She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[rysmom]

hi eric,
sorry to interrupt. but i desperately need advice.
I went to my sons high school tonight for the college information night. I emailed h today and told him about it because this is an important time in my sons life. My h came to the meeting and sat 1 row behind me 5 seats away. I was a nervous wreck trying to look happy and confident. I said hi and that was it.
I called my lawyer today because m h bought a 30,000 car last week, now he has 2 cars. I am really worried about my financial future. My h now doesnt have any money to give me for bills. My attorney said I should file it is the only way to protect myself financially. I dont know what to do.
I havnt spoken to my h in 1 mos. which is the longest ever for me and Im having panic attacks.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed, sorry for the hijack.

Rysmom,

First I can only give you advice based on what you have written at the end of the day it is YOU that must decide what is best for you and your family.

First things first...your scared shi*less and that is no way to live your life. So calm down and calm down now. Have a glass a wine, chill out for a second.

The fact that your H is sitting away from you is normal. In his mind it is over. And honestly that is the way you need to act. The old M must die in order for a new one to be born. Also, no one can ensure that your H may come back. Let me ask you a question...

Do you want a man that is scared or one that is confident?
Do you want a partner that is secure in himself or one that is nervous wreak?

I was a nervous wreck trying to look happy and confident

You can only LOOK it if YOU FEEL IT. Tricks will not work. Acting like you are happy can only go so far. You need to find YOUR happiness. Find it on YOUR own - cause right now he can't and actually should never GIVE you YOUR happiness. That is way too much pressure for any one person. So please Rysmom, find something to make you happy.

Now on to the financial stuff...

If YOUR H is not giving you a dime and YOU NEED the money in order to live and support you and your child then I say file a child support claim against him.

Sometime we need to listen to our attorney's...

Rysmom, this needs to become about YOU and YOUR son..and no longer about YOUR H.

So, here is what I suggest...

Write down what your household bills are (in detail)
Things like how much do you spend on food, electricity, child activities, etc.
Determine how much money you will need to maintain a life for you and your son.
Then...apply your income and see where you are short. If the amount is reasonable, I would ask your H to begin to pay this...

He can either assume some of the bills directly OR he can just write a check for you.

If he agrees then really you do not need to file.

Whatever you do...rysmom...the most important thing for YOU right now is to face that fear. Look that f*cker right in the face - stare it down and face it.

You can do this chit...now put on a pair of big girl panties...and face this.

I got ya back!

God Bless,
Eric

Oh...and please have that glass of wine and relax.

[crushednstuck]

No worries. You on call tonight?

I read the post from robx and there are some sobering thoughts which I've read before. However, having them consolidated seems to give them more weight.

I'm on board with all of it up until the "Respect your WAS's decision to leave you" blast. H*ll no. Put the pipe down. I'll acknowledge my role in it, I'll own up and take responsibility for actions which pushed her away. I agree it's within her right to do it. She can rightfully justify some of the feelings which led her there. But I'll be d*mned if I respect her decision to do it.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

So she must respect YOUR?

Think about that for a sec..

Let me ask you something...

Respect

What must she do that she wants to do to show you respect?

How do you receive respect?

Is it expected?

Is it given freely or only given if received?

I'm going to get a beer be back in a sec.

[rysmom]

Thanks Eric. You always have something wise and encouraging to say. Sorry for the hijack crushednstuck.

[crushednstuck]

Not sure what you're gettin at..

Of course, typically respect is earned. No one's entitled to it. There ought to be some degree of it in a healthy R.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

So if no one is entitled to it...they have to "earn it"?

Okay I can see that..

What if YOUR W feels the same way? She needs someone to "earn it".

How do you think she may need YOU to earn it?

Eric

[crushednstuck]

I'm OK with resetting the "trust" clock. She's got to be fairly sure she won't get those same old feelings again. Respect is earned when we live up to our promises - when we do what we say, when we lead from the front. Meeting mutually agreed upon expectations builds respect.
My objection to robx's post is that I will never "respect" her decision to have an affair.

[PEI]

But I'll be d*mned if I respect her decision to do it.

CNS ... you don't need to respect her DECISION, but you should respect her RIGHT to make it, IMO of course.

PEI

[punkin]

CNS,

I agree with Pei about the difference between DECISION and RIGHT, but I also respect your position that Walking Away was the equivalent of escaping instead of facing a problem.

But, let's take into account perhaps she wasn't emotionally able to face the problem or work on it at the moment. I do respect the need for privacy, even in a marriage. A healing time, so to speak.

I'm a great one for straddling the fence on this one, aren't I?
I just really try to look at things from both, or all, perspectives. Of course, I thought that made me a great partner, obviously I missed something.