Sigh...I swear being on the other side is just as tormenting as being a LBS. Constantly weighing reasons to stay. Being afraid of change. Being worried about kids, money, loneliness.
Yes, it is. It's heartwrenching. I don't have the 'kids' factor, but I had all those concerns too.
Well, don't know if this will help Pinhead, but when I told my therapist I was thinking of leaving my H she told me that I had every right to, but I had to 'earn' my way out. So I guess I had a 'game plan' of sorts. And that was:
1) Figure out exactly, in behavioral terms, what I needed from my H that I wasn't getting.
2) Build up my self esteem so I could stand up assertively to any negative treatment without withdrawing from it, but also without getting aggressive
3) Learn how to ask him for the needs I had of him - again, in BEHAVIORAL terms - clearly, without blame and repeatedly over time. (to clarify - the needs I'm speaking of here, aren't the kind that only I can fill, of course)
4) Assert to him that these needs are so important that I was willing to leave the M if they were not fulfilled
5) And IF, after I did all that but STILL didn't see him begin reaching out to reconnnect? ONLY then could I walk away, knowing that I'd done everything in my power to save the relationship.
And if I didn't do all that, then I hadn't earned my way out yet. Again, don't know if that helps, but that pretty much sums up what I've been doing this year. Hopefully you might find something there that helps.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
1) Figure out exactly, in behavioral terms, what I needed from my H that I wasn't getting.
2) Build up my self esteem so I could stand up assertively to any negative treatment without withdrawing from it, but also without getting aggressive
3) Learn how to ask him for the needs I had of him - again, in BEHAVIORAL terms - clearly, without blame and repeatedly over time. (to clarify - the needs I'm speaking of here, aren't the kind that only I can fill, of course)
4) Assert to him that these needs are so important that I was willing to leave the M if they were not fulfilled
5) And IF, after I did all that but STILL didn't see him begin reaching out to reconnnect? ONLY then could I walk away, knowing that I'd done everything in my power to save the relationship.
And if I didn't do all that, then I hadn't earned my way out yet.
She's trying to reconnect. Trying damn hard. Trying as best as she can, but it's not working because she's not attracted to me.
She had to be attracted to you to marry you, right?
She could be trying to hard to "force" the feeling.
As we all know here, you can't force feelings.
I'll tell you this, being a great dad is attractive.
Take it one day at a time. Continue to look for aptmts. Let her "miss" you. then things will change.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
She's trying to reconnect. Trying damn hard. Trying as best as she can, but it's not working because she's not attracted to me.
She had to be attracted to you to marry you, right?
She could be trying to hard to "force" the feeling.
As we all know here, you can't force feelings.
I'll tell you this, being a great dad is attractive.
Take it one day at a time. Continue to look for aptmts. Let her "miss" you. then things will change.
I don't know if she'll miss me that way. Missing me, not missing my help around the house, my parenting, me being a sounding board. My ego loves the idea of being irreplaceable, but no one is.
I know that she was attracted to me. Inseparable once we started dating. That was then, this is now.
Not exactly new to the site but Newcomers isn't exactly my domain.
As a WAH once, I am sorry for the torrment you guys are going through.
I don't know your full story, just your most recent posts.
So perhaps I'm offering up advice that has been given before.
If either of you is expecting love to return like turning on a light switch you'll be dissappointed.
Reconnection is a slow process built of many little things, like the way you like how she smiles at you when you do something nice, as a possible example.
You build off of the little things.
The falling in love time is over, that bonfire burned out, to rekindle it you have to be blowing on the embers that are left.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Reconnection is a slow process built of many little things, like the way you like how she smiles at you when you do something nice, as a possible example.
You build off of the little things.
What he said is so right, Pin.
That is all I have to go with myself right now. It's only amber.
Like Coach always says, there are going to be setbacks. I suffered one last night. It felt like my old W had returned for a minute. Still trying to figure out what happened, what triggered it, etc.
Thanks for looking in. I didn't expect love to return right away. Heck, she loves me, really does. Just isn't attracted to me. Kind of hard for that to return. I've denied it sooooo long. Told myself that it's just hidden, she's been hurt and is protecting herself, etc etc.
Maybe we can be friends apart. I doubt it, because that seems tough when unrequited love is involved. And if she married me without loving me (in the right way) then I'll have some forgiving to do.
We'll be coparents, and as civil as possible because we both cherish our daughters.
J3B is correct. This will take time to work out. Feelings do change over time.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks IDU. It's been a long road. This list, well it saved me. It saved our M.
And I feel bad for Pinhead because our Ms were alike in so many ways: My H and I both had stopped feeling attracted to one another too, there was no physical affection, no emotional connection whatsoever, he'd very rarely tell me he loved me any more, he blamed me for all the problems in our marriage (and told me so a number of times), he was regularly disrespectful towards me in public. It was awful. I'd started looking for apartments online... I'd been attracted to another man for years and flirted with him at an Xmas party last year... it was really, really bad.
And now... I cannot believe how he's changing, how I'm changing... we're like different people... the attraction's back, the physical affection & connection is getting stronger everyday...
So when I see you Pinhead, ready to leave, I just want to shake you, cry and reach through my computer screen and beg you to keep trying because I'm so scared you will miss out on what could be a really beautiful new marriage, if you give up now.
But. It does sound like you have your mind made up. And I'm so, so sad to see it.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
