Starting a new thread myself. Like some others, mine was deleted in the cleanup. But I know folks here are following my sitch so I thought I would update.
Brief synopsis: In July, H returned from a research trip telling me he wanted a separation. His reasons were that he didn't want to "give" to me anymore. After a month of emotional torture, I discovered OW - a former student of his who was now in Grad School with him (he's a PhD candidate) who spent the summer with him on the research trip. I knew her very well, having had lunch with her and given her rides home. She is 22 to H's 32. After exposing to his Adviser at school, I discovered he was screwing up his research as well.
He continued to deny, playing with my emotions, even starting FT with me. Finally, I put a recorder into our car when he was using it and taped 5 hours of conversation between him and OW. This is when I discovered that he was using the FT look like the "good guy" for his family and to keep me from doing more "crazy things." They trashed talked me most of the time.
I moved out of the house 4 weeks ago. Since we lived with his family, I couldn't stay there.
Now for the latest:
On Friday, October 1, I sent him the No Contact letter. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I knew I had to to protect myself because he had become emotionally abusive to me. He was using my love for him to string me along and keep my hope going when he had no intention of committing to me. I know now that he is involved in a PA, not just an EA, with OW. It feels like I've been raped.
This weekend was rough. My mom was visiting, and I was glad to have her here with me. I cried sorting coupons one morning. But then I'd get angry and remember why I have to do this.
I cried myself to sleep on Sunday as well, mourning the loss of the H I knew. He has become some sort of horrible person. I know that he will either live the rest of his life as a lier and be miserable or he will wake up from the fog one day and feel horrible for what he did. No one can live such a web of lies like he has and be happy.
He broke the No Contact request yesterday. I wondered how long it would take. He texted me during the day, saying I know we are doing "minimal contact" asking for the car so he could take it to the mechanic. I did not respond, and instead emailed his sister (our intermediary) to give my answer - that he was not getting the car again and I would take care of it. He texted me later that day (SIL hadn't given him my response yet) saying "This is ridiculous! Please talk like an adult!" If he could talk like an adult, I wouldn't have asked for NO contact.
But, finally, I am no longer playing by his rules. He is trying to ignore my boundaries once again, but I won't let it happen this time.
I had my personal therapy yesterday. We talked about how it feels to be so easily replaced by OW. That's how it feels. Actually, that's what he's doing. His whole goal it seams was to get me out by being the "nice" guy who "tried" and then slowly ease OW into the family. What he doesn't realize is that his family won't accept her, even in this way, because in the back of their minds they KNOW he is having an A with her NOW, even though they are trying to pretend they are "just friends."
But every morning is better. I am GAL, going out with friends and no longer being a doormat. I am doing 180s, exercising and taking dance classes.
Only time will tell. For now, I am healing myself. I will wait and see if the fog lifts and he sees his A for what it is. He'd better just hope that I am still waiting when that happens.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
I'm really proud of you. I wish I had done what you are doing - you are exactly right on IMO. My H strung me along for many months, even attending MC in which he didn't do anything. But I guess it made himself feel like the good guy. But all he wanted was the legal separation papers signed. The week they were signed, he told me he's not coming back, has a gf (which he had had the whole time) and is buying an airplane.
They do not respect our boundaries, they are emotionally abusive, and they do want to tell themselves and the world they are good guys. It's the MO. I finally see that now. YOu are strong and I support you 100%.
I haven't written a NC letter - because I haven't sorted out stuff with our child. ONce the legal protective order is in place (which is as hard for me as your NC letter was) I'll know he can't manipulate me on that and I may consider the letter.
Anyhow, keep strong you are doing the right thing. I am amazed how much I feel emotionally and mentally better when I don't talk to or see him. I can finally think my own thoughts, feel my own feelings without him and OW invading my soul.
They do not respect our boundaries, they are emotionally abusive, and they do want to tell themselves and the world they are good guys. It's the MO. I finally see that now. YOu are strong and I support you 100%.
Yes, exactly. They can beat their chest like a martyr and say 'I tried, but it was ALL YOUR FAULT'.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Jin, is there any way you can block his phone number(s) and e-mail(s)? I know w/certain carriers, you can program in a bunch of #'s. I did that w/H & OW.
I tested it out w/a friend. He said he got a mssg that said call couldn't be completed due to restrictions and there wasn't an option of leaving a mssg.
Obviously, he isn't going to respect your request for NC. I'd block him, or if feasible, just get a new #.
Hang in there, you are on the right path.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I can't block email but I have set up my email so that if he emails me it skips the inbox and goes to a folder I created. I can set it up to go straight to the trash, but I think I may need to check what kind of emails he might send. He hasn't sent me emails at all, though. Actually, he never really sent me emails.
I have blocked him from my gmail IM.
If I have to, I can pay for parental controls on my cell and block his phone.
He's proving to be a wimp, though. Since the 2 texts on Tuesday, nothing.
I have one last financial thing to deal with with him, though some of me thinks I need to wait and talk to a lawyer. We'll see. Mostly, I don't think I can rely on him to be an adult about it, but I also don't want some crap about not warning him.
Need to get together with SIL. I will call her today.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
Jin, don't under estimate your H. He's not being a wimp. He just doesn't want anything right now. During our separation, my H only called, texted, etc me when HE wanted something from me. Once he got his answer was completely happy to comply with NC.
Meditate on the reason for the way you're doing the no contact. I don't happen to agree with the way that others on this forum have recommended doing it in the past. If you want to try to save your M, there are other ways to handle it that may have better results.
By the way, I always recommend reading Relationship Rescue. I don't know if I've mentioned that to you before. It pairs very well with DB and DR. And, you can implement the methods in the book without your H's cooperation. It also helps you know what you need in a healthy relationship so you can decide if this one is savable.
Hey Jin. u r doing great. crazy how the forum went down. u r on the right track. i have read Sandi's posts and she was a WAS herself. i remember her saying how she DID wake up one day. ur H will do the same. unfortunately u cannot predict WHEN that might occur however.
i can totally sympathize about the tears. was doing the same in church bc was going to mass sometimes daily and trying to make heads or tails of the whole sitch. would cry randomly, even in the car. this certainly coincides w/ idea of situational or reactive depr (not true bipolar disorder or the true type of depression). easy to say sure, and harder to live thru.
u have set a goal for yourself. importanly u r GAL. have that party! no contact is the way to go. Tupy totally makes sense. the attachment IS there. he is living a dream. it will not last.
bluestar, right now, going dark is to figure out what I want. WH was so emotionally abusive to me every time I spoke with him that I needed to separate myself from him completely. I will look into that book, though. Thanks.
SMM, I am starting to wonder if WH will ever turn around. The lie is too big now. He is ruining everything in his life. He is going to become like his two uncles who have never lived on their own, never taken care of themselves. WH never did that, either. Went from living at home to living with me, then both of us in his family's house. When he felt me pushing to move forward in life, he totally freaked and destroyed it all.
It's my friend's birthday tomorrow, and a bunch of us are going out to celebrate! I am looking forward to a chance to let loose a bit.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
hey Jin. agree w/ going dark. makes too much sense. u r doing what u need to do for u.
i know it seems as if ur H will never turn around but is too soon to say. sure the EA/PA has been going on for a good amount of time but overall u cannot come to conclusion just yet that all is lost. funny enough am listening to Adam Lambert's song "what do you want from me?" in the background. the lyrics dont necessarily fit ur sitch but the title of the song says it all.
He has some growing up to do, that is clear. u get the true measure of a person in how they respond to adversity. u r rising to the challenge. ur H? clueless bc he doesn't even realize that he is even being challenged. but he will. wait. he WILL wake up and be shocked at what he has wrought. guarantee.
be well. enjoy going out. u r in NYC! cant find a bad place to hang out. i remember. it was not long ago that i lived there. born and raised there actually. u r a fount of strength and are fighting for the right cause.
Jin, found your post! Once again, I find myself completely relating to you. Are you sure we aren't married to the same man?
My WH is 45 and did the exact thing, living at home through college, moving in with his first W, then me, now OW. She isn't "living" there technically, but she moved back in with her parents when she left her H and is staying there the nights he doesn't have his kids or she has hers.
I fear that they won't wake up, but it's incumbent upon us to move forward in GAL, fix things we don't like about ourselves (or they didn't like that hold merit) and get our lives to an emotional place of stability.
The A our WH are having are unresolved issues they have. I know we both know it's not our fault. However, we can hope that while we are working on ourselves they will do the same. My biggest fear is that my H will fix himself while he's with her and she will get my happily ever after.
You are doing great! The NC has been helpful for me to gain the strength I've needed to get in a better place emotionally. I remember the days of crying over nothing, beating my steering wheel randomly while driving and getting lost in thoughts of H and OW. I don't cry often anymore. I only beat the steering wheel to the beat of songs (I do use pandora so I have control over what songs I hear because it's amazing how songs can take you back) and I've busied myself and found that I can go long periods of time w/out thinking about THEM.
I am still only in contact via email and ONLY regarding our S. I've told him all other correspondence needs to go through L.
I'm proud of you! You are a class act! You deserve to be treated as such!
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
