Mr. A was upset with your email because you are rocking his boat. He'd rather simply have the freedom of visiting your bed, enjoying your affection and stroking of his ego without dealing with having to explain what he is or isn't doing with other women. Honestly, you are simply just fun for him right now. HE sees you when HE wants to. Gives you attention when HE wants to and sees and pursues other women when HE wants to with no consequences whatsoever.
I think you have a lot to lose with this man right now. I think you are losing your self respect because it seems anytime he throws you a bone (i.e. attention) you jump, roll over, and basically act like his little puppy.
Rather than go to therapy with this man, I really think what you need is a complete break from him so that you can clear your head and really focus on what your needs are.
I wouldn't say anything for right now as you haven't heard anything to respond to. You need to be fine either way, don't let so much hang on what he does or doesn't do.
Hi Kat,
I'm intrigued by your comment. I think I know what you mean, but I'm not sure. Could you please elaborate whenever you have a chance?
Meantime, I'm going to post a few related thoughts...
I appreciate your support and encouragement a LOT, so I hope you're not irritated when I say that I'm not keen on going dark with Mr. A. (I'll bet you're not surprised, either! )
I realize that going dark is about demonstrating consequences to actions, but it doesn't seem like it would give either of us any useful information.
Here's a somewhat similar situation from my job:
Recently I had a consulting firm conduct what was basically a customer satisfaction survey and we had a lot of respondents who filled in the comments section. The most useless comments were the ones that said "This survey is stupid" or something to that effect.
I'm like, well what am I supposed to do about it? We already sent you the survey, so that's done, and you didn't say why it was stupid or how it could've been better, so your comment means nothing at this point. It's your opinion, you're certainly entitled to it, but it provides absolutely no actionable information to me.
Either I can ignore those comments or I can follow up with the individual respondents for more information, but as they stand, they don't help me at all.
That's sort of how I feel about what just transpired with Mr. A and me.
If I go dark on Mr. A now, all I'll know is that he can't keep his d&(# in his pants.
And, as far as I see it, all he'll know is that when he says something I don't like, I ignore him. More of the same from our marriage.
With Mr. A or a future love interest, I don't want to be an ignorer. That approach has NOT served me well in the past, although it is my natural tendency.
So that's what I'm thinking. 2X4s welcome, though I can't guarantee that they'll get through my thick skull!
Sincerely, Mrs. A
P.S. I left 2 messages for my IC and haven't heard back from him yet.
I think Kat is saying not to put too much emotional weight into his response. The whole DB philosophy is to stop being codependent.
CTH, you posted this while I was writing my last one. Pretty crazy that you took two quick sentences to say pretty much the opposite of what took me a bunch of paragraphs!!!
(((((Mrs. A))))) Going dark is a lot more about stopping yourself from spinning and worrying about his reaction than it is about showing him anything.
If you don't want to ignore him, send something simple... "Thanks for letting me know." And then move forward, which probably includes being dark, but it really means living your life without him, and without the expectation of him. Heal yourself, live yourself, be yourself.
I'm proud of myself, it usually takes me dozens of paragraphs to get my point across.
Your situation is tough. If my STBXW came to me wanting to keep the physical relationship going I know deep down in my soul I'd probably jump into bed with her. I miss her physically way more than I do emotionally.
Instead, she wants to be friends ... and I don't want that. I want the friend with benefits.
Anyway, if that started up again then the whole destructive relationship cycle would start all over again.
I don't know what's better, having the ex available for sex, or just having to make a clean break.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I don't know what's better, having the ex available for sex, or just having to make a clean break.
Really? One might feel better in the short term, but it's just dragging out the pain, and making it harder to detach your emotions from the X's actions.
Especially since you already know this:
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
Anyway, if that started up again then the whole destructive relationship cycle would start all over again.
Oh my gosh, you guys, I don't any of those options! But I guess of the three: friends, FWBs, or no relationship, I think I would have to pick no relationship!
What I really want is for Mr. A and me to explore our renewed interest in one another without the complication of a third/fourth/fifth/sixth party.
)