Where Does the WAW go--Take 2

[Doodi]

doodi,
he needs to know what is going on in your head, the honesty because he sounds very confused and scared and obviously does not know about DB or else i can assume he would try it. but what do you want him to do? do you want him to tell you to walk? i doubt that and besides it sounds like you guys do have love your both just hesitant in letting the other know it. a leap of faith needs to be made by both of you. i would think he is trying to give you what he thinks you want. he does not want it and is probably trying to give you what he thinks you want.

I have told him over and over and over. I don't know if you know my whole story or not but I didn't start talking about leaving until he kept forcing me to make decisions. I have told him that I believe there is still love in my heart but the walls I've built are high. I have told him that I don't trust him with my emotions. I have told him all the horrors in my brain (against my better judgment at times) and he still questions me.

He admitted once that he starts these arguments to force me to say ILY or that I care. And I have to admit that I fall for it everytime. I'm so worried about being the bad guy. I'm so worried about trying to get him to validate what I'm saying to just see my side of things that eventually I lose control. Then I get mad at myself for allowing the situation to get so out of control.

I feel like I go through this every week. I told him out our last MC that it was every 6 days, he'd tell me that we're done and that it was time to proceed. Next would come the tears, fussing, defending, explaining and finally submitting. I would agree that I'd proceed and then he would change his mind again. As I type this I realize he broke the 6 day pattern...it's been 9 days this time (but he's not here right now).

I will admit that I am not SURE that the love is there but we have been together for 20+ yrs there has to be, doesn't there. That's what my brain keeps telling me. The only constant identifiable emotion is FEAR. Not always fear as in physical just fear of the unknown, fear of the roller-coaster, fear of losing control, etc.

I try to keep control over myself but I always get played like a fiddle. He can manipulate me so easily and I never see it until I'm alone and thinking things over. You know the drill 20/20 hindsight.