Finding My Way

[Mystik]

Link to the last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2025955

I'm Mystik, 32. H is 33, will be 34 in two weeks. DS is 6 and a half. We have been living apart for one year and 11 months. H is living with his mistress and they are expecting a baby next month. However, H never bothered to finish filing the separation papers so we are not even legally separated yet. Not a pleasant situation for me at all.

I'm pretty much an open book so any questions, just ask.

[Mystik]

So I had a semi-productive mental health day. Got my dining room cleaned, caught up on some laundry, balanced my checkbook and cleaned DS's bedroom.

I did make some calls today. Called the attorney I've been working with, left her a voicemail and haven't heard back yet. Then I called another attorney in the same city I live in who is going to work with me on the family court stuff. I had contemplated just doing the family court stuff by myself, but this will ensure that I don't miss anything. And it's only $400 instead of the $1,200 my other lawyer wanted.

The new lawyer also told me that as of Monday New Yorkers can file under the no-fault grounds. I called We the People, they said starting next Wednesday they will be processing divorces on the grounds of no-fault. I am not sure that H knows about that, but I do know that he will file on those grounds the second he becomes aware it's available. I think I am going to use the lawyer I've been talking to when he does file to review the papers and make sure I'm not getting screwed over. She can do that in a consultation appointment which only costs me $200, the other guy was asking for $300 to review the papers.

As for family court, I am likely going to have to file three petitions. One petition to change the child support to have daycare deducted right from H's paycheck, another order to say he is in violation by not paying the co-pays and all daycare and the third petition to make H do all the driving of DS. But that is more to get it arranged that Whore cannot pick up DS, I'm willing to continue doing some of the driving if H agrees that only he will pick up DS.

[Vulcanized]

Hey M,

If your H files no fault, can you still file fault under A? I'm clueless about NY law.

[bluestar]

Did you talk to the new L about any advantages you might have for filing before Monday? Also, please have him review what you already have in place regarding support. You under duress when you negoiated with him originally. You need someone objective to make sure that you got everything that DS is entitled to. With another child entering the picture there will be less for DS so you need to make it clear now that your son is a priority.

Also, some of the things that you mentioned before like who gets to take the tax exemption can be changed in your agreement. Now is the time to do it.

[Mystik]

Vulcanized, even if H files I can counterfile using the terms I want. But like everyone has said, it won't change things in the end, H will still get the divorce he wants. It will only matter to me what the paperwork says was the reason for the divorce.

bluestar, I didn't even think to ask him if I should file first. I will be having him review the current support and custody order. He told me to make up a "wish list" of what I want and he'll see what he can do to make them happen. Being able to claim DS each year will definitely be on that list.

[Mystik]

Stopped at family court today to pick up the paperwork so I can file for the violation of support, to change the support to have daycare included in the amount paid to me and to change the visitation schedule. I am hoping that just getting the summons in the mail is enough to make H pay what he owes so we don't have to go to court about the support issues. But I still want to go about the visitation schedule to ensure Whore does not ever pick up my son.

[Mystik]

I am torn about what to do in regards to the filing. I want it known that the reason the marriage didn't work out is because of Whore. But really, in the long run does it matter? Counterfiling with adultery will drag out the process, cost me money that I don't have to spend and increase H's animosity towards me. And in the end, I'll still be divorced and miserable.

It hurts so bad to know that H is so eager to get free of me. It hurts that he chose Whore over me, his wife, the one he married, intending it to be forever. I miss him so much. I miss being able to talk to him about anything and everything. I miss him e-mailing or texting me randomly for no important reason other than to just make contact. I miss the day to day sharing of a life and a home. I often find myself on evenings and weekends wondering what H is doing. I hate what Whore has done to my family, to my relationship with H. I hate that she stole from me the option of giving H a second child. I know that if he files for divorce that really it won't change anything but I still dread getting that document. It's kind of like a marriage license. You think "Oh, it's just a piece of paper" but it really does change things.

I know that for some reason God has allowed this to happen to me, to us. But I don't understand why He did. Right now all I can see happening is I am hurt beyond repair and become bitter and cynical, all the while pining away for H. Right now the future looks so bleak and hopeless. I'm trying my damnedest to hang on to that hope, that promise I felt God made to me the night I was praying and He answered. I need to stop being such a control freak and trust in Him. But oh how I hate not knowing what is going to happen for H and I down the road.

[courageous wife]

Mystik

What would be better for you financially?

[Mystik]

Financially, letting it go through as the no-fault would be better.

Mentally/Emotionally? That is the hard part.

[courageous wife]

Do you want a D?
If you don't want a D, then why file?
Or...are you thinking of filing for financial reasons? I guess that is what I am asking...sorry if I missed that somewhere!