Setting myself free from a relationship that doesn't, and hasn't (for years) met my needs.
When I was young (teens and 20s) I would always find myself attracted to unavailable women. I mean, women who were involved, women out of my league. Yeah, read into that as you should, it's a pretty common thing for people with low self esteem. When I met my wife, I was confident as hell that she'd go out with me. I was persistent as can be, and eventually she gave me a chance. She was smart, sexy, funny, and everything I dreamt of in a wife. Felt like I was normal.
Hell, I have no idea where I was going with that...
Now I feel like staying in a loveless marriage, on the vaguest of vague hopes that time will wear her down, that she'll just have to fall back in love with me is more of that low self-esteem behaviour I used to do.
I have thought of the exact same words. And before I thought of these words I had heard those words from my H. Loud and clear. With determination that was scary. He had told his lover the exact same words and she used them in every chance she got when she was trying to convince him he would settle with me.
We are now reconciling.I know it's a different sitch but it's also a very fruitless argument, IMO. "Ifs" and "what ifs". Yes, OK. In Greek we say "if my grandmom had b@lls, she would be my grandad". But life doenst work this way.
You DO have kids. And although it's not THE reason to stay with a person you dont love, it's a good enough basis to explore possibilities. Feelings change? Heck YES! Most of us started off our mariages feeling loved and in love, attracted, attractive, admired and admiring. And all those feelings changed over time. And they can change again. In general. Can your wife's feelings change?
Well, I havent read much but she sure doenst sound like she is happy wit HER current state.
IMHO, you have hit this phase where she feels she should have other feelings and she is discouraged. She feels guilty and wrong. And she is no "killer". IMHO, you need separation. Staying in that sitch for so long, stagnating, kills hope and makes change look impossible. To you and to her.
Dont rationalise your decision. Do not rewrite history. You dont need to convince yourself, or do you? K
I have to apologise for not reading your thread. Forget the post if I am wayyy off...
I have to add something. Us LBSs, when we "lose" the "sick need" for our WASs because we have to and we finally detach, think we stopped loving them. When you confuse need for love for years, and suddenly your dont need them to exist, in our heads, sometimes, that equals to a dead love. And sometimes we realise we were wrong. I did.
Yeah, I looked at it. Seemed more like an advanced MC though. W wasn't interested at the time. I'm sure if I asked W to go, she would. But here's the thing, right now she'd be going to save our "marriage" not because she wants to be with me. Maybe I'm splitting hairs, maybe I'm expecting too much too fast. Maybe I'm just really pissed off about her comment about what she'd do if we didn't have kids.
Dont rationalise your decision. Do not rewrite history. You dont need to convince yourself, or do you? K
I have to apologise for not reading your thread. Forget the post if I am wayyy off...
I definitely am trying to reassure myself I'm doing the right thing. For me, for my daughters, and even a little bit for my W. Almost as much as I want to be happy, I want her to be happy.
I have thought of the exact same words. And before I thought of these words I had heard those words from my H. Loud and clear. With determination that was scary. He had told his lover the exact same words and she used them in every chance she got when she was trying to convince him he would settle with me.
Maybe I'm just really pissed off about her comment about what she'd do if we didn't have kids.
Yes, it appears from my POV you are angry about it. So are you disengaging or detached? Next time agree with her.
You still have expectations. Let her go, give her what she wants, take all the pressure off her, give yourself a break. Stop pulling the load on your end. She starts to pursue you when you do this, do what works.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
