Facing the music

[NotFromThesePart]

I will say that setting a deadline...usually turns out badly, unless you want a divorce.

Yes I agree. The 30 day deadline is complex. She specifically asked for it and I said OK. By coincidence it is corresponds to a major event in my life too. I work over seas. 8000 miles from home. I've been away from my wife for 4 months while she she been pulling away and having an affair. in 30 days my contract/commitment is up. I will be coming back to the U.S. I can go live near her, where I have no other friends or family and jobs are hard to come by. Or I can move back to where my family is. They have been very supportive of me through this. So I have a choice to make.

I don't need her to be 100% sure. I see my HUGE role in the current situation. I'm working on myself and she sees it. She has told me as much. But I need something from her.

She started an affair with her boss. She sees that is is "very unlikely to work out" and that "I overlook tons of things in him" that "he is fat", which is something she complained that I was, until she sees who she is with now. Now she says to me "you look good". She "loves me". I get a lot of positive signs. If she can't end the affair and begin to work on things. . . . .How long do I wait. I've got a real decision to make. Life is getting in the way.

Marriage problems usually involve two people, you got any faults you brought to the table but forgot to mention?

Tons I've been controlling and neglectful. I treated her like a father rather than a partner. To my own credit I still feel like I did it for good reasons (finances, stability, careers etc.). I felt like I was building a loving supportive foundation for us. But that is not what she wanted. She wanted to be listened to, admired, loved. I get it now.

I'm the classic "nice guy" and I need to let it go. Be confident enough in myself to let her be herself.