Half Baked Spring Chicken

[ericmsant2]

Punkin,

I really don't feel much anger

Really – you could have fooled me.

just disappointed and sorrow and very, very tired

1 ) this is normal 2) I know how you might feel. This chit can really wear you down and 3) you may be tired because you are TRYING so hard to get HIM to realize something that right now he cannot see.
So, sit back for a bit Punkin and lick your wounds. Relax a little bit and regain your strength. You may feel like you want to quit that you cannot take it anymore. I have felt this way on so many occasion BUT what I can tell you is this…
When YOU want to quit…ask yourself…why are YOU doing this.
Love?
Well then sometimes love hurts.
Commitment?
Well commitment is not easy. Think of the word….”Commitment”

I just spent a vacation in denial

IF that is how you want to look at it, well then you will feel defeated and tired. Was it denial about how much you want your H OR was it denial that YOU really thought that something YOU do could FIX HIM?

I was really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow

I know this feeling too….here is what I have learned…especially recently, they are lost right now, gone and in their own world – accept it and be grateful for what you do have.
IF seeing him will hurt then re-think it. He may not be ready yet and the more you allow your anger to spew out (although it feels good) the further away you push him. Think about the DB principals for a sec…GAL, focus on you, etc. They are suggested because really you need to draw him IN….if he wants to come, he will move toward you in HIS time NOT YOURS. When he does, as small as that draw is…be grateful for it.
FWIW, I have found myself thinking more about my W these last few weeks.. the time that we used to spend together, the time we used to just talk. I now realize that six months ago my W would not even speak to me and although she is still in replay and still acting like a teenager, she now speaks to me, which when I look at it from a different angle is progress. Not the progress “I” want but progress none the less. So, if I take the “I” out of it, I can see that it is progress that SHE feels comfortable with. Remember, it is about THEM not US.

But now feel only fear

I hate that ^^^^ fuc*er up there…hate it.
Fear will paralyze you. It will stop you from growing and accepting. The only way to address it is to face it. Ask yourself a few questions…
1) What are you really afraid of? If it is that you lost your H, well in some way you already have. Does that mean you cannot, rather he cannot find his way back home. NO.
2) Are you afraid that you cannot control this train? Well then your right, you cannot control someone else. So really you have already faced it.
3) Are you afraid that you will be alone?
Whatever you are afraid of, face it. It is not easy. I live it day in and day out BUT because I can face it I know I will make it AND facing it….is really….how you begin to know who you really are.

"I get my list to my lawyer . . . Thanks."

Do you understand WHY he sent this? Can you see where YOU played a role here?

I do know his many evening rants do not speak of sober thought

Or of someone that is in pain! Or of someone who is confused. Or of someone that right now feels like he is a teenager again.

I still love the idiot

Read this ^^^^ again…are you sure you’re not angry?

If he's straightened out

I am going to put on my MLCer hat right now and act as YOUR H….
“If PUN would only straighten out and see it MY way”
How often in the M, do YOU think your H felt that IF only YOU did x or y?

I have not let go of the old marriage yet and let it die.

This ^^^^ is very hard to do. We all struggled with it. Once you accept that your M as you knew is OVER, well then the real work starts. The working of rebuilding YOU so that YOU can make the right choices for YOU. Not choices made in anger or disappointment.

I want him to love me the way we once loved one another, without conditions.

Can you love HIM without conditions? Love him just the way he is…as f*cking MLC crazy that he is right now? Can you? Don’t answer me…look in the mirror and answer yourself!

My mind thinks he will never face his demons

Punkin – I will admit I am bias here….this comment…really irks me. Wanna know why?
I will not speak for everyone on these boards…
My W probably thought the same thing right before the MLC hit – probably thought I would never change. That I did not have it in me.
Imagine…what could have been had she waited
Imagine…what could happen IF YOU wait and stop projecting YOUR THOUGHTS about what YOUR H can and cannot do. Just imagine..
Just imagine….

Your call…your step…

Oh….

Please answer all of GRITS questions.

God Bless,
Eric