Well I think I am understanding the phrase "get yourself a box of popcorn and watch the show."
My daughter found out last evening that OW is posting all kinds of stuff on her fb account. She is saying how her daughters "adore" my H, and her granddaughters too. How "amazing" my H is. How good she looks in her (leathers) especially her chaps...yuck. And they go riding on the bike. They went to a function and were "Lord and Lady(our last name)." She is nuts! I don't think H has a clue. So I was thinking, could this be "the show? " Should I get the box of popcorn?
It hurts to hear the stuff about her daughters and H. My girls are hurt, as many are. Especially since he said that they only call him when they want something. It is actually the other way around. They were so close to him. They could talk to him about anything.
I am thinking she is doing this because she is not getting anything from me. I don't look at her fb and I don't respond to anything I hear. I can't believe how aggressively public she is. H is still trying to hide - again she is blabbing.
I have some questions I have been thinking on a few days. I was wondering about sending an email to my b-i-l and s-i-l, (H brother)to tell them H has filed on me. I want to tell them I will always think of them and consider them family. I want them to know this and hope they will feel the same towards me. I don't think they know about divorce stuff. Or OW. Or should I not do that ? It is the same with m-i-l, she may know of d filed, but I am not sure. Should she know about OW and affair. Or is it best to leave it be and let H deal with it.
And- I am NC with H. Only met him recently to discuss finances. Went NC again. H sent a text a couple nights ago stating he could not be here on his regular day, and H asked if it was okay if he came on Thursday instead. I told him it would be fine to come on Thursday. I got a "Thankyou" back from him. Two words- I couldn't believe it! My question is, should I keep to NC and be away from here as usual, or can I be here at house, but working outside? Just stay away from him? I mean I don't want to ruin the pattern of NC either. Advice?
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
I was wondering about sending an email to my b-i-l and s-i-l, (H brother)to tell them H has filed on me. I want to tell them I will always think of them and consider them family. I want them to know this and hope they will feel the same towards me.
Personally I would not mention the D to the inlaws. If the R between you and the in-laws was close, then I think it is okay to reach out and let them know that you were thinking of them.
As much as you want your in-laws to snap some sense into him - it will not work.
NC is for YOU in most cases. It is not to be used as a punishment for your H's bad behavior. If YOU feel that you can manage to see him and YOU want to stay home...well them stay home.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well I did stay home and I mowed the lawn. H came and was surprised to see me here. I am having an awful time right now with my emotions. H had some paper for me and spoke to me instead of leaving it. This was nice. It was basically going over the same things we talked about before. Division of some things. And H told me he wasn't leaving me to fend for myself with divorce.
He will pay for house and such. I am grateful for that. But then he spoke about me getting married again in the future with no remorse or feeling of loss. I think that was what sparked the emotions. How he could say that so nonchalantly. I said, "I am not getting married again."
I thought I was going to be stronger after he left this time. It makes me so mad I get all emotional. Not in front of him of course. But I do have to fight back tears as he talks about the things in the house he wants to take. I wanted to ask him why he was in such a hurry to divorce me. But I didn't. I think my Higher Power was looking out for me.
I did say to him in reply to something he said about divorce and situation. I said, "I have been forced into all of this for the past 2 years, that I did not have a choice in any of it." He nodded his head yes. When he was leaving I asked if he was going to be here on his regular day next week. He said yes he would be. Also said he would let me know if he was not going to be here. That is the first time in close to 2 years he has offered to do that.
He also left some money for daughters. He has made them feel bad for asking for anything from him. They were in serious financial trouble over summer so I helped them as best I could. They don't want to ask him for help as he said they only call him when they need something. He was sick of it. Right. Not sick of needy OW though.
But then he asks me if I would please let him know about phone calls he gets from business office of hospital, concerning bills. I thought, well, why do you not have them call your cell phone? Why does your mail come here? And a friend was here to pick up something H was selling and an old friend came with the person. The old friend asked me if he was in the house taking a nap? WTF? This person knows about the situation I believe. I thought he was someone that was supporting H in his mlc thinking and him leaving his family. I guess he doesn't know the whole story.
I am feeling like H will not be back. I keep thinking he is doing all the stuff for the divorce so it is easy and gets done quickly. I wonder if he is going to marry OW. I feel like he is really not having any love at all for me. I know it is coming from an ill mlc mind. He just about runs when he is here and can't go fast enough. I am sure form guilt and the wanting to run away from it all.
I told him I was having a very difficult time with the paperwork sent by lawyer. I told him I did not have the information I was asked. H said that I did not have to fill it out. He spooke to lawyer. He said he thought he told me. I said "no, you did not." He apologized for not telling me and for having to wrack my brains trying to fill it out. Well that was a surpirse! An apology! Have not had one of those in a very long time.
Well I have rambled long enough. I am feeeling better. It helped to write it out. It is nice to have a place to vent. Thanks!
But then he asks me if I would please let him know about phone calls he gets from business office of hospital, concerning bills. I thought, well, why do you not have them call your cell phone? Why does your mail come here? And A friend was here to pick up something H as selling and an old friend came with the person. The friend asked me if he was in the house taking a nap? WTF? This person knows about the situation I believe. I thought he was someone that was supporting H in his mlc thinking and him leaving his family. I guess he doesn't know the whole story.
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
So...what did YOU learn about YOU from today's encounter?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I would not mention the D to your H's family...first of all, your H may change his mind (really) or forget he filed as those absent-minded MLCer's do somethimes!:) Let your H be the one to tell them and own the situation! In fact, don't even talk to him about it unless he brings it up!
Your H may or may not be back...try not to dwell on that part of this cause you have no control over it!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I will not tell my in-laws about it, he can. I don't want to take on his responsibility of it.
I don't know what my problem is with detachment? I think I am doing really well with it, but then I get moments like this. I don't know if it is because I see him or what. I sat for about and hour and a half outside on my porch swing, and read on detachment AGAIN. I don't get why I have such a hard time. I was, however, very inspired to do some art about it, which I will atempt.
I don't know if it is my energy is so low in spirit, my having fear about it, etc? I mean i sit and tell myself, this man is sleeping with another woman, he took his love for me away and he abandoned us. I should be so angry with him I could kick him in his junk.
So I guess I meditate on it, pray on it.
Eric-
I look at detachment as removing myself from being involved from the chaos of a person or a situation. I don't get tangled up in reacting to things person says or does. I don't dwell on it. I remove myself from their responsibilities. I do not try to control the person or situation.
I know I have no control over the person or situation. It is about action, implmenting detachment. the how. I was doing well. My D25 even said I had detached. Then I slip. AHHH!
I also realized while on the swing, that I feel like there is no chance for me, like it is competing with OW. He is in infatuation with her. I give her WAY to much power. She writes a few gut- wrenching things about her and H relationship and I feel like this. Albeit, very immature things. As my mother said, "she is nothing much." Someone capable of wrecking a family. I know abandonment issues are coming into play here. My self-esteem is low.
I don't want to be sounding like a needy person or whiner. H just seemed so excited to be working on divorce. I feel like I have been wadded up and thrown in the garbage to make room for a new toy. Thanks again.
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
Your esteem should NEVER be tied to someone other than your..."self".
Detachment IMO, does not just "happen". It is a slow process that has it's ups and downs. IF you believe that you will wake up one day and all of a sudden feel detached, then you are setting yourself up for failure.
You love this man and that's okay. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss. The key is not to remain in that grieving process beyond what is really necessary. Staying too long will keep you "stuck", will not allow you to "grow" and will NOT help your self esteem.
What will help YOUR self esteem is beginning to GAL...
Do me a favor...
Write down a few things that make you really happy
Write down a few things that YOU always wanted to do BUT did not do
The feelings that you have are very normal. I too felt abandoned and sometime I still do. This is not an easy process to go through...but through it we must go.
No short cuts here...just a lot of hard work.
So, after you write down those few things...sit back...relax for a bit and then reflect on what is GOOD in your life.
Chin up,
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Your esteem should NEVER be tied to someone other than your..."self".
Detachment IMO, does not just "happen". It is a slow process that has it's ups and downs. IF you believe that you will wake up one day and all of a sudden feel detached, then you are setting yourself up for failure.
No I do not believe that detachment happens overnight. I know it is slow process. And I will have good and bad days. You are right, my esteem should not be tied to a person. That is CODEPENDENT behavior...lol. I have been working on this for SOME time.
I wrote:
Quote:
I look at detachment as removing myself from being involved from the chaos of a person or a situation. I don't get tangled up in reacting to things person says or does. I don't dwell on it. I remove myself from their responsibilities. I do not try to control the person or situation.
I know I have no control over the person or situation. It is about action, implmenting detachment. the how. I was doing well. My D25 even said I had detached. Then I slip. AHHH!
Lol, I re-read my own words this morning and it was a kick in my backside... I did react, I did allow myself to be entangled, and I do dwell on him and sitch. Lol, kicked by my own words. Dang!
Quote:
The key is not to remain in that grieving process beyond what is really necessary. Staying too long will keep you "stuck", will not allow you to "grow" and will NOT help your self esteem.
Hmm, maybe this is what is happening. If so how do I move forward to get unstuck?
Thanks for responding
M\51- H\53 crisis-08 M-30 years 2-D's 25\22 ILYBINILWY - Feb 09 BD - Mar 09 Sep- May 09 NC -Jan 10 H fl'd papers Aug-10
