Future, (I refuse to use the initials for your username laugh )
you have done a good analysis. So Learn from this and change your dang behavior. Stop reinforcing the decision to divorce. Don't commit to it, but don't argue with her either. Let her discover the will to rediscover (which is what "retrovaille" means, literally) the marriage.
No more OM questions. Sure SOMEDAY if you do reconcile, get some answers but only after you are on surer footing. I don't want to rub your face in your mistakes, you know them. But I suggest you make a list of "To DO" along with the list of "Don'ts"...as in, when you two are comfortable with each other,DO stay in that moment and enjoy it. Don't comment on it (=pursuit) unless she does and then validate what she says. NO pushing. Teasing and flirting are fine, if the moment calls for it. But enough of the pushing when she's clearly on the fence. You're pushing her off. The mc meeting she had brought up some of her old doubts. You reminded her of those doubts. Leave those behind. People change. Show her that you have changed or she'll never believe that marriage between you two can be better than before, and even you must realize it needs to be better, right?
She says the other country represents more than OM to her. Believe her. Are there other ways she can meet some of the needs it provides without going there? (Cuisine? Similar topagraphy or religion or whatever??) For now, it's not your problem. Your life is your responsibility now without obsessing about your w and you are doing so much mind reading. Not helpful. Counterproductive really. My DB coach was great. Here's what she told me and maybe it'll help some of your sitch. 1) Lose the anger, at least in front of her. She does NOT need to see it. She surely knows you are angry and if there's never going to be a way to get past your anger, you two are better off divorced....seriously. (NOTE As an LBSer myself, I admit now that one huge obstacle to recon is our own resistance to losing the anger we feel entitled to. Maybe we ARE ENTITLED to it, but is it helpful? Not so much. Hardest lesson of all this for me was letting go of the past errors even though I didn't know if my h fully understood how much pain and unfair damage he'd done to our family. I will never know if he does. And so? Do we end the marriages even though they want back in, b/c we don't think they've suffered enough?
2) Be upbeat, GAL with a PMA as much as possible. Give her something to miss. The new you is "busy meeting interesting people, going to exciting places and doing fun fascinating things!!" cool This is the new you to whom she'd be married and therefore, the marriage would be the improved version! You're bringing a lot to the table; even more than before. Show your confidence and that you are a great catch. Many women do appreciate their men more when they realize other women appreciate them. Childish? Sure. Do men do it too? Heck yes...oh well. (A little mystery would not hurt either)
3) Really be WITH your kids. Fully present and not preoccupied with how your wife is feelign or what she's doing or will think, etc but just lovingly interacting with your kids. NO MOTHER IS UNMOVED by the loving interaction of her children with their father. (She pretty much verified that for you too). Use that.
