Now I'm Walking Away

[pinhead]

FMV,

Could you stay in a marriage where your husband said that if it weren't for your kids, he'd be gone yesterday?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Seems like your wife is trying to.

[pinhead]

I like this list.

Thanks IDU. It's been a long road. This list, well it saved me. It saved our M.

And I feel bad for Pinhead because our Ms were alike in so many ways: My H and I both had stopped feeling attracted to one another too, there was no physical affection, no emotional connection whatsoever, he'd very rarely tell me he loved me any more, he blamed me for all the problems in our marriage (and told me so a number of times), he was regularly disrespectful towards me in public. It was awful. I'd started looking for apartments online... I'd been attracted to another man for years and flirted with him at an Xmas party last year... it was really, really bad.

And now... I cannot believe how he's changing, how I'm changing... we're like different people... the attraction's back, the physical affection & connection is getting stronger everyday...

So when I see you Pinhead, ready to leave, I just want to shake you, cry and reach through my computer screen and beg you to keep trying because I'm so scared you will miss out on what could be a really beautiful new marriage, if you give up now.

But. It does sound like you have your mind made up. And I'm so, so sad to see it.

FMV, my brother has counseled me for the last four months not to give up, nor to leave. Says it almost always ends up in divorce because of hurt feelings. Part of me would love to have her just give me one reason to stay that wasn't based on our girls or finances. Just say, "I want you to stay." But she won't say that, can't say that.

And if she did, I'd probably still go. Because I would need more than words to trust her. I mean hell, she's slept with me to keep me "happy."

[pinhead]

Seems like your wife is trying to.

??

She doesn't think she'll find anyone. Bad self-esteem. Yesterday she says I'll meet someone because I'll go look for it. She's settling.

[idontunderstand]

I don't want to try to sway you one way or the other. If you have made up your mind, I have no business trying to change it. Hell, after all that you have been through, I can't blame you at all. I look back at my sitch and, in my present frame of mind, I should have told my W to hit the road over a year ago. I wasn't ready to then. I still waffle about it now.

What I do know is feelings change. I'm sure you know that, too. After the bomb, my W looked better to me than ever before. I wasn't paying much attention to how she was acting, just how she looked. Now, she has lost a lot of weight and SHE knows she looks good. She shaves places I always wanted her to, she wears clothes I always wanted her to. Funny thing is, I don't really find her attractive anymore. It's like she's become the fantasy version of my W that I always had somewhere in my mind, but I like the old version better. I'm sure it has nothing to do with her looks but with her actions.

Anyway, these are her feelings NOW. They can change. You know this first hand.

In the end, you must do what is best for YOU and your family. Only you know what your breaking point is. I trust you will make the correct decision. And I will back you 100%.

[FindingMyVoice]

FMV,
Could you stay in a marriage where your husband said that if it weren't for your kids, he'd be gone yesterday?

Pinhead, I'm not trying to hurt you here. I don't want you to stay where you don't feel loved. I'm just sad and scared that if you leave, you'll miss out on an opportunity for you guys to find that love again. If it was there once, it can be found again even if the attraction isn't 'there' right away.

I always find it interesting that people expect attraction to come before affection. In my experience, we had to behave in affectionate ways first, in order to start feeling the attraction again. IDK, maybe we're odd. But again, that was just my experience.

So I'm sorry if I've been pestering you, I just am a little sad for you today I guess. I'll leave you alone now. Take care. FMV.

[TimeHeals]

always find it interesting that people expect attraction to come before affection. In my experience, we had to behave in affectionate ways first, in order to start feeling the attraction again. IDK, maybe we're odd. But again, that was just my experience.

What would Cary Grant (his movie persona, not the man) do? Whatever he did, he would be confident, even firtatious and charming while being no push-over.

Charming and no push-over never hurt anything, IMO.

[pookie69]

Charming and no push-over never hurt anything, IMO.

And no comb-over. Women just hate that.

[TimeHeals]

And no comb-over. Women just hate that.

I think I hate that too You can't help staring at that sort of thing

And a sense of humor helps too Point taken. Cary Grant (screen persona) would be funny sometimes

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ahh my mistake Pin I thought you meant YOU told her you'd be gone except for the kids.

That is what I meant about her trying, you said so.

The reverse of it?

She told you that she'd be gone except for the kids?
If that was absolutely true, then why is she trying so hard?

Living like Cary Grant isn't a bad goal, Time is right.