Just wanted to reply as I was in a very similar situation as you. I was with my ex for nearly 10 years and he left me not long after we got married. I also went to Thailand by myself (only for a month though unfortunately! But it was an amazing experience).
I was 27 when my divorce came through and had to learn to be 'me' again. And start seeing other people which I found really difficult. I did the going out and getting drunk and using alcohol to make me feel confident. Unfortunately that also meant I met a few guys who I wouldn't necessarily give the time of day to if I was sober and had the self confidence that I should have had. (I'm not saying that the guy you've met is bad for you - only you can know that) Just that my confidence was very low and I was comparing the guys I was meeting to my ex, and of course they all paid me way more attention and were a lot nicer, but thats not saying much as my ex was pretty awful towards the end!
I met my boyfriend about 18 months ago and things are great, but I have to admit that even now I sometimes have those feelings of panic and self doubt. If he's not as chatty as normal, or seems a bit quiet, I start to panic that he's doing what my ex did, and thinking about leaving me. Even though I don't doubt that my boyfriend is totally into me, I spent so long trying to keep my marriage together and being the one in the relationship trying so hard, I still can't quite believe I'm now in an equal relationship and with someone who really wants to be with me. I'm not sure I ever will really.
I just wanted to say that I do totally understand what you're going through and I think (well I hope for my sake!) its totally normal.
If you ever want to ask anything just drop me a line.
Lea xx
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
I totally feel you on the insecurity thing. There is nothing so big a blow to your self esteem as being left for another person.
I am glad you've been having fun, but I think you know what needs to happen. You called him a fling, and that's what it is. And it sounds to me like it's coming to an end.
Get tested. Take care of yourself. And move on.
Sorry about XH too. At least he had the "decency" to e-mail you. You deserve so so so so much more.
Don't ever settle for less than what you deserve sweetie. None of us are perfect, but we all deserve someone who knows they are a work in progress too.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
The insecurity is understandable, but given that this is more of a fling than a R, try to step back and separate your emotions from it if you can.
Now, on to the other stuff. Please get tested ASAP. Heroin users are notorious for sharing needles. Pot smokers are tolerable IMO, but the hard stuff usually means much deeper problems and lapses in judgement.
You said it yourself, this is a fling, he doesn't want a R and, honestly, would you want one with him? He sounds childish and flakey and we all know that you are NOT either of those things. Your smart, beautiful, creative and witty. You deserve an equal in those areas and I don't see him being it. A fling is fun, but this sounds like it's starting to hurt you. End it before you get sucked in too much further.
Love you girl!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thank you everyone for your replies, I have read them all over lots and am taking some time to think about everything, there is so much food for thought, thank you all. My head is all over the place at the moment, what with being exhausted by burning the candle at both ends (it has been fun though ) and ill with a cold (why does that always happen when I get exh news???).
I had a conversation with Joe about the drugs thing just to find out a little history. He has never injected and has only taken heroin once, it made him sick as a dog. But he has been around it, his mum's cousin used to be an addict and he had to go and visit him when he was younger. Mostly it was just coke that he took but he hasn't taken anything since he left the UK. His Dad died when he was young and it has left him with a lot of issues. I'm not taking them on though, I just wanted facts from him.
On the exh thing, I have just decided that I don't want to reply, there is really nothing I can say (other than I think he's an idiot!) so it is probably better to say nothing at all. And I just want no more contact, that part of my life is done.
Lea - I read your thread our sitches are very similar. Do you have a current one, I'd so love to know more about life after d and how you got your confidence back, if you don't mind sharing, your post was very reassuring.
Al - you took the words right out of my mouth about exh!
Re the drugs thing, I know it is a no go. I thought it was just a bit of weed, which my brother-in-law smokes regularly and he and my sister have a great relationship. The harder stuff freaks me out.
Now I have to try and work out how to get tested in Australia and how on earth I am going to afford it! There goes my travel savings for one stupid night!
Do they have free clinics available? I don't know how that works when you aren't a citizen but it wouldn't hurt to check. I hope you can get that all sorted out soon.
Big hugs. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Julia, I feel for you, I've been there hun! If he didnt inject (although he could be fibbing, as it is a shameful thing to admit to).. then chances are you are at very low risk. From what I remember, the serious diseases can take 3 months to show up, so you'd have to get retested anyway. As for STD's, I caught GH off an ex and that took a month to show up (and they swab you for it, so they wouldnt have been able to tell before hand). But we did use a condom, so hey, it can happen even when you are being sensible!
I thought.. "Aaahhh.. " when you said his Dad died young. All my unhappy/toker ex's all had absent fathers. The worst was the guy whose Dad left when he was 2. Major abondonment issues. That kind of thing takes a lot of therapy and this guy sounds like he is stuck in child mode, wanting to blot out some pain. I was always the 'rescuer' type, so I was like a moth to the flame for those types of guys. They certainly can be very alluring in their wounded moodiness..! Like someone said.. Listen to what he's really saying?
I'm with you.. Lea, do you have a thread, or are you on the Alt universe??
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((Cas))) Thank you, I was really struggling to find that! How are you?
(((Ali))) Yeah, I agree with all you've said. I really appreciate you being here
Last night we had a talk about what happens after staying in Port, and he is going on a road trip with his mate and I'm not sure what I am doing. I'm thinking I could just enjoy myself for another month with him and then we go our separate ways. Apart from the other night, and my own insecurities, we have a lot of fun together. I'm learning quite a lot about myself too, so perhaps I just enjoy this fling, but be totally safe in the future. No more 'accidents'!
He also told me that something had changed for him a week ago, he liked me before but now he *really* likes me.
Hi Julia, I'm doing well. Work is busy as always and study is taking care of any spare time I have. Haven't done too much lately except a few trips to Melbourne. Give me a call or text if you want to venture back down this way again. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.
) and ill with a cold (why does that always happen when I get exh news???).