Proving to her, or attempting to prove to her that he has "changed" does nothing but show pursuing, clinging behavior.
It doesn't work. It will never work.
She told him in their little coffee date that the reason why it didn't work out with the OM was because he wouldn't move to this country. She is telling him direct and to the point, that if he had moved here, she would be with the OM. The only reason she wants to be with Future is because he is the 2nd option, the backup plan if the affair with the OM didn't work out.
I've mentioned this scenario a million times on this site, NEVER BE THE 2ND OPTION, NEVER BE THE BACK UP PLAN to a cheating spouse, to a spouse having an affair. Doing so communicates you have no real value, you're only good enough if the preferred plans don't work out. Who in their right mind would want to be someone's 2nd option?
Future as long as you didn't go batshitcrazy when you got angry with her and started being honest, I don't think the anger did any harm. If you got all emotional, weepy, wussy, teary eyed then yeah, you did wrong but from the sounds of it, you didn't go that far. You got angry, stood up for yourself (and I always make a point of telling people to stand up for themselves and to stand up to WAS's "crap behavior")
I'm glad you agreed with the divorce.
Now go out on a few dates, I don't care if they're platonic, friendly only dates, just go out with a few different women. Start making yourself unavailable.
Up until this point, she hasn't had to fear losing you. You've been there, proof of this, she knew you would be open to reconciliation after her stint with the OM. In her mind she probably thought.... "It's ok if I screw around on Future, he's a nice guy, dependable, he'll always be there for me, he doesn't have any opinions of his own, he doesn't stand up for himself, he just takes what i give him, he's not very exciting, always agreeing with me but at least he's.... safe and he isn't going anywhere."
You really want her back, give her the feeling that you're DONE with her. A real feeling, nothing fake will work. The feeling that you've decided that she isn't good enough for you, that waiting around for someone who cheats on you isn't good enough for you, someone who would do this to you and then just waltz back into your life because things didn't work out with the OM, well that is unacceptable to you.
You won't get her back by showing her that you've changed. You've changed?! Really? I hear no mention of HER changes, hmmmm.... none whatsoever. Because she's perfect as is, even if she cheats on you, openly admits that the reason she considers coming back is because the OM wouldn't move to this country, lies to you by telling you she loves the OM's country, she doesn't/didn't go there because of him (ummm.... please don't ever believe this, it's a lie, plain and simple, she's used to saying things to you and you just accepting it as truth).
You need to stop talking to her, you can let her contact you when necessary but you need to stop making first contact. Keep it about the kids, start going out, not just thinking about it, DOING IT! Go out on friendly dates, "social interactions" with other women, whatever you have to call it, just do it.
Read BTM's thread, the guy was in the same situation 4 years ago, on this board 4 years ago, his wife moved out, basically told him she wasn't coming back, he didn't confirm an affair but she lives on her own and he has the kids living with him. He spent several months and several hundred posts telling us he did things to show her he changed, and on top of that he kissed her butt every step of the way, trips, dinners, gifts, calling often, relationship talk, pursuing, needy, clingy behavior, you name it, he did and guess what, wife wasn't interested at all. He finally reaches his own personal threshold of how far he was willing to go, the switch inside his head finally gets flipped and he gives up on her (finally!), he accepts that she's gone, stops calling, stops pursuing, starts to get a real life, goes out with his friends, goes shopping, taking care of himself, starts dating and she finds out and all of a sudden, wonder o wonders, her feelings start to change, she shows jealousy, she compliments his look, she feels "gipped" that he's moving on, that some other woman is now going to get the "better" BTM, (she enjoyed the situation when she was the one moving on, when he finally accepted the situation and he really moved on, things changed), she felt dumped, she felt bitter, she now shows signs that she wants him back, she contacts him, and he continues acting as if it's over.
Future your wife kept pursuing the OM and still thinks about the OM because.... he dumped her several times. Gucci commented on this as well. That is reality, that is what works. Showing your wife that you've "changed" is not going to bring her back, you're going to have several more months of her crap cheating behavior if you're going to pursue her and show her you changed. You want to show her you've changed? If you really want to show her you've changed, show her for real that you've changed by moving on and leaving her behind and showing her that you won't accept this treatment from her anymore, showing her you have a mindset of abundance, there's a 1000 other women out there for you and there is only one YOU! That would be showing her you've changed, that would be showing her that you understand how she feels and that you now share the same feelings.
That's the only way you have a chance of this working, you won't get her back by competing with the OM for her, that never works, you will always lose in that situation because you lose before the competition even begins.
Good luck bro, I hope you understand this and internalize this and make this your new reality.
Read this agian. It is absolutely 100% dead on. I'm living proof.
Reach your threshold and conquer your fear of being w/o. Great post robx.
So does all this quoting of prior posts slow the board down????????????
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
