Going Dark, Gaining Strenght

[JinBK]

Starting a new thread myself. Like some others, mine was deleted in the cleanup. But I know folks here are following my sitch so I thought I would update.

Brief synopsis:
In July, H returned from a research trip telling me he wanted a separation. His reasons were that he didn't want to "give" to me anymore. After a month of emotional torture, I discovered OW - a former student of his who was now in Grad School with him (he's a PhD candidate) who spent the summer with him on the research trip. I knew her very well, having had lunch with her and given her rides home. She is 22 to H's 32. After exposing to his Adviser at school, I discovered he was screwing up his research as well.

He continued to deny, playing with my emotions, even starting FT with me. Finally, I put a recorder into our car when he was using it and taped 5 hours of conversation between him and OW. This is when I discovered that he was using the FT look like the "good guy" for his family and to keep me from doing more "crazy things." They trashed talked me most of the time.

I moved out of the house 4 weeks ago. Since we lived with his family, I couldn't stay there.

Now for the latest:

On Friday, October 1, I sent him the No Contact letter. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I knew I had to to protect myself because he had become emotionally abusive to me. He was using my love for him to string me along and keep my hope going when he had no intention of committing to me. I know now that he is involved in a PA, not just an EA, with OW. It feels like I've been raped.

This weekend was rough. My mom was visiting, and I was glad to have her here with me. I cried sorting coupons one morning. But then I'd get angry and remember why I have to do this.

I cried myself to sleep on Sunday as well, mourning the loss of the H I knew. He has become some sort of horrible person. I know that he will either live the rest of his life as a lier and be miserable or he will wake up from the fog one day and feel horrible for what he did. No one can live such a web of lies like he has and be happy.

He broke the No Contact request yesterday. I wondered how long it would take. He texted me during the day, saying I know we are doing "minimal contact" asking for the car so he could take it to the mechanic. I did not respond, and instead emailed his sister (our intermediary) to give my answer - that he was not getting the car again and I would take care of it. He texted me later that day (SIL hadn't given him my response yet) saying "This is ridiculous! Please talk like an adult!" If he could talk like an adult, I wouldn't have asked for NO contact.

But, finally, I am no longer playing by his rules. He is trying to ignore my boundaries once again, but I won't let it happen this time.

I had my personal therapy yesterday. We talked about how it feels to be so easily replaced by OW. That's how it feels. Actually, that's what he's doing. His whole goal it seams was to get me out by being the "nice" guy who "tried" and then slowly ease OW into the family. What he doesn't realize is that his family won't accept her, even in this way, because in the back of their minds they KNOW he is having an A with her NOW, even though they are trying to pretend they are "just friends."

But every morning is better. I am GAL, going out with friends and no longer being a doormat. I am doing 180s, exercising and taking dance classes.

Only time will tell. For now, I am healing myself. I will wait and see if the fog lifts and he sees his A for what it is. He'd better just hope that I am still waiting when that happens.