WAW Using God III

[pigskin]

Journaling:

Haven't updated in a while so thought I would post.

W returned from her overseas trip at the end of last month. I invited her to spend her first day back with the family at dinner. We had some wine and she showed me the pictures she took while the kids watched a movie.

She kept a journal during her trip and asked me if I'd like to read it. I agreed and read it after she took the kids back to her place.

Not one mention of the OM in the journal, which was encouraging. She did mention a few times about missing her family. She mentioned not liking being away from her kids but knowing that "they are in good hands". She had an entry that said "Pigskin is probably picking the kids up from school right about now".

She also had a few entries talking about how she is still questioning herself and what she is doing. How she shared her story with the group she was with, and they all agreed to pray for her. Also a line asking God to please grant her patience, serenity, and above all, the ability to forgive, as well as granting others the ability to forgive her faults.

She also included a mention of her not knowing what the future holds, "There is a lot going on at home, and while my activities here help to keep my mind off of them, in the quiet moments alone it still weighs on my heart...it helps to hear that no matter what happens in the future, whether I stay married to Pigskin or am divorced, God will use me for His purposes."

This was pretty telling as to where her mind is, and how she has not put our marriage behind her. These are not comments from someone hell bent on divorce. Coupled with the fact that there was no mention of missing the OM, and she spent no time with him on the days she was first back (we spent a lot of family time together) seems to suggest some cooling off.

Maybe it is just in my mind, but I know if I was madly in love with some other woman, she'd be the first person I'd be running to on my return, after spending time with my kids. W has been very friendly since her return, but with her depression that can be fleeting.

She may very well fall back into the same old, same old after a few days, and I kind of expect that. But we'll see. I have to see concrete change before I am willing to change my path.

I've landed a new job which will be starting in the coming weeks, so I have zero dependency on any of her income. Ramping up in the new position will obviously take time away from divorce prep, but I can live with that. I'll be watching closely over these few days to see if there is some change of heart on her part. But it won't take much for her to derail any of these perceived changes.

Overall I am very happy and not dwelling on any of this. I'm still ready for whatever happens. I'm even getting some feelers from a single woman who I know is interested in me. But I'm not doing anything with that, as I am adament on not starting any relationship until/unless this one is formally ended. I'm cool with my single life and doing my thing.