Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

I've actually been feeling pretty good the past week. This includes her attempts at manipulating me by not saying ILY anymore as well as a few other things. I really have been feeling decent. I wouldn't say spectacular, but that's because of the sitch.

Nothing was signed, nothing was concrete. We'll go back in a week or so to keep the process going. I actually suggested to W last night that I make the appt early as possible next week (as MWD talks about moving MORE towards D rather than away from it.)

I've figured out that what doesn't work is dragging my feet on mediation and moving towards D. When I made the appointment date/time to see the mediator and then called W last week to let her know (taking the lead) there was a clear mentality shift on her part. Suddenly she didn't see me going against this stuff, and she became more open. The no ILY stuff was something else that happened.

Sure, it might be that she is manipulating me and acting nice and loving because I'm moving quicker and faster towards D. But, regardless, there has been a shift in the feelings about us. She may be using MC as a pawn in this game, which is fine with me because I'm treating it like that. When she tried to rip MC out from under me, I didn't react. Then she gave it back to me in hopes that she could rip it away later and have some impact.

I'm keen on her tactics now. The fact that I said ILY before mediation yesterday was my choice, and not to get her to say it back to me. I knew walking in there that things were about to get opened up to her that she wouldn't like at all and she would take it all out on me. I accepted that way before we went in there and expected it. I said ILY because, well, I figured I'd never say it ever again after yesterday.

We are not reconcilling, I'll make that clear. She is just open to it, or is playing another game with me to manipulate me. Either way, it is not effecting how I feel.

I'm doing much better now, but I still have anxiety at times. Other than that, I'm just moving forward with mediation and seeing where it goes. I anticipate she'll get angry more and try to manipulate me, but I just have to be prepared for that.