I am in total agreement with the above. just completed Retrouvaille, and if i had not been able to say the past is past and move towards the idea of forgiveness then my M would be over right now. could not have gone thru Retrouvaille otherwise actually. after the many hours together over the w/e, i looked into her eyes and knew it wasnt over. then again, i suspected that before the w/e. the clincher was when she came to the same conclusion, however provisional it may be right now.
hard when u have friends and family who know but ultimately dont give one shat what they think. doing what u think is right can be lonely sometimes. but u cannot let that lead u astray from the path of forgiveness and righteousness.
forgiveness IS a gift: to yourself as well as to your spouse. i would hope a time comes when your H or W realizes the mistake they made when they did what they did. there are hints in my W's behavior which would make me think so. saw a small piece of her writing in her notebook at Retrouvaille where she asked "how can he forgive me? it is a big sin, one of the ten commandments." yes. I can do it.
she still has my heart, and I can hope we will be able to find a way to rekindle the fire between us and lay the foundation for a new marriage. my hope for the future is to renew our vows, maybe even marry her again. dreamer i guess.
do i completely trust my W? hmmm, mostly but not blindly. today for example she was at a friend's house for a couple of hours. i started to head out and saw her car coming towards me as i was driving away. she asked me where was i going? told her out. i did end up telling her that i "felt worried, uneasy, unsure." wouldve never been able to do that before. my problem was holding on to my feelings. no more. W smiled wistfully and told me not to worry. hugged me. hopefully a good sign bc it has been one month since exposure. W most def has to be in withdrawal or coming to ends of the acute stage of it.
do i love her? yes.
am i committed to her, our M and our family? yes.
and Cyrena, my wife was also abused sexually as a child at the hands of her father. she has always said she was over it, but dont believe it. dont think she has forgiven him (yet). the biggest moment early on in our R was when she told me about it. i have always supported her and tried to protect her. it did not change how i feel or felt about her (nor should it have). i have always wondered about the influence of the abuse on our current sitch.
and as for the OM2? hmmm, not sure if i forgive him. maybe in time. he is a FB predator (i absolutely detest facebook which thankfully the W now dislikes as well recognizing the danger inherent in it so much so that she agrees w/ getting our 15 and 13 y/o D's off of it), a tragic/flawed figure w/ multiple issues (drugs as youth needing rehab, alcohol now, anger, womanizer) who appears quite damaged, for how else could you do what you did knowing we had 5 children and he has 4! question for my W? maybe but I still know i can and do forgive her.
i actually did ask him one time in a text: "how much harm is enough? what did i ever do to u? My kids... no more. pls." when i did speak to him the one time i ever did and hope to ever do, he told me that that text devastated him. it should. too bad his conscience didnt stop him from doing what he did. thus forgiveness for him? good question. maybe God will lead me to the right answer bc He forgives us for our sins, no?
forgiveness is the light and the way. i see that now. i no longer obsess or think about the details of their affair. not interested. down that road lies darkness and dissolution. the past IS past as long as u do not commit the same mistakes that lead u astray.
