Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

My Newcomers thread.

Here is the summary. I'm living overseas for another month. Wife calls in late august from home "I had sex with another guy". I freak out. Go dark. She falls into OMs arms.

For the last month I've been back in the states, working on things. The affair continues. We make progress. Go to counseling. W is distraught. She has HUGE guilt over being an adulterer and being the cause of the collapse of two, however rocky, marriages. She says she has been unhappy for "years".

With the support of our MC, W wants 30 days to detox so that she is making no decisions out of pain, and guilt. She lusts for the OM, but loves me. She wonders aloud to me "what if I really do love him?"

Today I fly back overseas. I will resign my job and begin moving back to the states. This is independent of the M. It was the plan all along. What wasing in the plan was that I'd not be moving in with my W. I don't know where I will move to. W is in one state, friends and family in another. I have no reason to move to W's state except her. In another 30 days I can return to the U.S.

She is not pushing for a D but "understands if I need to".

So. We're "separated". I don't even know what that means. I want to reconcile. I think there is a small but real chance, but the ball is in her court. I've agreed the 30 day time out. I know many would give me the advice that I man up or "kick her to the curb" or say "I won't live in an open marriage". I've tried those things. I need to start moving on and filing for D seems like the next step.

A miracle could happen. She could decide that she wants to try. Even then while I can forgive the affair, I don't know if she respects me. Loves me? Yes. Respects me? So even then I don't know if it could work.

What do I do?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Parts,

You're on a Divorce Busting site, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you don't REALLY want a divorce.

Speaking as a Left Behind Spouse (LBS) while my wife had a Mid-Life Crisis (MLC) and fukced my friend (OM), I can tell you that this miracle you speak of does happen.

But it is not out of the blue.

It takes work, patience, empathy, understanding and your ability to forgive. Strangely on both parties part.

That ball you think is in her court? Really isn't. It is in yours. The ball and court is a game reference and while aspects of this play like a game this is far from a game.

[NotFromThesePart]

Thanks.

For the next 30 days, the ball is in her court. We have been working on things and made a little progress. She told me "I see the effort you are making and it is touching" and "I was shocked by how hard you are working to save this marriage". She is working with a MC to end the affair. The MC says "I don't feel that she's ready to ask you for a divorce" and "I'm still optimistic, but I'm no psychic..."

She asked for 30 days to clear her head. I'm giving it to her. The 8000 miles of distance between us will make that easier for me, though I'm sure it will seems like years. She knows I'm 99% gone, that she has to make the next move during that time or I'm gone. The delay of game penalty is huge.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Parts,

Fine I'm not going to convince otherwise of the ball thing. : )

I will say that setting a deadline...usually turns out badly, unless you want a divorce.

Check out the books Divorce Busting Divorce Remedy...

and out on another limb...

Marriage problems usually involve two people, you got any faults you brought to the table but forgot to mention?

[Forrest Gump]

"For the next 30 days, the ball is in her court."

I think that ball is in your court.

This is why...

"We have been working on things and made a little progress. "

Explain.. or define the "progress".

"Marriage problems usually involve two people, you got any faults you brought to the table but forgot to mention?"

I like answering questions...

"8000 miles of distance... I'm 99% gone."

[NotFromThesePart]

I will say that setting a deadline...usually turns out badly, unless you want a divorce.

Yes I agree. The 30 day deadline is complex. She specifically asked for it and I said OK. By coincidence it is corresponds to a major event in my life too. I work over seas. 8000 miles from home. I've been away from my wife for 4 months while she she been pulling away and having an affair. in 30 days my contract/commitment is up. I will be coming back to the U.S. I can go live near her, where I have no other friends or family and jobs are hard to come by. Or I can move back to where my family is. They have been very supportive of me through this. So I have a choice to make.

I don't need her to be 100% sure. I see my HUGE role in the current situation. I'm working on myself and she sees it. She has told me as much. But I need something from her.

She started an affair with her boss. She sees that is is "very unlikely to work out" and that "I overlook tons of things in him" that "he is fat", which is something she complained that I was, until she sees who she is with now. Now she says to me "you look good". She "loves me". I get a lot of positive signs. If she can't end the affair and begin to work on things. . . . .How long do I wait. I've got a real decision to make. Life is getting in the way.

Marriage problems usually involve two people, you got any faults you brought to the table but forgot to mention?

Tons I've been controlling and neglectful. I treated her like a father rather than a partner. To my own credit I still feel like I did it for good reasons (finances, stability, careers etc.). I felt like I was building a loving supportive foundation for us. But that is not what she wanted. She wanted to be listened to, admired, loved. I get it now.

I'm the classic "nice guy" and I need to let it go. Be confident enough in myself to let her be herself.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

They way I see it you can move back home to your be near your wife, or you can move back "home" to be near your family.

One means your working on your marriage, the other means your ending it.

[NotFromThesePart]

Tough medicine. At this point I feel like she has to do something. She has given a lot of hints. The counselor says she doens't think my W is ready to D me. I think my W IS trying to end the affair. She at least has said she'd have minimal contacnt with him during that 30 days. It is hard because they work very closely together. W says OM is trying to find another job.

What I was is "I'm ready to try". Should "I made it 30 days w/o the OM" be enough for me?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Parts,

You feel like your wife needs to do something...

You're here she isn't.

Look I am a huge advocate of Divorce Busting.

If you feel you need to put the bare minimum in to feel better about trying to save your marriage, then consider that done.

However, it is going to take alot more work than that if you really came here to see if it could be done.

This place is about the 'chance' to save your marriage, there are no guarentees. IF you think your marriage is worth the fight, then by all means fight for it, but to say 30 days or else, get used to the 'else' idea.

About your marriage, I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince a guy who took vows of love in front of his friends and family to be married, that should be coming from that guy.

If I seem harsh?
Its because it seems like you already made up your mind.

[NotFromThesePart]

JTB,

Thanks. I need this. All my friends and family tell me "W is really screwed up", "You need to be where your support system is" . . . Blah blah blah. I know they mean well, and just want the pain to stop. They are biased, but THEY are here for me now, and W isn't.

The 30 days thing is W'd idea. She says "I know something will chage, it has to." But I really don't expect it to. If nothing happens, moving to her city feels like the ultimate in pursuing.

Maybe that is good. It is against all the rules here, but she did tell me a few days ago "The most surprising thing in all of this is how much work you are putting in to save this marraiage". For years she told me (if only, I'd listened) "I think if we split up you'll replace me in a couple of months". At least she has started to see how much she means to me.

I realized the other day that if I were living in the same city/state as my W, I wouldn't feel the sense of urgency I do. She gives me tons of signs that she is still connected. The counselor does too.

Right now I'm really looking for jobs in Denver, my W's city. If I can find one while I'm still abroad, I wouldn't have to move in with her for a few weeks, just to move out again. That would make things easier.

Thanks again. Your tone is very helpful, calm, cool collected, but firm. That's what I'm trying to be.