Is there any hope for us?

[bustorama]

SOA,

So sorry for your continuing pain. I empathize with you very much from my own sitch.

Right now, your H's heart is not open to reconciliation. It may or may not reopen to you. He knows how you feel about him and the relationship, your remorse about your actions, and your guilt for hurting him. You have stated it to him clearly in the past, right? If so, there's not much more you can do on that front. If HE brings it up again, you can apologize again for hurting him deeply, taking full responsibility for your bad actions, and also for your PART in the deterioration of your relationship.

What you can do is work to improve yourself, distract yourself, and heal yourself from your current emotional situation. Exercise, exercise, exercise; new hobbies; social activities with supportive friends; resurrect neglected projects/personal goals.

Emotionally, keep exploring what difficulties in your relationship with your husband got you to this point. What of your own personal issues led you to seek intimacy with computer friends? Why did you avoid discussions/interactions with your husband about what was missing for you and turn to the computer instead? What other actions (or inactions) on your part in your relationship promoted the emotional distance in your relationship that cultivated the soil from which your emotional affair grew? You need to address these issues so you don't repeat the same pattern in future relationships, whether it be with your H or another.

Your husband is angry, hurt, resentful and disrespected. You may have passed the point of no return for him and must accept that possibility. You pulling on the rope overtly or covertly for him to come back will just piss him off more and get him to yank harder. Give him space, and let him go. Work to better YOURSELF so that if he does decide to test the waters with you again that you are the best version of yourself you can be. And, if he cannot get over it, you will be wiser and ready to live a rich life.