She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[PEI]

Life is all about the fences ... there just isn't a way to make everything black and white. Many shades of grey my friends ... many.

Walking away IS escaping a problem, no question. But what if it's all they were capable of at the time? We do what we can ... we do the best we can with what we know and have and when we know better we do better (very loosly and poorly paraphrasing Maya Angelou).

They were not capable of dealing with the problems at this time. You know what I know? At any point in the last 6 years I was not capable of making the changes I have made in the last year. So in a way I spent the previous 5-6 years escaping in my own way.

Punkin ... THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! Or your partnering skills ... his crisis is his crisis. I know you know this. Sarcasm aside

Peace
PEI

[LanceSijan]

But what if it's all they were capable of at the time?

This is key.

PEI is right on with her advice.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

I have been thinking about our exchange and at first was not really going to respond BUT then again that wouldn’t be me now would it. One thing sticks out at me in your response.

Respect is earned when we live up to our promises

Live up to our “promise”…

You mean like….

I promise to love you unconditionally JUST the way YOU are

I promise to be there for you in the good times and bad times

I promise for better or for worse (and FTR, this is the worse part)

I promise till death due us part (notice I excluded even if your fuc*ing someone else – it is implied by the use of “death”)

You meant those types of promises- right?

Did you make those promises on your wedding day? I did. Before you answer keep reading….

They were not capable of dealing with the problems at this time. You know what I know? At any point in the last 6 years I was not capable of making the changes I have made in the last year. So in a way I spent the previous 5-6 years escaping in my own way.

Look up there buddy ^^^^^ read that fuc*er a few times.

You see you my friend, want promises with conditions!

I did too so don’t feel bad.

Crushed, let me ask YOU a question….

How much chit did your wife have to put up with and for HOW long? Fukc it don’t answer me…I’ll tell you my story and you can let me know if anything applies to you.

I did not respect my wife

We were codependent

I was in my own crisis and did not know it

I emotionally abandoned my wife while I went off and did my “career thang”

I hung out all the time and left my wife with the child rearing duties

I did not validate how SHE felt

I did not work on MY issues

[censored]..i gained weight and really did not feel to good about myself.

BTW, while I was doing this….I can look in the mirror and honestly say…..

SHE LOVED ME…WITH EVERY FUC*ing fiber of her being!

So honestly, in my book….she deserves MY respect EVEN when she is off f*cking someone else.

She did not ask for this crisis, nor did I…

BUT my promise to ME…..is….this...I’m gonna keep my promise!

Included in promise are some of the things that I strive and hope for which is …

I want to love HER unconditionally…..

I want to be there when and IF she falls….

I want to be there in whatever capacity that SHE decides

AND

One day…….and it may be right before she passes, I may already be remarried, who the hell knows…BUT

I do know that ONE day…

She will look at me and say….

Thank you – I respect YOU.

I’m not gonna tell you how to secure YOUR respect….

I know how I’m getting mine.

Sorry if this was a brutal post. Just take a look at your quote again…

Eric

[Truegritter]

None of our sitches are unique.

it comes down to what WE decide to do with it.

And it can make all the difference in the world.

to a whole lot of people.

Mostly those in your life.

be careful.

and purposeful.

What you do defines you.

listen to Eric. He has been through some sh!t.

If you have half your life left you can read ALL his posts and maybe get through them.

I am kidding of course...

Very wise dude...Eric... been through the trial of fire and is here to give the benefit of his trevails.

This is to Crushed and anyone else reading.

I cannot stress enough.

Go read what we who post to you have been through.

READ.

It's all there.

[crushednstuck]

PEI, I too have made more personal changes in the last year than the combined years of my marriage. Stupid that it takes something like this to be a catalyst. But the complacency feeds on the familiarity and daily proximity to a partner who you assume is shoulder to shoulder battling the external challenges to a life together.

Marriage was another accomplishment like graduating from school. Graduating to adulthood. I did the work. I put in the time. I have the ring and license as proof. Yet no one can take your diploma away. The accomplishments are not supposed to be undone.

TG, this betrayal is unique. It is happening to me.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

Stupid that it takes something like this to be a catalyst.

I actually agree with this Crushed.

What is even more stupid...is not taking the TIME that has been given to you to learn from your mistakes. At least that is my opinion and FTR, my motto is opinion are like as*holes...every body's got one.

Crushed, You sound defeated and entitled.

And man do I know that feeling. It is not a good mind set to have if you are really trying to save your M.

I'm sure you've heard this BUT....

Many will tell you "fu*k her...look at what she is doing"

Many will tell you to "get on with your life"

Many will tell you that "she does not respect you"

Many will tell you that "you need to man up"

Everyone, myself included will have an opinion...

Know what...

The only opinion that matters is YOURS.

So sit still for a second...clear your mind and your heart. Clear all of the anger and then think...

About the happy times with your W

Your wedding day...

When you first child was born

When you first made love to your wife

When you felt so good

Then look in the mirror and ask yourself...

Does she deserve the time that I CHOOSE to give her

Does she deserve the opportunity to fall on her face...all the while knowing that YOU will be there to pick her up.

10 years...buddy...10 years...two children...

Oh...and your Wife is having a crisis right now. You may not see it, fu*k you may never see it...BUT she needs you.

Finally, you mentioned to Grit that your sitch and you are unique...

You are unique because you are YOU

You are unique because GOD made you unique

You are unique because YOU will make a choice

Choose wisely my friend.

I hope and pray that you and your wife reconcile...

I really do buddy - more than you can even imagine.

Oh..."happening to me"....sounds like a victim to me.

Change how you look at things...is your sitch happening to YOU OR is the MLC happening to HER? Which do you think?

God Bless,
Eric

[PEI]

PEI, I too have made more personal changes in the last year than the combined years of my marriage. Stupid that it takes something like this to be a catalyst. But the complacency feeds on the familiarity and daily proximity to a partner who you assume is shoulder to shoulder battling the external challenges to a life together.

Would your W say the same thing? I know my H would. He would definitely say I was not a partner to him during the last several years. Who's right? You want to know what I've learned in the last 9 mos? We both are ...

Marriage was another accomplishment like graduating from school. Graduating to adulthood. I did the work.

Did you CNS? Did you really (FWIW, I did not) ... or did you just

put in the time.

I'm not trying to bust your b@lls CNS ... I'm just showing you what I've learned so far on my journey.

I have the ring and license as proof. Yet no one can take your diploma away. The accomplishments are not supposed to be undone.

You want to look at this with an educational analogy ... imagine a Doctor who graduates but then doesn't put the time and energy into keeping up to speed and on top of all the lastest information/procedures/medicines ... he may still have his degree hanging on the wall but would you want to be treated by him?

TG, this betrayal is unique. It is happening to me.

Sorry CNS ... it FEELS unique because it's happening to you. I've been there buddy, read my early threads ... I was sooooo different, my sitch was soooooo different thank you very much

Keep reading ... keep learning ...

Peace
PEI

[crushednstuck]

Hey e, don't make it sound like agreeing with me is so far fetched. There'e some logical thinking hidden in the fog.

PEI, my exception to nothing being unique is that it seems to provide cover for our actions. There is individual responsibility which I have reluctantly but necessarily claimed. I think by saying that its all been done before allows an excuse for my/her behavior because it's just supposed to happen that way - as it did for everyone else.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

I like ya dude…you seem a lot like the old me and chit I like parts of that guy.

There is individual responsibility which I have reluctantly but necessarily claimed.

If I recall you’re a big guy Crushed so I’ll watch what I say. I’m only 5’11” and 175 so I don’t want you coming up to CT to kick my as*.

“Reluctantly”….really you reluctantly claimed some responsibility. WOW

Ballsy dude.

I am reluctant to ask this questions BUT I will…

Do you love your W? Oh…Your W NOT her actions.

Crushed you may not be ready to hear this….

Do you want to be divorced?

If yes, then hey keep doing what your doing – your doing fine.

If no, then answer these questions..

Why are YOU here?

What does “fighting” for your M mean to you?

What does commitment mean to you?

AND FTR,

Fuc* your W right now…I am more concerned with YOU buddy.

If she D’d your as* tomorrow…

Who would Crushed be?

Is Crushed someone that will stand for his next R?

Is Crushed someone that will be a man of honor and character?

Is Crushed someone that will run at the first sign of trouble?

Who the hell is Crushed outside of his M?

Can you next R (which ftr could be with your w) count on you to be in their corner even when chit get tough?

Is Crushed someone that can ONLY love IF….HIS needs are met on HIS schedule and IN the manner that he wants?

Who are YOU Crushed….who are you?

Crushed, I came here broken and maybe you are nothing like me. Maybe your sitch is unique because it is happening to you. Here is the last piece of advice I can give you…


Do the work on yourself and NO matter what happens YOU will be better.

Better FOR YOU and

Better for YOUR next R….she will love you more than you know, WHY?

Cause seriously, you will have learned what it is to love with no conditions

Learned what true compassion is

Learned how strong you really are

Learned how much of a committed partner you are

Learned just how deep you can love…a love beyond just physical intimacy and common interest…

A love my friend, that only comes..when you know you are and take a

Step…to be the man that YOU always wanted to be.

Oh…and none of this chit…really has anything to do with your W.

God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

No worries E, I'm a big boy who can take a challenge and constructive criticism. Well not so big anymore. But I do reserve the violence for the playing field. If you ask my W, I hold too much in, but what guy doesn't?

I'm proud of my character and my honor. I'm well-regarded at work, a patient coach and a leader in my community. I'm a good father and teammate.

It could easily be argued that I'm spread thin, but I'm trying to improve all the facets of my life - being committed rather than simply involved. The irony is not lost here.

Yet as I struggle to define who I am and what I want from life, I realize the pursuit of my passions has nothing to do with my W. She takes exception with the person I want to be. As I examine the path during the second phase of my life, will I compromise my personal goals to be a husband to my W. Can the pursuit of a healthy relationship co-exist with my personal life list?

I'm trying to change things since my previous actions have not led to the intended results. I attended church for the first time in my life on a Saturday night. The pastor was focusing on Psalm 33, which in part references picking up a shield and extending a hand to those in need. He opined "What if we asked everyone we met 'How can I protect you, how can I help?', what would our nation look like then?" I couldn't help but think if I asked this of my W every day during our M, would I be here now?