Half Baked Spring Chicken

[Truegritter]

Pun

where I've let go so completely there is no going back.

This is normal. I felt this way. Eric already said his experience up there ^^^^^^.

PEI and Missher could chime in here too I think.

Normal. And good.

It is another level of detachment. It is the normal reaction to this

I can say that I did my best. I tried to get him all the help I was able to get him. I just lost. Plain and simple.

Lost what? All your efforts here were for what?

To convince H your life together is better than he is choosing to remember?

To get him to come back?

To win the battle over the other W?

To validate yourself by getting H to see you are worth more than he chooses to see right now?

PUN!

Read what I just wrote again.

And don't just nod your head.

You are so close to seeing what you need to see.

I can tell you all day long how much I admire you and your strength

BUT

Until you answer the question of

WHY are you doing this?

WHY are you here?

What is your goal?

What do you hope to gain?

You will not see what we see for YOU.

You had expectations here. Expectations of your H.

It is not happening. You feel resentment and anger.

You feel frustrated. You want to give up.

So you convince yourself maybe it's you who doesn't love him anymore.

SOUR GRAPES!

You just love him only if he loves you back right?

You just love him until he shows you some sign that he values you?

Values your M?

Ask yourself these questions Pun.

And stretch out those legs woman you're getting ready to take some huge steps...

If you choose to.

[PEI]

<PEI chiming in> ...

... no going back ...

Funny statement, but it doesn't mean to me what I think you are saying punkin.

I'm never going back ... to the woman I was ... to the marriage we had. Does that mean I wouldn't consider reconciling? Wait for it ... NO. But you know what, I don't need to think about it right now because a) it's not on the table, and b) I'm far too busy getting a life. I don't have a crystal ball punkin, neither do you.

Worrying about taking him back ... not taking him back ... just another way to focus on HIM IMO. Read Grit's post carefully ... ponder it ...

Peace
PEI

[punkin]

Pei, True, Eric, Brooklyn, Irish - did I miss anybody?

Thanks for all your support. I will reread the Stages of LBS as you suggested. I am continuing to GAL, and enjoying it.

True, when I said I had done all I could for H, I meant to get him help with the PTSD and alcoholism. While I certainly don't have the facts of how that is going, I do know his many evening rants do not speak of sober thought.

It is true I still love the idiot, but I'm starting to spend more time looking ahead instead of back. If he's straightened out, we can be friends. We started as friends. If not, it's a moot point.

At this point, I do not expect to hear from him for at least 30 days, which will be right before our court hearing on the 17th. He so badly does not want to go into a courtroom.

Tried to join Little Friday last night but I am Facebook ignorant. PLUS, does it have to start at the same time as the "Vampire Diaries"? That's the only sex I have these days.

Bouncin' Back

[PEI]

Tried to join Little Friday last night but I am Facebook ignorant. PLUS, does it have to start at the same time as the "Vampire Diaries"? That's the only sex I have these days.

punkin ... you're killing me ... just sayin'

Sweetie, it goes on half the night, was 3am ATL before I finally hit the sheets! Not exactly smart now that I'm nearly brain dead here at work this morning

Did you get the inbox message I sent to you? Little Friday for Dummies ... just for you .... lol ... next week punkin, next week...

PEI

[Truegritter]

True, when I said I had done all I could for H, I meant to get him help with the PTSD and alcoholism.

This is what I mean by nodding your head.

You already did this BEFORE he left.

What can you do after that?

It is true I still love the idiot.

I do not doubt this Pun.

I am challenging you to look at what this means.

It may mean something different than it has ever meant to you before.

There still is the unspoken BUT in there...

If he's straightened out, we can be friends. We started as friends. If not, it's a moot point.

If frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their a$$'s a hoppin'

Listen there is more in you than just this date that is looming for you.

For some reason that old story of the footprints in the sand comes to mind.

You know walking on the beach everthing thing is good and there are two set of footprints...

Then when the challenges come in life there are only one set of footprints.

And you ask "why have you foresaken me? When I needed you most you were not there? there was only one set of footprints and I walked alone."

And God Answered "It was then that you did not know. When you needed me I carried you and that is why there were only my footprints that you saw left in the sand."

How would you want to be loved Pun?

What does it mean when you say you love the idiot?

What does it mean when say our vows?

We are not God. But he has given us everything we need to understand love the way he loves us.

We are capable of this kind of love.

It is the kind that heals. It is the kind that can do all things. It can work miracles.

Things we never thought possible.

Things we never knew were there right in front of us.

Read again what I have written to you.

This is not about what H is doing so you can go dark and then you won't know what's going on.

But

Eventually you have to come into the light.

You can do this.

Answer my questions.

[LanceSijan]

Did you get the inbox message I sent to you?

Punkin, On FB there are little red boxes at the top, on the left side.

Try clicking on them they have messages attached to them.

If you already know how to do this, then I am sorry for telling you.

If you have any other question, please ask.

[punkin]

Thank you Lance and Pei. Yes, do you know where I can get "Facebook for Dummies?" I felt a bit slow on the uptake last night. But, I'll try, try again.

True, the answer to the question is I have not let go of the old marriage yet and let it die. I want him to love me the way we once loved one another, without conditions. My mind knows this, my heart still grieves for what cannot be. That is a necessary step yet to be taken by me.

My mind thinks he will never face his demons, my heart hopes he will. The thing that bugs me the most, and I think this is a true statement for a lot of us, is that, 'He/She didn't love me enough to right the wrongs. Just ran away like a child who broke a window with a baseball.' "Wasn't me, don't know". Yes, I know that 'bugs me' is a synonym for 'angers me'.

As Irish put it, I like the person he has become less & less. Perhaps that is only detachment. But I honestly would not meet him today out of fear. His mood swings and rants via email are disturbing. The man I married never laid a hand on me, but that's not who this guy is.

Anyway, I'm still hanging in here. Yesterday may not have been the 'you'll know the right time', but it was a fairly good facsimile.

[Truegritter]

My mind knows this, my heart still grieves for what cannot be. That is a necessary step yet to be taken by me.

I agree Punkin. You are stuck right here.

I think this is a true statement for a lot of us, is that, 'He/She didn't love me enough to right the wrongs. Just ran away like a child who broke a window with a baseball.' "Wasn't me, don't know".

You know this is tough.

I see this in my W just as you describe. She chose selfish choices, self destructive choices...

I will never know the pain she is in. You will never know the pain your H is in.

The only thing we do know Punkin is they are in crisis. The degree of which varies depending on a lot of things.

Issues from childhood, mental health, hormones whatever.

We did not break them and we can't fix them.

But we can decide not to be part of the problem.

We can decide to love them in the best way for them right now.

I want him to love me the way we once loved one another, without conditions.

Is this what love means to you?

Is this the answer to my question?

[handlingplanb]

My mind knows this, my heart still grieves for what cannot be. That is a necessary step yet to be taken by me.

I agree Punkin. You are stuck right here.

Sometimes if you lurk around enough you get a chance to read something that REALLY REALLY hits home.....put into words that you can't on your own. If only there was a way to get your heart to listen to your mind!

[ericmsant2]

Punkin,

I really don't feel much anger

Really – you could have fooled me.

just disappointed and sorrow and very, very tired

1 ) this is normal 2) I know how you might feel. This chit can really wear you down and 3) you may be tired because you are TRYING so hard to get HIM to realize something that right now he cannot see.
So, sit back for a bit Punkin and lick your wounds. Relax a little bit and regain your strength. You may feel like you want to quit that you cannot take it anymore. I have felt this way on so many occasion BUT what I can tell you is this…
When YOU want to quit…ask yourself…why are YOU doing this.
Love?
Well then sometimes love hurts.
Commitment?
Well commitment is not easy. Think of the word….”Commitment”

I just spent a vacation in denial

IF that is how you want to look at it, well then you will feel defeated and tired. Was it denial about how much you want your H OR was it denial that YOU really thought that something YOU do could FIX HIM?

I was really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow

I know this feeling too….here is what I have learned…especially recently, they are lost right now, gone and in their own world – accept it and be grateful for what you do have.
IF seeing him will hurt then re-think it. He may not be ready yet and the more you allow your anger to spew out (although it feels good) the further away you push him. Think about the DB principals for a sec…GAL, focus on you, etc. They are suggested because really you need to draw him IN….if he wants to come, he will move toward you in HIS time NOT YOURS. When he does, as small as that draw is…be grateful for it.
FWIW, I have found myself thinking more about my W these last few weeks.. the time that we used to spend together, the time we used to just talk. I now realize that six months ago my W would not even speak to me and although she is still in replay and still acting like a teenager, she now speaks to me, which when I look at it from a different angle is progress. Not the progress “I” want but progress none the less. So, if I take the “I” out of it, I can see that it is progress that SHE feels comfortable with. Remember, it is about THEM not US.

But now feel only fear

I hate that ^^^^ fuc*er up there…hate it.
Fear will paralyze you. It will stop you from growing and accepting. The only way to address it is to face it. Ask yourself a few questions…
1) What are you really afraid of? If it is that you lost your H, well in some way you already have. Does that mean you cannot, rather he cannot find his way back home. NO.
2) Are you afraid that you cannot control this train? Well then your right, you cannot control someone else. So really you have already faced it.
3) Are you afraid that you will be alone?
Whatever you are afraid of, face it. It is not easy. I live it day in and day out BUT because I can face it I know I will make it AND facing it….is really….how you begin to know who you really are.

"I get my list to my lawyer . . . Thanks."

Do you understand WHY he sent this? Can you see where YOU played a role here?

I do know his many evening rants do not speak of sober thought

Or of someone that is in pain! Or of someone who is confused. Or of someone that right now feels like he is a teenager again.

I still love the idiot

Read this ^^^^ again…are you sure you’re not angry?

If he's straightened out

I am going to put on my MLCer hat right now and act as YOUR H….
“If PUN would only straighten out and see it MY way”
How often in the M, do YOU think your H felt that IF only YOU did x or y?

I have not let go of the old marriage yet and let it die.

This ^^^^ is very hard to do. We all struggled with it. Once you accept that your M as you knew is OVER, well then the real work starts. The working of rebuilding YOU so that YOU can make the right choices for YOU. Not choices made in anger or disappointment.

I want him to love me the way we once loved one another, without conditions.

Can you love HIM without conditions? Love him just the way he is…as f*cking MLC crazy that he is right now? Can you? Don’t answer me…look in the mirror and answer yourself!

My mind thinks he will never face his demons

Punkin – I will admit I am bias here….this comment…really irks me. Wanna know why?
I will not speak for everyone on these boards…
My W probably thought the same thing right before the MLC hit – probably thought I would never change. That I did not have it in me.
Imagine…what could have been had she waited
Imagine…what could happen IF YOU wait and stop projecting YOUR THOUGHTS about what YOUR H can and cannot do. Just imagine..
Just imagine….

Your call…your step…

Oh….

Please answer all of GRITS questions.

God Bless,
Eric