cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[v1olin]

I told my L to please make a note to not bill me for the call because I shouldn't have to call her 3 times to get the job done!

[awest1217]

Thanks CTH, but considering I hadn't heard from my L in a month and a half, I figured a quick e-mail was worth it especially because last week I was at work late almost every day and wasn't able to call during business hours. I just wanted to get the ball moving again and paying for me $30 is worth it (I get a teacher discount through the union).

More of H being H. He bought S and I Beauty and the Beast (I have said since forever how I couldn't wait for it to come out of the vault). He dropped it off tonight. Anyway the reason for typing is S asked a bunch of questions after H. Asking if H still loved me. I said no. S said yes he does, probably because of the DVD. Then said something about H being angry. I said no H isn't angry and then S brought up how H and I fought and that is why H doesn't love me because he yelled at me all the time. I said daddy doesn't yell at me all the time and we haven't fought since last winter. The last time we fought was last January. Man it is crazy for being 3 how much he remembers. He is sharp and that worries me a little, but maybe it is normal.

[ClingingToHope]

D8 keeps asking me if I still love STBXW. I tried to give her more of a grownup response and she grabbed her head like someone was yelling at her. So I said, "I will always love your mom."

Kids definitely see things differently. D11 said STBXW and I fought all the time. I didn't think so, especially compared to how my parents and STBXW's parent fought.

But the girls can't make that comparison. We probably had arguments once every couple of months. The rest of the time we just kind of avoided conversation.

It's been seven weeks since I heard anything on the D. Apparently, there's some meeting set for Oct. 19. I'm not spending a single dime more than I have to. I guess I don't feel married anymore and there's no rush to spend additional money to finish the process.

[awest1217]

I am not worried about asking the questions. S is 3 of course he is going to ask, but remembering us arguing (only for December and January and a few arguments here and there before in 2009), but what gets me is that was almost a year ago. I thought 2 year olds had a poor long term memory, but not S, he remembers everything so that is what worries me. Hopefully with time he will forget.

The one sad thing about S is that he doesn't ever remember H living with us. He will ask why daddy lives with Grandma and Grandpa and I said I don't know and then I ask him where he wants H to live. Everytime, S says he wants H to live with OW. I always ask why and he doesn't say. I then ask if he likes OW and he says NO very forcefully. It is just weird because when H was living with OW, S rarely saw him and never spent time alone with him so maybe S is picking up on H's unhappiness? Who knows?

Other things that I forgot. My brother, SIL and nephew went to a pumpkin patch on Friday so that was fun. Overall I am really happy and having tons of fun. A busy week ahead, but then it should calm down for a couple of weeks. HOpefully in two weeks I will actually get time to start Christmas shopping because H will have S, but I don't have anything else going on. Finally the first time since the beginning of September.

Lastly, S is getting or has a cold, and I am hoping it doesn't turn into more. Runny nose yesterday, but this morning he woke up with a wheezing cough and saying his "mouth hurt" which is his way of saying a sore throat. Now it could all be drainage, but I would hate for him to miss school on Friday because it is a field trip day.

[Lucky11too]

Aww, poor S. I definitely feel for him (and you!) I think S had 2 colds back to back b/c he was sick for 2 weeks! Things are definitely going around and all these crazy weather changes aren't helping!

I imagine with S, he probably has good relatively short memory, but I think you are right about his age having poor long term memory. Do you remember anything from before 3? I know I sure don't! Even if he does, hopefully those memories will be replaced by more happy ones of all the fun times with you (and H when he's around). It is odd about his comment about saying H should live with OW tho. If he definitely doesn't like her, then why would he want him to live with her? Very strange. I wonder if H has talked about it with him. That's one thing I think about too about S never remembering H living with us. My S was even younger of course, but it's kind of sad (at least to me), that S never got a chance to experience a "family" in the traditional sense (although, you can't beat having an awesome extended family around too). It's just something I think about.

It's great to hear that you are doing so well (despite having to deal with H's idiotic mistake text). I hope for your sake your L gets her act together and can get the D finalized. It's just interesting about all these L comments above. There's so many L's around that you think these ones that drag their feet and are unresponsive would just go out of business. How annoying!

Have a good day! Hope S feels better soon!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks CTH, but considering I hadn't heard from my L in a month and a half, I figured a quick e-mail was worth it especially because last week I was at work late almost every day and wasn't able to call during business hours. I just wanted to get the ball moving again and paying for me $30 is worth it (I get a teacher discount through the union).

More of H being H. He bought S and I Beauty and the Beast (I have said since forever how I couldn't wait for it to come out of the vault). He dropped it off tonight. Anyway the reason for typing is S asked a bunch of questions after H. Asking if H still loved me. I said no. S said yes he does, probably because of the DVD. Then said something about H being angry. I said no H isn't angry and then S brought up how H and I fought and that is why H doesn't love me because he yelled at me all the time. I said daddy doesn't yell at me all the time and we haven't fought since last winter. The last time we fought was last January. Man it is crazy for being 3 how much he remembers. He is sharp and that worries me a little, but maybe it is normal.

I don't want to quibble or make you feel worse, okay? But why invalidate every single thing your son says? Why not take it in and then shade it in a way that you feel is healthier for him? I mean, telling him his perceptions are completely off, when they're not, isn't something that will help him. IMO obviously. But he saw what he saw, so why tell him black is white? You can explain. Also, who says your h doesn't love you anymore? You can love someone and not want to be married to them. I'm fairly sure your h will always appreciate the fact you gave birth to his son.Why not refer those questions to your h since they are about HIS feelings and not yours? And even with love, Maybe you do fight too much (or there's an OW, etc) but the time for those types of details is far from now at this age. Point is, allow your son to tell his truth and see if you can validate but explain his perceptions so he learns to trust and not doubt what he sees. Just a thought. Good luck, sorry you're here.
j-

[awest1217]

I agree I should validate my S's feelings, but this one is a very large change for him. S usually says that daddy doesn't love mommy, but he loves him very much. To hear S say that H loves me, kind of caught me off guard. I usually validate, but this time I didn't.

Part of the reason is because I really have accepted that H never did love me. I know many of you veterans will say all that was a line, but I heard that line a lot in my R with H. Even H's counselor said he probably didn't want to marry me, but did because he was codependent on me. He wanted me around to help him, not to be in a committed R. H never has been honest with me about anything to let a good R grow or to be emotionally intimate with me.

On Friday when the message got sent to the wrong person, we talked a little and H said how he would never try with us again because he can't be himself and always feels he has to lie because I won't approve. All he has ever lied to me about is the other women (remember this is the 5th EA, but 1st PA) in his life. I have always known what he was doing, and even asked him about it, but he always would say that he wants to be with me and would stop. He never did and was just codependent on me and would never give anythign to our R. Now he has found someone new to be codependent on and that is ok with me. One day I will have a new person to be jointly in a M with me, but if not (and I really feel more and more it will be a not) I am ok being single and enjoying my job, S, and life.

Overall good night. S is feeling better. H bought a new humidifier and dropped it off. Remember the old one had mold in the motor I did not know about and was making S sick. Between allergy medicine, the humidifier, and S sleeping in his own bed without throwing a fit (that's right every night since Sunday ), he slept better and now is feeling better. Still a runny nose and coughing, but normal changing weather stuff.

[ClingingToHope]

Watch it with the humidifier. D11 had a bad cold when she was 3 or 4 and we were running a humidifier and it gave her pneumonia.

[awest1217]

Actually that is what happened to S last year. He got pneumonia, but it was because the humidifier had mold growing in the motor.

[awest1217]

Got S's cold...Blah! Just a sore throat and tired so nothing too bad, but man does it stink.