Looking for help with WAW - 2

[mza8]

Steve M, I’m trying to do something different now that’s why I don’t even want to talk to her. When she told me the other week that I hurt her and she won’t let me hurt her again, I now know exactly how she feels. She has hurt me terribly by all of this and my wall is now up. I’m tired of opening my heart up to her only to have her step on it. I have told her how sorry I am for hurting her and I feel like telling her that she’s hurt me just as bad. I’m getting to where she probably was a year ago. In some ways it’s aggravating when she contacts me lately. I actually cringe when I see her emails pop up or see her call or text. I find that I don’t want to be bothered by her now. All she brings to my life is misery now and I want happiness. I totally get her now and where she was/is. I feel like I’m there now too.

I’d like to get my closure and begin to heal. She won’t even go to counseling for closure like she had offered earlier. I need to bring about my own closure. I need to heal from this and I know it will take me a long time. I think she’s been so unfair and unreasonable with this whole sitch but that’s her right now…she’s so self-absorbed. That’s fine though, she can be whoever she wants to be but I’m no longer going to deal with it. If she decides to file next week then that’s her decision and the path she chooses for herself. I will make my own path and do what’s best for me. I have put myself on the back burner for her for years. No more, not now.

I’m not doing this to try to change my tactics to see if she comes around this time. I’m done with trying to do things to do what works to try to bring her back. I have to be my own person again. I lost my identity and need to get it back. I went back and read my last few posts about asking if I should and how to respond to her. It was pathetic. Just man-up and call her and keep it to the subject she’s asking about and that’s all. I did text her yesterday afternoon to say that I could call her late in the evening. She texted back that it would be a bit too late and could we talk tomorrow/today. I texted back that’s fine. Keep it short, no R talk, be polite and that’s it. It annoys me to read some things I write hear. I sound so weak sometimes. I don’t know where that guy came from but yeah, it’s not attractive at all. The man I was is the man she fell in love with. I will become that person again…if not for her then for someone else. It would be sort of ironic to find myself again and find her again.