The forum shuts down for a week and all h*ll breaks loose in my sitch.
I went out to dinner with W on Sunday night, and we had a great time. I maintained better boundaries this time though, and other than a little goodbye making out, kept it to just talk. The next day she texts me that she wants to meet me for a drink. We arrange a time, and when I get there, I can tell she's in an odd mood. She starts telling me about her session with our MC today. About how she's not sure she can ever find someone she can be with. About how she feels like her comfort zone for men is so narrow as to be impossible. I validate and support her, and tease her a little. We get closer and closer, and eventually we're enthusiastically talking about Retrouvaille. She expresses regret and sensitivity about how her relationship with OM's country must hurt me. She tries to reassure me that her feelings for that country go far beyond anything to do with him, but she asks me if I'd prefer if she puts all the stuff from OM's country away. I said it would be good, at least for a while.
She very sincerely apologized for the hurt she's caused me. She said she was asked to have coffee with a old friend of ours, whose wife died a few years ago, and she said that although it is nothing but a friendly gettogether, she asked if I'd rather she cancelled it and didn't go. I said "The fact that you brought it up probably means you should cancel it." She smiled and said "Ok."
Some talk of OM did come up. She said our reconciliation attempts earlier in the summer were derailed because she was still grieving OM, then she said "Actually, I was grieving what I THOUGHT that relationship was. I was convinced you could never love me as much as him."
It was going so well, out of nowhere. I thought this is my chance to get her to hopefully give the answer to a question I needed to ask. I said "W, you've told me how much you loved him, and he loved you, so I have to ask, what's the problem?" Without blinking an eye, she answered back "He won't move here." Definitely not the answer I was looking for.
The entire conversation pivoted. I felt like an idiot. I said "I was afraid you were going to say that, there's nothing else for us to talk about" and I got up to leave. She stopped me and said "No! Don't." I sat back down. I said "So because he won't move here, you might as well try to patch up your marriage." She said "No, it's more than that." I was getting extremely defensive. I said "W, why won't he move here?" She said "Because he doesn't love me enough." I said "W, he broke up with you after every time you went to see him." She looked surprised, and denied it. Then I said "W, you had a leak (as in an information leak)." She looked horrified, and said "Who was it? It was either X or Y. Who was it? Now I don't feel like I can trust anyone." I said "It wasn't anyone. You were the leak. I could see it in you each time."
She was getting angry, and started to defend him, saying I don't understand. I should have STOPPED, but my anger took over. She said "He loved me in a way you never did." I said "W, he didn't love you. He used you, and you kept throwing yourself at him." She said "Ok, so now I'm dealing with ugly and angry H, ok. I'm still not bailing on this, but I have to stop this now."
Of course I didn't stop, because I'm a moron. I started in on how her claims that our M were over before she got involved with OM were bunk, and I recounted several stories about how she reached out to me, while professing her love for him. I said "So when were we over during all this?" She denied it all, and got angrier. I said "What would you do if he walked in here right now?" She said "I don't know." I said "Maybe you should find out." She said "How can I find out?" I said "That's not my problem."
We left, and she started crying in her car. She said "I'm never going to open myself up to anyone again." My anger was gone, and I said "W, I had to get that stuff out. I had to." She closed the door to her car and drove away.
I did send her a conciliatory e-mail today, saying how that stuff had been inside me for so long, and how I felt like if we were to have any hope, I needed to get it out. I told her I was angry because I hated myself at not being stronger and forcing her to make a clear decision. I told her I wasn't in a position to comment on what her relationship with OM meant because it was impossible for me to be objective about it.
She responded tonight with an e-mail that told me she forgave me, but how our conversation proved it doesn't work between us, and there was nowhere to go.
I called her tonight, and agreed that it wasn't working. I said there was nothing left to do except to get divorced. She agreed. We did go around a few times, without anger, about what was said last night. I asked her "How can I consider you're serious about reconciliation when you say the only reason you're not with him is because he won't move here." She said "Because that's not the only reason." I said "You didn't give any other reasons last night." She said "I was feeling attacked." I said "I asked that question before our talk turned bad. In fact, we were doing so well, I thought this was a chance to ask that question, and put it to bed for good, but the answer you gave was not compatible with reconciliation." She said "You didn't care how I felt, I opened myself up, and you attacked me. I don't know exactly what was said when, and I'm not interested in disecting the conversation. You did what you've done so many times before, which is roll over me with your anger. I'm done, I can't do this anymore." I said "Ok." We both got sad, and she said "The only thing that matters now is the kids." I said "Ok, I guess that's it." She said "Let's agree never to break each other's heart again, ok?" I said "Ok." Then she said "H, look at all we've been through, and how I've hung in trying to get this to work between us. Do you really think there isn't another reason why I'm not with him?" I said "Why didn't you say that last night? That was exactly what I was looking for." She gave no answer.
We agreed to hire a lawyer to draft up the no fault divorce papers. Although I don't entirely believe this is over, I feel awful. I went on autopilot. When she started defending her A, and OM, lost it. Although I feel I screwed up, she needed to be able to see my anger without bailing on us, if we are to have any chance to reconcile.
Just because it's easier to read your last post and the related posts that followed.
