The comments she's made to you about not being attracted to you, feeling like there was never a spark, that she is only with you for the kids, and on and on and on.
That hurts. And some people keep going that way but some people get tired of always meeting a stone wall.
I want more than anything for your M to work, Pin (who of us doesn't) but I am telling you that I hear you loud and clear about how you are feeling--when you want your partner to just give you an ounce of love that you feel for them in return but they won't.
Stay the course and she just may come around.
My heart breaks for you when I read all of this:
Originally Posted By: pinhead
So last night, I was reading a book upstairs, and my wife came into the bedroom. I asked her if she was going to finally explain why she was crying, and she said it was because she knew I wanted her to say ILY back to me.
I said that I'm not sure if I really love you, that I know you don't love me the way you want to.
She asked me why she couldn't be attracted to me. Why she couldn't change her feelings. That she wanted to sooo badly.
Originally Posted By: pinhead
When we were in bed, she asked me what I wanted her to do. I told her that I wanted someone who wanted me. Someone who's heart beat a little faster when I called. She said that there just wasn't that physical attraction, that mutual spark between us, and she thought it had never been there. I asked her what she would do if we didn't have any kids; would she leave right away? She said yes
Ahh my mistake Pin I thought you meant YOU told her you'd be gone except for the kids.
That is what I meant about her trying, you said so.
The reverse of it?
She told you that she'd be gone except for the kids? If that was absolutely true, then why is she trying so hard?
Living like Cary Grant isn't a bad goal, Time is right.
Because of the kids!
And yes, if it weren't for the kids, I'd be gone too. The minute she told me that she'd be gone if we didn't have kids, I'd have gotten up, packed enough clothes to last a few days, and then been gone. Imagine someone dating you, and telling you that if it weren't for your trust fund, that they'd be screwing someone else. I was so shocked by her honesty, that sometimes I think I must have misheard her. But I know I didn't.
A part of me will always hope that she does love me and wants me. But I'm not seeing it now, and I don't want to keep putting my life on hold waiting for something that might not happen. And I see no progress at all. Hell, she tickled me this morning when she was saying goodbye, and all I could think of was DON'T ACT!
Sigh, now I see that I'm still angry over the whole sitch, not detached as much as I want. I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at myself for vacillating so damn much.
FMV, Could you stay in a marriage where your husband said that if it weren't for your kids, he'd be gone yesterday?
Pinhead, I'm not trying to hurt you here. I don't want you to stay where you don't feel loved. I'm just sad and scared that if you leave, you'll miss out on an opportunity for you guys to find that love again. If it was there once, it can be found again even if the attraction isn't 'there' right away.
I always find it interesting that people expect attraction to come before affection. In my experience, we had to behave in affectionate ways first, in order to start feeling the attraction again. IDK, maybe we're odd. But again, that was just my experience.
So I'm sorry if I've been pestering you, I just am a little sad for you today I guess. I'll leave you alone now. Take care. FMV.
You're not pestering me! And I appreciate the support.
This will take time to work out. Feelings do change over time.
What made all of us decide to change for the better so quickly?
Time while it is measured linearly is also relative.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I hear this argument all the time about "if there were no kids would you stay".
I get that, I do. That some people would up and leave if it weren't for the kids. I'd like to bring another perspective to all of this. I may be wrong, but it's worth looking at.
Partnerships strive usually on a couple of things - shared interests, attraction, history, respect, and "love". Whatever that means to you.
When a couple has children together, it changes the dynamic. Now it's not about just sharing that bond with your partner, but also sharing another "interest" with them - your kids. Seeing your partner being a good parent is attractive, you now have an unbreakable history together, you respect each other for being decent human beings and having to raise another person in your images, and there is now not only love for your partner - but a shared love and bond as a family.
I think it would be easy to say that if that bond wasn't there, it might be easy to leave. You don't know. If you had spent ALL of your time crafting your bond with just your partner, would it be stronger? Maybe. But, you have kids. There is only so much time in a day, and so much love to go around. Now instead of giving your partner all of yourself, you distribute it (hopefully equally) to your family.
THAT is why it is easy for those people with kids to say "if it wasn't for the kids..." Love comes in many different ways, many flavors and colors. Attraction may have subsided over the years because you were focused on other things - like kids in your family. You didn't take enough time for each other. That's what killed the attraction over time possibly.
Sometimes it goes too far and you end up having to DB because you've both neglected each other's needs for so long, filling that time and energy with different things. Probably your kids.
Of course the WAS might say "If it weren't for the kids...". They feel they've been neglected for far too long and the only thing they share with you is your children.
It's not. You, and the WAS just haven't made it a priority.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
