I think I want my marriage, but I need to to make sure I want it for the right reasons. I want to make sure that it is what I want because I love my H and that it's not just me responding to the guilt I feel for ruining life for my kids and destroying my H.
Ready to get even more confused, you're right again I don't want to be here because of the anxiety and frustration I feel on a daily basis. I know I'm not enough for my H...he wants more than I can give. Not just now, but he always has. I've always been inadequate. I have spent most of my marriage trying to conform to what he wanted but what he wanted never stayed the same. So basically the real me was lost in the mix. Now I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I want and who the H3LL I am. My entire life became, "if it makes you happy, it's fine with me." I can't go back to that. I just can't.
But the problem is I don't know if I can find out who I am, while I'm still in the M trying to fix it. My H has always suffered from anxieties/insecurities which have been compounded because of the 'bomb' but now everything I do is believed to have hidden meaning so it's like my life is covered in broken glass on top of the eggshells that have always been there. No matter what at this point, I'm screwed.
Yes, part of the 'bomb' was because of the IC I've been going through. I still see her and she agrees that I'm not of the right mind to make life changing decisions but so I'm not. But as in everything, he does have a choice as well...wait or go.
And I most definitely love your Rocky quote. It describes my mental state to a tee. Got any other good ones up your sleeve.
Thanks for all your help, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
