John, she's just using the same tactics she has in the past to manipulate you AND your son. Using your son the way she did was disgusting and cruel.
Please, think carefully before you commit to any MC with this woman. She doesn't appear to be properly motivated. I know you pursued (sigh), you said some things that told her she had your balls in her purse, right before the mediation started.
I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. Her motivations are to get you to agree to 60/40 (why I don't know, it's not that diff than 50-50) and more alimony. She'll string you along, and then she's going to jerk you around again.
Was the mediation binding in any way? Did you sign any agreement, or are you going back for more?
Eh. I don't like that she used your kid as a pawn in a way. "What does child want?" right in front of you. It's wrong, IMO.
And once again, nobody draws up separation and D agreements with the purpose of "reconciling." It's just that simple. Actions, not words.
As for the alimony, I suppose she expected to be given insane amounts of $$$ for the rest of her life. So it's good she heard it straight from the mediator what the deal is. She is living in a fantasy land and if D goes through, she better start looking for a job.
Bottomline John. You've been advised what to do over and over and over and YOU still choose to do YOUR OWN THING.
Pin's right. She does have your balls in her purse.
What were you trying to achieve my that pity party you gave before the mediation? Why did YOU NEED to get her to say ILY. You need to figure out where this CODEPENDCY comes from BEFORE you will be able to have a REAL R/M. YOU also need to let your W go in order for HER to GROW UP. Until this happens you and more importantly YOUR SON will always be on this DRAMA ROLLERCOASTER.
Seriously.. You need to figure out where this low, self-esteem, self-confidence, insecurity comes from BEFORE you can BEGIN to fix aany of this. I see you giving advice on other members sites CONTRARY to what YOU are DOING. What adivce what you give yourself reading this??? The saying is true "you can not LOVE someone else or be loved UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF..." Reading your 600+ post you clearly dont love yourself enough to let someone treat you the way she does...
I'm not trying to come off cruel. None of us would still be posting if we didnt care for a complete stranger we've never met. I am just trying to HELP FACILITATE YOUR HEALING...
I've actually been feeling pretty good the past week. This includes her attempts at manipulating me by not saying ILY anymore as well as a few other things. I really have been feeling decent. I wouldn't say spectacular, but that's because of the sitch.
Nothing was signed, nothing was concrete. We'll go back in a week or so to keep the process going. I actually suggested to W last night that I make the appt early as possible next week (as MWD talks about moving MORE towards D rather than away from it.)
I've figured out that what doesn't work is dragging my feet on mediation and moving towards D. When I made the appointment date/time to see the mediator and then called W last week to let her know (taking the lead) there was a clear mentality shift on her part. Suddenly she didn't see me going against this stuff, and she became more open. The no ILY stuff was something else that happened.
Sure, it might be that she is manipulating me and acting nice and loving because I'm moving quicker and faster towards D. But, regardless, there has been a shift in the feelings about us. She may be using MC as a pawn in this game, which is fine with me because I'm treating it like that. When she tried to rip MC out from under me, I didn't react. Then she gave it back to me in hopes that she could rip it away later and have some impact.
I'm keen on her tactics now. The fact that I said ILY before mediation yesterday was my choice, and not to get her to say it back to me. I knew walking in there that things were about to get opened up to her that she wouldn't like at all and she would take it all out on me. I accepted that way before we went in there and expected it. I said ILY because, well, I figured I'd never say it ever again after yesterday.
We are not reconcilling, I'll make that clear. She is just open to it, or is playing another game with me to manipulate me. Either way, it is not effecting how I feel.
I'm doing much better now, but I still have anxiety at times. Other than that, I'm just moving forward with mediation and seeing where it goes. I anticipate she'll get angry more and try to manipulate me, but I just have to be prepared for that.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You're still playing 'the game.' Dropping the rope isn't about being "keen on her tactics." It's about doing what is right for you and your son.
You continue to obsess about her instead of YOU. You expect a change in her to come after the mediator threw cold water on her ideas. You want her to say "I'm wrong..."
Newsflash---
She's not wrong. She feels what she feels, she wants out. She doesn't understand your behaviour, so she does what she's done all along in your relationship: try to control you as much as she can.
Quit doing stuff like
I anticipate she'll get angry more and try to manipulate me
Just quit thinking about her so obsessively. Think about life without her. Set a goal that doesn't involve her, but involves you moving on. Then take the steps to achieve that goal.
You don't trust yourself. You bounce around like a puppy that has been kicked, hoping only to get an "attaboy." Build trust in yourself.
When I made the appointment date/time to see the mediator and then called W last week to let her know (taking the lead) there was a clear mentality shift on her part. Suddenly she didn't see me going against this stuff, and she became more open
You can take this with a grain of salt if you like, but speaking only from my personal experience, if her feelings were to completely change, and she started pursuing YOU, then there would be no need to try to read into subtext, no reading of the tea leaves, and no question that things had changed seriously. She would be trying (actions) to prove your marriage is worth saving to YOU.
I would like every story here to turn out like that, but the truth is... you don't know what is going to happen until you just let go.
At least... that's how it has gone down for me.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I've figured out that what doesn't work is dragging my feet on mediation and moving towards D.
Awesome. It's truly amazing the shift in attitudes with the LBS starts utilizing the WAS mentality, isn't it?
Hold your ground.
I hate to sound cynical but she could be wanting MC and/or to butter you up so that she gets a agood end of the mediation/separation deal. It is a possibility, so don't rule it out.
As for "ILY." Forget about that. Don't put too much emphasis. Words are just that -- words. Don't stress if she's not saying it to you.
The reality is this woman is full of drama, wants a separation agreement and has caused a lot of strife. Focus on that.
If you want MC, go for it but keep your expectations low. ACTIONS, not words, John.
I think you are still operating in the dark, John.
She wants a binding separation agreement so she can start working towards reconcillation.
Doesn't add up to me. Does it add up to you?
I could see this being a necessity if there was something in her closet or she was concerned about being caught with her panties in her purse. But to make it a prerequisite to start working on a marriage is just odd. Hokie.
There is something you don't know. There always is. Whys she feels she need to be 'protected' is interesting.
I think you are still operating in the dark, John.
She wants a binding separation agreement so she can start working towards reconcillation.
Doesn't add up to me. Does it add up to you?
I could see this being a necessity if there was something in her closet or she was concerned about being caught with her panties in her purse. But to make it a prerequisite to start working on a marriage is just odd. Hokie.
There is something you don't know. There always is. Whys she feels she need to be 'protected' is interesting.
I can tell you why I would want protection if I was her:
"I'm not my husband will change, I love him to death and wish I could make this work out, but I can't trust that he'll make all these changes stick. Right now I'm living with my Aunt and Uncle in a 10x10 room, I have a car that barely runs, I make $8/hr at a crappy job, and I have no savings or anywhere else to go. So, if it doesn't work out with him I want a guaranteed backup plan. Besides, I'm already out of the house and if it doesn't work out I'll have something to fall back on."
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
