Back on the boards...but not sure why

[missmyfriend]

@Optimist - Maybe you are back here because there is something inside of you that says to keep going and keep trusting. One of the biggest challenges that people face is dealing with the circumstances. Circumstances have a tendency to control our actions. We really don't know what is happening behind the scenes. Our "loved ones" appear to be having fun with no concern for us, and while that may be true, we don't know what they are feeling inside or thinking. I believe that is why Ms. Weiner-Davis encourages us to find a hobby and focus on the positives rather than be ever watching what our spouses are doing. Typically, the reason why we are in this situation didn't happen overnight. Any changes in ourselves didn't start until we were forced to look at ourselves. Even then, we have to decide whether we want to change.

Our changes can have an impact on our spouse and help to shorten the duration we are apart from each other but there is no guarantee that is the only thing that has to be done. For a spouse to walk away from a marriage, there are some serious issues happening with them. So even with our own changes that we are making in ourselves, there are changes that our wayward spouse will probably have to make in order for them to want to have a marriage restoration. Like an alcoholic, they have to admit they are an alcoholic and then decide to do something about it. I know from battling weight issues in my life how hard that can be. No matter what someone says to me about getting fit, it will take something in me to make that happen.

It is no different for our spouses. They have to see the problem in themselves, realizing running away is not only not the answer but it is adding to the problems in their lives (not to mention the harm that it causes to our children). Once they see that we aren't really the problem, they have to decide if it is worth it to make changes in themselves.

Imagine how hard it is for someone who runs away from another issue (marriage problems) to then have to deal with taking ownership of their own problems and not blame their left behind spouse? If they can get to that point, then they have to start the long road to dealing with their emotional issues. And it is unlikely they will ever contact us during that time. They can be too proud or too embarrassed to tell us. Who can blame them? I know how proud AND arrogant I can be myself.

If they are successful in dealing with their issues, then they may start looking at the possibility of a reunion with the left behind spouse. And this is now the crucial consideration.

Did we, the left behind spouse, close the door on them? We are talking about emotionally injured people in the first place that are dealing with choice of running away from their family, to have to swallow their pride in order to come back home. No one likes to admit they were wrong or handled an issue with immaturity so can you imagine what it would be like for them to admit they made a bad choice?

Adding to the challenge with having to swallow their pride and try to return home, are the situations where the door was closed and nailed shut by their hurting spouse. Yes, we feel rejected and we want them to know it out of hurt and anger but what will the result be? The possibility that they don't feel it is okay to discuss a possible restoration.

My kids know that I am safe. Throughout this whole horrible chapter in our lives, they know that no matter what, they can trust that I will be there for them. I am safe for my children. (And I did make some mistakes before, during and after my wife left).

My wife, doesn't know it is safe. I don't know that for a fact but I wouldn't be sure if I were in her shoes. She doesn't know if I would welcome her with open arms or slam the door in her face. Does she know that I love her? I think she does. But that isn't enough.

Many people would consider showing unconditional love as a sign of weakness or relegating one's self as a "doormat". Maybe they are right but when I look around and I see so many broken marriages (and torn apart families), maybe we shouldn't be listening to them or even to our own emotionally distraught selves.

Now, I don't think anyone deserves to be abused or should choose to allow themselves to be mistreated but I do believe that our measurement of what it is to be used or abused has changed a great deal. If someone is causing harm to another, and that person has no remorse or willing to change, then the best thing is to remove ourselves from the danger.

But in many cases, we aren't talking about something this severe. In many cases, we are emotionally hurt because of the lack of love and/or respect we are getting from our spouse.

In the case of unconditional love being displayed, it is something that we do crave ourselves, knowing that no matter what, we are loved. We want to know that we have that safety in our lives.

Our "prodigal" spouse is no different. They are probably so conflicted emotionally, they have no clue what they should do. In fact, they are encouraged by many people, the media and even other self help books, that are misguiding people to seek out whatever is pleasurable, to continue on the path of separation, divorce and seeking whatever makes them happy. Chances are what they feel one day about their situation is different the next day. When they are alone, they may be completely unsure what they should do.

The only thing we, as left behind spouses, can do, is to provide stability for ourselves, our children and a "lighthouse" for our families. Is this going to be easy, i.e. to be a place of safety for our children and spouse? Absolutely not. This is why the rate of divorce is way above 50% now and that many of the children today are seeing high rates of suicide, sexual experimentation, emotional distress, etc.

The sad thing is that we don't have the support of others like we should. Most people consider people who DB as foolish. The solution they have is to start dating immediately. I can only speak for myself (and actually for several friends of mine who have gone through this in the past) that is not a wise idea. I have a number of friends that have gotten remarried and regretted it several years later only to repeat the whole separation and divorce model. Several "honest" friends have suggested to me that I not date and wait until I can be healed from what has happened. Some have even added that they would recommend that I not get remarried, basing on their experience.

Praying for you!