he chose Whore over me, his wife, the one he married, intending it to be forever. I miss him so much. I miss being able to talk to him about anything and everything. I miss him e-mailing or texting me randomly for no important reason other than to just make contact. I miss the day to day sharing of a life and a home. I often find myself on evenings and weekends wondering what H is doing. I hate what Whore has done to my family, to my relationship with H. I hate that she stole from me the option of giving H a second child. I know that if he files for divorce that really it won't change anything but I still dread getting that document. It's kind of like a marriage license. You think "Oh, it's just a piece of paper" but it really does change things.

I know that for some reason God has allowed this to happen to me, to us. But I don't understand why He did. Right now all I can see happening is I am hurt beyond repair and become bitter and cynical, all the while pining away for H. Right now the future looks so bleak and hopeless. I'm trying my damnedest to hang on to that hope, that promise I felt God made to me the night I was praying and He answered. I need to stop being such a control freak and trust in Him. But oh how I hate not knowing what is going to happen for H and I down the road.