is he wrong for wanting to be by the kids, maybe you can work on it if you become willing to work on the marriage. i really do not see how you can tell him you will not work on the marriage. just me, but that make no sense to me at all. how can you expect him to be normal not knowing and the fact he wants to stay with the kids. you should be so lucky because most men would say go. the fact he wants you and the kids should indicate that he is willing to whatever it takes to resolve your family issues. ddodi, just make this work for you, you husband and the children. in that order.
I never said he was wrong in wanting to be with the kids. The question was why was I letting him make the decision. I've made my decision, I haven't left is because the kids should have both parents.
AS for him willing to do whatever it takes, this new line of events is because HE told me to proceed and go. I just want to make sure he isn't going to flip and say for me to stay after we've told the kids. Once I tell my kids, I'm out. There will be now turning back.
Originally Posted By: Walkyrie
why are you waiting for him to make the decision, so you do not have to be the bad guy? he does not want this at all apparently, so why should be make the decision? it is obvious to me he does not want to lose his family. are you wanting to take the family apart in an attempt to find your possible happiness? he is willing to work it out it appears to me. are you really willing or are you just waiting for him to get sick of you not showing or giving love?
Again, I'm not waiting on him to make a decision for me. Like I said, I've told him where I was and that I would stay so he could be near the kids. If it became too much for him to be around me while I worked through my things, we would reevaluate at that time. That's where we are.
If you've read my whole thread then you would know, I never said I wanted to leave. I've always said that where our marriage was wasn't working, that my head was all over the place and I need some time and patience so I could work things out. I then called the MC and started that. My H has pushed me to make decisions and my decision (after 5 months of being cornered) finally became it was time to go. During that time, I NEVER received the 'space' I needed.
I have asked my H for space and patience so that I can work through the things in my head. I have yet to receive either of those because I was putting him and my family ahead of what I needed. He doesn't see this.
NO SPACE--I have told him that the things there are not pleasant, in regards to him or the M, but that I felt they were also not completely true. In the beginning, I didn't want to start what I felt was the 'blame game' because I didn't want to make things worse. I didn't go over our past with him the way I felt it had gone 1) because I wasn't sure my warped brain was reliving it the way it happened 2) because my H is very sensitive and doesn't think when he initially reacts causing major damage to the M, me and I was starting to think himself. He wanted to know everything that was in my head and decided to snoop. This cause more issues that it solved and in vent or express my craziness without him finding out. He would take things out of context and literal when some of the things he would stumble on were just me dumping the toxins in my head.
NO TIME--He asks me at least once a week. 'Are you better yet?' I keep telling him, that I have major issues and that our marriage has big problems that are going to take time. He's the one that is pushing, sometimes daily, and not realizing the small growths. I get that he is fighting against the changes because we've been the same way for so long, but the way we were was killing me and I just can't go back there.
So on the flip, since you ask why if I'm willing to work on us. Well like I said, in the beginning I asked for time to get myself straightened out so I could focus on us...I didn't get it. His only verbal request was for me to pay more attention to him. He says that if I loved him then I would know all the other things he needs and he shouldn't have to tell me so he doesn't...so I'm left guessing and I'm obviously guessing wrong. The big problem in my world is what I can give, is NEVER enough. He always wants more.
But the MC has continued with me being the primary active person in the room (he tends to just say...whatever she wants I'll do). He asked that I spend more time with him and put the laptop down--so nightly after our kids are tucked away, I've done it. I've stopped the surfing/reading, which is why I don't post as much on here. But if he gets into sports (which I can't STAND), I will sit on my laptop on the couch, next to him doing my thing, but I will respond and watch good plays or ask him about the game during commercials. Not enough.
Intimacy has always been a problem for us. I have my issues and I know this so does H. I have told him that I won't do the kissing/hugging/etc until I feel it and I think that is fair. I shouldn't fake it. If he asks, I don't turn down the small things--I've held is hand while out, I've given hugs, and small pecks here and there. The 2 times I came out of my comfort zone and did something on my own, he questioned, belittled and criticized so, I hesitate again.
I really don't know what more he wants from me. I don't do anything...NOTHING outside of the home. My day is get the kids up and out, hit the gym, come home and wait for the kids to get home, cook supper/wait for H to get home and then sit, chat here and there until it is time to go to bed. The only difference on the weekends is that I don't have to get the kids up and we have been going out sometimes to do family things.
That's my life. The calls from my friends are fewer and farther in between. They know my drama and it has consumed me, who wants to be around the girl who can't stop talking about how miserable her M is but for me that's my life. I used to go out one day a month to craft with my girls but that's stopped because my heart isn't in it, plus it caused drama sometimes. I would read online stories, but that was taking time from him...so I stopped. I like TV but I watch the wrong things. So I do NOTHING.
I'm stopping now. It's crazy because this is exactly what I have to do with my H every 6 days. Every 6 days, I have to explain why I'm still here. Every 6 days, I have to explain what I'm doing. Every 6 days, I have to prove myself AGAIN. I'm so f#cking tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he wants. I don't know where to go. But everyone is looking to me to fix it.
Ok...I'm sinking. I'm done. Bye 4 now. Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
